Coming home , down the garden path I found a blackbird floundering in the snow .sx He lay still when I picked him up , and I took him into the greenhouse , hoping to be able to help him .sx He was all feathers and bones , but he tried hard to live .sx His bright eyes looked at me , I thought , imploringly , and every now and then he gave a sharp , quick , gasping breath .sx I held open his golden beak and tried to give him water .sx But he could not take it .sx I saw his head fall limply and the light go out of his eyes .sx The feeling of hopelessness which came over me was , I know , quite out of proportion to the incident .sx It was as though Death in its stark nakedness had thrust itself upon me , looming so black that the light which was in me was darkened .sx Stern and inexorable and unrelenting seemed that .sx dread presence .sx What use was it to strive with such a foe ?sx Telling himself about it only mystified and alarmed the dear man .sx The happening seemed to me to be symbolic .sx I was the struggling bird in the grip of a force that in spite of all my strivings was going to be too strong for me .sx He said there was nothing symbolic about it at all .sx That I was mad to walk so far , and that I had better go to bed and he would send Jane up with a strong cup of tea .sx I HAVE reached the place where damaged tents are sent to be made wind- and weather-worthy .sx It is Friday , and five-forty , and Bunty will just be getting home .sx For a time I am to be a member of this community .sx I have a feeling of being quite detached and impersonal .sx I am tent number eight .sx Immediately upon arrival I was helped to undress and get into bed .sx My new coat and blue dressing-gown were hung in a cupboard ; my other belongings were thrust into drawers , and I was left for what seemed like an age to wait for the arrival of my physician , who would give final instructions .sx These were very simple :sx I was weighed ; I was told my diet was to be four ounces of milk every two hours , and informed that my occupation was to be sleep !sx No newspapers .sx No books .sx No letters .sx No visitors .sx The result is humiliating , for I , who was always so fond of being alone , find myself bored beyond belief after only two days of it .sx Surely I have been here for an aeon or two , yet the calendar declares it is only the fifth day .sx I find that " No Visitors " meant not even himself ; and Sister tells me she has written to him explaining everything in a way which she is certain will enable him to see as the doctor does .sx My diet gets rather monotonous , and the smell of bacon in the mornings makes me feel carnivorous .sx As for my occupation ( sleep ) , I find it impossible to get on with it .sx The first night I made the ghastly discovery that these so-called private rooms have no real walls only wooden partitions ; and through woodwork at head of bed came pitiful and appalling sounds moans of a heart-rending quality gasping breaths murmured words .sx " Poor soul !sx Poor soul !sx " I kept saying , and when at last the morning came and I asked the tent-mender about the serious case next door , she laughed .sx " That !sx Oh , that's only an old lady who gets bad dreams !sx Did she keep you awake ?sx You must be a light sleeper !sx " Well , Sister has to-day moved me to another room farther down the row .sx All the rooms have french windows opening on a verandah , and all the beds have wheels , so I was just pushed along to my new quarters .sx The week of probation is up , and this morning I was weighed ; was found to have lost two pounds .sx Of this the doctor was not informed .sx He came as usual , and assured me I was looking better already .sx When I told him I could get no sleep in the day , and very little at night , he said :sx " You have always , I suppose , been a poor sleeper ?sx " " On the contrary , " I replied , " that is the one thing I have always been able to do .sx But here the incessant noise makes it an impossibility .sx " " She is very sensitive to noise , sir , " added Sister .sx After grave consideration the good man said cotton-wool was to be put in my ears and a black handkerchief over my eyes .sx Sleep was essential to the cure , and if these things were done , the result would , of course , be sleep !sx He thought a dash of tea or coffee might now be added to the milk , and that a little fruit might safely be given .sx During the afternoon Sister brought the black blinkers and the cotton-wool , and I lay obediently in the greatest discomfortfor two hours .sx I could hear just the same !sx I am learning that up till now the zest I have felt in living has been sustained almost entirely by things I could do .sx I have besought Sister , with all the blandishments at my command , to let me embroider some woollen daisies on the pockets of my dressing-gown .sx I promised to do it lying down .sx But she shook her head , and repeated the doctor's slogan :sx " You must do nothing but assimilate .sx " That being the decree I am just shut in upon myself , and I am determined to see what can be made of it ; but this is a strange road , though feet of countless pilgrims must have traversed it .sx I find myself thinking of nuns ; of prisoners , broken-winged and hopeless .sx And I have thought of inmates of mental hospitals .sx how long and how weary are their days ; and of poor old folk , bedridden and dependent upon others for every small comfort .sx Because one of the real trials of lying in bed is that one is dependent where one was independent .sx This state of dependence is hard to bear when young tent-menders thrust in impatient heads and say , when asked for some personal ministry :sx " In a minute , " and then disappear indefinitely !sx Had no idea of such things until I came here .sx Himself has been to see me .sx I was lying on the verandah surrounded by screens when I heard what even through the cotton-wool and the blinkers seemed to me a very masterful step .sx The next moment himself's head appeared round the screen .sx I said :sx " Have you leave to come ?sx " He said :sx " No , and I am not going to wait for it .sx " I said :sx " But what will they say ?sx " He said :sx " I don't know and I don't care .sx " He considered the proposal preposterous , but , of course , if I felt I should get well quicker if left alone , he was prepared to fall in with it .sx That was what he had come down to see about .sx And he found out about everything , including the weight which continues to go down instead of up , although I am now on full diet .sx He had a talk with Sister , who tried unsuccessfully to be dignified and to wither him with a look .sx He had brought some white violets and a bunch of primroses from Nightingale Corner , and when I asked :sx " How often will you come ?sx " he said :sx " Every day as long as you are here .sx " As he sat beside me , looking so determined and uncrushable , life seemed to creep into me again ; I felt like a boat which had been drifting out on an alien sea , and .sx suddenly found herself grounding on the home beach .sx Every afternoon , from the shelter of my screens , I can watch the visitors arriving , carrying small parcels and bunches of flowers :sx daffodils , and jonquils , and early tulips .sx None of these flowers are for me , yet , as they pass , I possess all of them .sx Not only these , the sheltered darlings of the nurseryman coaxed to yield up their loveliness before their time , but all the flowers of all the years I have known are mine .sx One by one I gather them from the fields of memory , and I look at them at last with seeing eyes ; the primrosen dear old word which used to cluster under the branches in Wetlands Lane ; the bluebells pushing through the hedges from Nightingale Wood ; the cowslips and the pale oxlips that I found on a sunny bankduring my solitary rambles ; and the wood anemones which surged right up to the wide gateway leading to the valley .sx The old lady here is very old .sx The painters are at work on the verandah , and some-times , to keep me out of their way , my bed is wheeled down and settled just outside her room .sx As she is never brought out , this territory is a piece of no-man's-land , and I often find myself there .sx She is very deaf , and talking with her seems to be a difficult process .sx When her friends come to see her I am an unwilling listener to their conversations .sx The task they have I can only liken to the difficulty of getting through a very thick partition their remarks and her replies are so unrelated .sx The silences between them are long , and when the old lady speaks it is in such a queer husky voice , punctuated with .sx guttural sounds and strange wheezings .sx Sometimes the young tent-menders go in and talk to her , calling her " dear , " and speaking in the cajoling voice that people use in addressing children .sx Now and then a clergyman comes to see her , and then I hear the sound of the Word , which is so different from all other words ; and afterwards the murmur of prayer .sx Dear old lady , whom I have never seen and am never likely to see , I send many a thought through the crack of your door .sx And at times I lie and think foolish thoughts concerning " old selves " ; and what becomes of them ?sx At one time they were so really us yet , as time goes on , each is sloughed off and another self-phase begins .sx I am not quite the same self that I was at thirty .sx If I live to be eighty I shall not be the self which I am now .sx Next door to the old lady there is an infant three days old .sx The tent-menders call her Wendy , and they have promised one day to let me have a peep at her .sx The painter has now reached my door and window .sx The smell is 'orrible .sx He has evidently been told to make as little noise as possible , and his guilty look when a terrific sneeze took him unawares was worth a king's ransom .sx He caught me smiling and said :sx " Beg pardon , Miss , 'tis these March winds .sx " If an occasional sneeze were the only noise I should have no cause for complaint .sx To-day Sister produced two rubber ear-plugs which she has obtained specially for me , and the following conversation took place :sx MYSELF :sx I must have funny ears .sx I can hear just as well with them in .sx SISTER :sx I thought you would .sx The trouble is , you see , that you don't only hear with your ears .sx You hear through every one .sx of your nerves , and to you just now every sound is intensified .sx MYSELF ( meekly ) :sx It is ever so quiet at home .sx SISTER :sx Yes , dear , but the doctor thinks you couldn't carry out the treatment at home .sx People never do , you know .sx Their friends come to see them , and they have worries to contend with , and every little difficulty is brought to them .sx Here you have nothing to do but get well .sx For a long time after she left me I lay and " giggled " in idiotic schoolgirl paroxysms .sx But , truly , the situation is ludicrous when I think of my own bedroom with its wide window looking away across the willowed river to the green hills .sx And of Jane's quiet manner of entering my room ; and of Emily who nailed felt to the dinner-wagon so that it shouldn't rattle going through the hall .sx While here , tent-menders continually rush into my room and as suddenly rush out again .sx No privacy is possible at any hour of the day , not even during that horror the blanket bath !sx