What had Forbes said ?sx you can't bury a thought , can you ?sx He was wrong - there is no metaphysic of the grave .sx She drew the curtain over the window .sx At once the room , as if in response to the attention she now paid it , became friendly .sx It was a replica of her room in the St. Mary's Terrace house , and of an earlier room still , the bedroom in Mark Henry's house in which she had slept after her second marriage , so that wherever she looked she saw only familiar things , Mark Henry's magnificent four-poster bed , the tallboy supporting a model of the Charlotte Garton , lost off Foochow , the mahogany side-board she used as a dressing-table ; the curtains , even the chairs were arranged exactly as they had been arranged in those earlier rooms .sx She would have no changes , not even in the order of the books in the recessed cupboard .sx She was reluctant to let anyone take a book from its shelf , and more likely than not the borrower , on the very day he borrowed it , would find it spirited out of his room and restored again to its place .sx The love of order , of tradition , which was one of her most powerful impulses , existed side by side with another , to which it was akin - with the need to possess in the fullest possible manner the few persons who were actually part of her life .sx They were indeed few .sx She cared very little for her friends .sx All her genuine affections were kept for her family , her husband , her son , and when they grew up , her daughters .sx And now , for the first time , she began to have a dim idea that it was to herself , to her fierce possessiveness , that she owed most of her disappointments .sx The idea came to her in the shape of a memory .sx She recalled that Hugh had said to her , when she was torturing him with those futile questions that women ask their husbands ( " Why didn't you warn me you were falling in love with this other woman ?sx " " Why wasn't I enough for you ?sx " ) :sx " You wanted too much .sx You wanted me to be everything to you and nothing to myself .sx " Ah , but that was because she was stupid , because she had to have a thing in her hand before she believed in it .sx Just as when she was a child she could not refrain from clutching handfuls of wild convolvulus , though she knew it would die that instant , because until she could feel it in her hands it gave her no pleasure .sx No matter - so it had been with Hugh , and now with Richard .sx She began to cry , slow , angry tears that left her exhausted and shaken , they came from so far within her or from so distant a time in her life .sx She was losing her son now , and it was infinitely worse to her than had been the loss of her husband , since now she had no pride to support her .sx Her honesty , inflexible where she knew what she was doing , forced her to see herself not as Richard's mother , but as his enemy .sx She recalled a hundred occasions on which , by her attitude and her way of receiving his suggestions , she had made his position in the firm of no account .sx And it was not because she now thought he had been right and herself wrong that she found the memory of those moments unendurable , but because of the contrast they offered with her real feeling .sx Her pride in him , crossing her natural stubbornness and her love of power , had bred the rage and the contempt with which - loving him as she did - she had greeted his more audacious efforts .sx She had tried to arrange his life for him , to keep him out of mischief - not from love , but because it was her nature to manage and arrange .sx Because she was a grasping possessive woman , a Garton , a Mark Henry without his masculine carelessness - in brief , a Garton woman in authority .sx She started up and began to walk about the room .sx Once she paused to run her finger lovingly over a Queen Anne tallboy , so far do our bodies lag behind our minds in the learning of new lessons .sx Meanwhile her mind , pursuing the idea , stumbled on , as awkward as an infant learning to walk .sx Could she ever learn to let be the people she loved ?sx Ever learn not to interfere , not to possess them so completely that they had neither air to breathe nor light to grow by ?sx She walked up and down , between Mark Henry's bed and the Charlotte Garton , trying to find her way about a world in which these were the only familiar landmarks .sx Towards midnight Hugh was startled by her appearance in his room .sx He was sitting up in bed , reading .sx At the sight of him , so like and so unlike her young husband , she forgot what she had come to say , and said :sx " I can't stand it any longer , Hughie .sx " He wrapped his quilt round her .sx " What can't you stand ?sx " .sx " This living .sx What do I live for , Hugh ?sx I was young , and I'm getting old .sx I'm forty-four , the best is gone - and I don't know what it's all been for , and what it means .sx I've made mistakes - first I lost you , then Sylvia , and now Richie .sx Why do these things happen to me ?sx I've tried .sx I'm a fool .sx I can't see any sense in it .sx I know that we're supposed to get our reward hereafter , but that won't give me back you and the young days , and my babies .sx What is it for , Hughie ?sx Tell me that .sx " " Your feet are cold , " Hugh said .sx " Let me warm them for you .sx " She watched him for a moment .sx " I love you so much , Hugh .sx " " Yes , I know .sx Poor Mary .sx " Her heart stood still .sx " You're sorry for me ?sx " .sx He looked at her with a smile .sx " You do everything so much , " he said sweetly .sx " You waste yourself on people who are not capable of you .sx You're wasteful , extravagant - and very dear to me .sx " " Why don't people want me so much as I want them ?sx " Mary said sorrowfully .sx " Perhaps because you want them too much .sx " " Ah - I was afraid of that .sx " " Are your feet warmer , my sweet ?sx " .sx " Yes .sx Did I want you too much , Hugh ?sx Was that why you left me ?sx " .sx Hugh clasped her knees between his hands .sx " Don't talk about that now , " he said in a low voice .sx " Please , Hugh .sx If you'll answer me this question I'll never ask any more .sx I promise you .sx Just this one .sx " Hugh's face was distorted by a strange reflexion , less pain than a reminiscence of it .sx " You shouldn't ask these things , " he stammered .sx " It's old history .sx I was another man then , a young man , young fool .sx " " Very well , " Mary said listlessly .sx Hugh glared at her with a fury of which he was quite unconscious and which sprang from his reluctance to make her suffer .sx " It wasn't only that you were too absorbed in your ships , " he said furiously , " that you forgot me for the greater part of your time .sx That hurt my vanity .sx I was too fine a fellow to stand that .sx But there was the other thing .sx You expected too much of our marriage .sx You wanted a kind of absolutism in loving that I couldn't manage .sx It was splendid , but it was unbearable .sx I had to get outside it , to be free .sx " He saw that she winced .sx " Forgive me , " he said angrily .sx " It was my failure .sx I hadn't enough intelligence or courage or decency .sx " " It's all right , " Mary said wildly .sx " No one's hurt - except that girl .sx " The agony she felt was not her own ; it belonged to the young woman disclosed in her by his words , an agony so old that it had separated itself from her and taken on a life of its own .sx She caught sight of it and moved her ground .sx Though a few moments ago she had spoken with regret of her youth , she had no wish to come on it in such a place , any more than we care to meet again in later life a person who will remind us of the worst thing that ever happened to us .sx " I know what you mean , Hugh .sx It's what I was thinking of just now .sx Thanks very much for telling me .sx You do know I'm stupid , don't you ?sx I never understand anything until I've fallen over it twice .sx " She chuckled shyly .sx " You can give up glaring at me , Hughie .sx I'm not going to talk about it again .sx " " Am I glaring ?sx " Hugh said gently .sx " What a fool I am !sx - I like you so much .sx " " Is it true ?sx " .sx " Yes .sx Let's go away at once - to-morrow .sx " An expression with which he was familiar came over her face - the familiar mingling of obstinacy and doubt which it wore when she had made up her mind to do a thing and before she had made a show of asking his advice about it .sx " I came to see you about that .sx Richard said this evening that he'd like to go out to New Orleans with Captain James in the Mark Henry .sx I thought we might make the trip with him , " she said doubtfully .sx " Would you like it ?sx You know - Richard has sailed in her before .sx " " Quite .sx When you and that fellow Hardman went in her to Bordeaux .sx " " Shall I tell you about that , Hugh ?sx " .sx " If you like , " Hugh said carelessly .sx He jumped up .sx " Don't imagine I was never jealous , " he exclaimed .sx " I went through torments at the time .sx I can't understand why you were willing to run away with the fellow :sx you declined to do as much for me - I wanted you to give up Danesacre and your shipyard when you married me , and you wouldn't .sx " " I had you without giving them up , " Mary said simply .sx " It was only by giving up everything else that I could have Gerry at all .sx " He stared at her and burst out laughing .sx " God bless my soul , I never thought of that .sx How simple - and how sensible of you .sx Would you have paid it , if I'd put the same price on myself ?sx " .sx " Don't be stupid , Hughie , " she said drily .sx " Gerry didn't put this price on himself , it was put on by the way things are .sx " " Yes , I know , I know .sx I was laughing at myself .sx Tell me the rest and let's be done with it from to-night .sx " " I've forgotten most of it , " she murmured .sx " When you went away with Fanny Jardine I'd lost confidence -if you understand me .sx I assure you I thought very little of myself .sx " " Are you trying to tell me that the fellow gave you self-confidence ?sx " Hugh said ironically .sx " I loved him very much , " Mary said honestly .sx " It was like going back to the beginning ; I tried to think that nothing had happened since I fell in love with him at fifteen - no Archie - no apprenticeship to Mark Henry , no ships , nothing .sx But you had happened .sx " She stopped , unable to say what she knew .sx " If I've anything to feel proud of , it is that I was married to you , " she exclaimed .sx " I left you , " Hugh said , in a sharpened voice .sx " It's of no importance .sx You should know that , my dearest dear .sx You can't efface a marriage like ours .sx It lasts out the other things .sx " She sighed with relief and an exquisite happiness .sx " Now I've told you all that , I can go to sleep .sx Undo this quilt , Hughie .sx " Her glance fell on the book he had dropped .sx " What were you reading when I came in ?sx " .sx " About marriage , " he said smiling .sx " What do you think of this ?sx ` Let us be very strange and well bred :sx let us be as strange as if we had .sx been married a great while and as well bred as if we were not married at .sx all .sx ' " .sx " What you were reading I was thinking , " Mary exclaimed .sx She gave him a .sx soft subtle smile .sx " We've been strange for years .sx " " Shall I carry you or lend you my slippers ?sx " Hugh said .sx