NOT HERE , MY CHE-ILD , NOT HERE !sx I THINK there must have been a time when managers definitely selected plays , whether classic or modern , with an eye to their juvenile interest .sx It may have been that their reason was to secure the patronage of the ladies , or that childhood on the boards was merely a last flicker of Victorian sentiment ; anyhow they have enabled me to look back and receive picture after picture of dramatic infancy .sx It is invidious to select , but my retrospective fancy twines about the seven-year-old apparition which was evoked by the Three Weird Sisters and chanted :sx " Muckbaeth !sx Muckbaeth !sx Muck-baeth !sx " .sx And the child of melodrama !sx The high-born lady with a passionate past ( legalised , but A Pity ) , who proudly defied the villain's threats of exposure and , thrusting her " else-lid " at him , caused him to exclaim , " He ought ter call you `Miss' !sx " To which the lady nobly replied , " He ought to call me Mother !sx " ( CURTAIN .sx ) And the scene on the moors , with the apparent waif clinging to his unsuspected mother .sx ( She wore I can see it now a large wool tam-o'-shanter of tartan , pierced with an eagle's feather .sx ) " Tell me a stor-ay !sx To which the heroine , with much plummy tenderness , responded , " Yes , yes , dear .sx What shall it be about ?sx " " Tell me that one abaowt Beautay and the Bayst !sx " The knell of the stage-child as a regular institution of the drama began , I think , to toll after Little Willy had breathed his last in East Lynne ; and the end came with His House in Order .sx The L.C.C. then discovered that late nights were stunting to growth .sx Farewell to the velvet suit , to the starfish lace-collar , to the sausage curls !sx For this virtually restricted the stage-angel to Act I. , after which ( at about nine o'clock ) the creature was hustled home to bed .sx So the dramatists , abandoning the juvenile appeal for good , took , as it were , to drink .sx But aftermaths of the struggle still persist , and at Christmas the whimsical author is faced with the dilemma of matinees only , or of causing a youth of quite sixteen , standing five-feet-four in his Eton jacket and with his voice breaking , to be put to bed by the Nannie of the play .sx The L.C.C. is appeased , but the effect is curious .sx Children on the stage , as opposed to the stage-child , are not absolutely defunct ; but you must know where to look for them .sx And I annually solace myself with the pantomime Prologue , in which a nurse in starched streamers and heavily-rouged puts to bed a real child , who , the stocking hung and the limes dimmed , seldom fails to pipe , " Eu , Nursay , tell me a good-night stor-ay !sx " To which the nurse ( a direct descendant of the heroine who had the past that was A Pity ) replies briskly , " Well , then , just one .sx Which shall it be ?sx " .sx And the child will call for " Cindereller , " " Puss in Bewts " or " The Fortay Thaives , " according to what pantomime is I billed outside that particular theatre .sx And so I sit , and my youth is brought back to me the Christmas when , at seven years old , I unsuccessfully petitioned authority to let me too be a " Scarlet Runner " in Jack and the Beanstalk , and sing " See how the Bean is Growing , " in emerald tights .sx And now that the cocktail school of drama seems to be with us permanently one fact stands out .sx The modern play is completely childless .sx It is commonly about couples who talk of marrying and don't marry ; couples whoborrow each other's husbands pro tem .sx or for ever , for any reason on earth but the continuation of the race ; couples who love but don't marry , and couples who marry but don't love .sx In every case the menage is entirely barren of visible offspring .sx The uttermost concessions made us by modern dramatists are ( 1 ) allusion to the child upstairs , or ( 2 ) allusion to the death of the child before ; in streams of talk and an epigram or two washed down by Martinis the couples get on to more vital topics ( such as birth-control , free love and careers for wives) .sx It is felt , I believe , that children on the stage make for a certain dowdy effect of domesticity that will invalidate the epigrams .sx It is perceived that one cannot embrace the child and shake the gin simultaneously .sx It is certainly known that behind the scenes children are a confounded nuisance and their attendant mothers much worse .sx It is a fact that it comes much cheaper to cause the stage-wife to exclaim , " Gerald , you've never understood our boy , " than to bring on the boy for five minutes and get him misunderstood at 3 10s .sx a week .sx It is almost certainly felt that the voice , accent and inflexions of the stage-child are like nothing on earth or under it .sx But , in spite of all these considerations , I miss the brat .sx SEASON OF LIFTS AND MAIN-ROAD .sx FRIENDLINESS .sx This is the time of year when you frequently find yourself rushing joyfully along the high roads with summer in the heart , five gallons in the tank and a general feeling of benevolence to all mankind enveloping your whole car .sx You smile at babies , slow down for undecided hens and give lifts indiscriminately to hikers and pikers .sx At this season , therefore , it is advisable that the motorist should know something about the different types of liftee " that he is likely to meet on hisjourneyings .sx The doubtful and dishonest characters whom it is best to ignore may be passed over lightly .sx Chief among them is the tramp , who on the slightest encouragement gets into your best seat , wearing two antique wardrobes and carrying a third , and with further personal luggage , of which tin-cans , boots and socks are by no means the only items .sx Generally he is terribly chatty and informative on topics of which you have not the faintest knowledge , even if you could understand his dialect .sx He only becomes intelligible when he tries to beg " arfer loafer bread , Sir , " or failing that item , which is not usually carried by motorists a car-rug , a map or even a can of petrol .sx Or there is the more respectably-dressed man , who is ; however , liable , if he gets the offer of a lift , to produce a wife and several unpleasant children from concealment in the hedge .sx And sometimes it is a suspicious fellow sitting on the wayside , who turns out to be an unemployed walking from Liverpool because he has heard there are jobs going at Southampton , or from Southampton because he has heard there are jobs going at Liverpool , according to the direction of your travel .sx Naturally .sx he has no money , and as like as not will either touch you for half-a-crown or pinch your suitcase .sx Of the more genuine lift-seekers there is , first , because the most noticeable , the fellow who has during the passage of years come to consider what was originally a spontaneous courtesy on the motorist's side as a prescriptive right on the pedestrian's .sx He faces round as you come up and with unbelievably poor judgment of your speed waves you to a shrieking standstill by sheer will-power .sx The general impression left in your mind by his frantic gesticulations is that someone has cut an artery near by and he needs a doctor within one minute .sx Having thus considerably worn down for you your tyres , temper and brake-shoes , he asks you rather peremptorily where you are going .sx He ponders your answer for a moment , finally says , " That'll do , if you're going the Chittinghurst way , " and gets in .sx He is not communicative during the drive , though he does address you once or twice probably peevishly to direct you the " Chittinghurst way " as against your originally planned route his manner being that of a profiteer speaking to his chauffeur .sx In fact , unless you are pretty firm about it , you may find yourself at the end thanking him for the lift and preparing to get out and walk .sx In opposition to him is the very diffident fellow .sx His method of stopping you is to adopt as he hears you approach a heart-rending limp .sx He does not turn round ; he does not wave or shout ; but his back , bowed with a physical weariness which seems to reflect a greater weariness of soul , the result of constant spurning by previous stony-hearted motorists , is more eloquent than many fluent words .sx By the time you are close behind you have already slowed down , practically in tears ; and as you draw level he half turns his head and just gives you one short glance .sx Unassuming , pathetic , wearily brave , that expression is a masterpiece .sx Stricken to the heart , you offer him a lift .sx He shakes his head couldn't think of troubling you ; why , he only has another seven miles now and his foot isn't really very bad .sx Chokingback your sobs of pity you repeat your offer and he wavers .sx You insist , and he gives in on the condition that you don't go an inch out of our way for him .sx Duly ensconced , he suddenly tells you his destination , a point which has been hitherto overlooked in the prevalent atmosphere of pathos .sx As like as not it is miles off your track , beginning at a side-turning which is already within sight .sx You simply can't push him out after a bare half-minute , so you have to turn off at the junction indicated .sx After which it hardly seems to matter where you go , and you end by driving him right up to the front-door of " Laburnum Cot .sx " He is effusively grateful and , better still , you are delighted to note that the drive has evidently done his foot good ; for he doesn't limp at all as he goes up the path .sx Next there is the man who apparently signals you by a kind of mental telepathy .sx He turns and fixes you with a simple expressionless stare which follows you as you pass .sx You are several yards beyond him when it seems to be suggested to your mind that he wants a lift .sx You draw up and he is at your elbow , having had sufficient faith in his own powers of thought-transference to run after your car .sx Much the same procedure is adopted by the very coy man , except that he doesn't run after you ; with the result that once you have stopped you are immediately doubtful whether he wanted a lift after all .sx You wait till he comes up , and he , thinking apparently that you have possibly stopped for some reason of your own , plods busilypast without a glance .sx Realising that you must have been mistaken you drive on again and , as you pass him this time , you think his attitude holds a hint of reproach .sx You again stop beyond him , this time with the pretence of adjusting something on the dashboard .sx Concluding that you must have stopped for him after all , he comes up hopefully , but , seeing your preoccupation with the dashboard , again passes very briskly and with averted face .sx .. Well , if you don't want to go on playing at this for the rest of the day , the best thing to do is to drive up to him and over him , throw the body into the back , carry it the distance of a reasonable lift and then tilt it out into the ditch .sx It is not a bad idea also to do this right at the start to the final type :sx the truculent fellow who stands in the middle of the road and stops you like a policeman .sx Having secured a lift he talks the whole time about the iniquity of luxurious motor-travel , the face-grinding habits of those who own cars , and in short makes every derogatory remark he can about private automobiles , except that he " wouldn't be seen dead in one .sx " Probably he guesses that you might be tempted to take the necessary steps for defeating this prejudice .sx A. A. .sx NAME THESE CHILDREN .sx I ACCEPT the authoritative view that a flower's perfume is independent of its name ; indeed I would go further and say that , if a flower has no name at all ( which is inconceivable to the botanist but quite common in my own experience ) , it doesn't smell any the worse for that .sx