" Of course , darling , you mustn't tire yourself .sx I ought to have taken more care of you .sx Shall some of us come and sit with you after dinner ?sx " said Jessica .sx " You're very kind , but I shall shut up early .sx " " I'll give Waterborough your message , " said Greville , opening the door for her .sx When Octavia's tray was removed and she was left for the night , she felt profoundly unhappy .sx Susan Malet's words were engraved upon her brain .sx She did not ask for knowledge ; she did not value success ; and she hated security .sx Her only demand upon life was to feel not , of course , the kind of impulse that made her throw her arms round Robin , but to have her heart intensified , and her emotions satisfied .sx In books she had read of men of temperament , intellect , and character who would have made her supremely happy .sx Why could she not meet them in real life ?sx Was she to give all that she had in herself to a man to make him rich enough to return them to her ?sx Was she to do all the work to give , to feel , and to suggest ?sx Except for herself , what did Robin Compton feel ?sx and except for his hobbies and antagonisms Greville's impulses were so restrained that it was impossible to know what he felt .sx .. What she wanted was that the man should give , and she should feel .sx She had always thought examiners stupid to plough boys for missing facts , or being weak in dates and Divinity .sx What you wanted in youth was not what you put into it , but what it could suggest of its own to interpret your teaching .sx If you reached enough shelves to read enough books you could learn every fact .sx But you must have a key in your own mind if the teaching you received was to be of any value .sx What she was looking for was the key .sx As she could only marry one man , she was going to love different things in different men first ; or to make a success of marriage she would have to prune away too many shoots , .sx and in the process behead the buds of what might bloom into flowers .sx Why should she prune herself into a hedge ?sx a hedge not to guard her from her enemies , but from herself .sx Robin would be a fool to propose to her .sx To declare himself was another matter .sx But if he were to propose , he would knock down a perfect structure which suited them both , and put in its place what ?sx An uncomfortable indecision .sx He wanted her love .sx He did not want marriage so much as to prevent her from marrying anyone else .sx She needed his love , and was as well aware as he was that marriage between them would be irrelevant , and a sudden " Yes " on her side a surprise .sx It would not only be the first step that costs , but the first move away from their love .sx She must at all hazards prevent this , and exorcise the banshee that was breaking in like a third person upon their daring intimacy .sx It was all terribly difficult .sx Was she to hold the torch herself that she was to follow ?sx She saw no beacon ahead to keep her off the rocks .sx Of what use was all her enterprise , all her adventure , when she hungered for what was outside herself ?sx She had better go back to her moors and her parents ; for on the one hand she had simple and punctual duties , and on the other large and healing vistas .sx She opened the window wide and appealed to the silent sequestered night ; but the crescent moon turned a cold face away from her .sx When dinner was over Sir Harry went to talk to his groom , and Jessica and Robin were alone .sx After trying several conversational openings , Jessica realized that nothing she could say was going to engage Robin's attention , and she wished that she had gone to the meeting .sx The clutch of custom had robbed their intimacy of much of its edge , but though she was ready to encourage Robin Pelham , it was humiliating to think she had lost the power to entertain any man who had once loved her .sx " I wonder why Octavia changed her mind ?sx " she said , feeling that if she could not amuse , she might at any rate provoke Robin .sx " She had been so keen to hear Waterborough .sx I don't think she looked particularly tired tonight , did you ?sx " .sx " I can't say I did .sx " " Quelle mouche l'a pique ?sx I expect by now she is regretting it .sx Shall I go and ask her if she'd like to see you ?sx " " On no account .sx It's not very surprising after a fall on your head that you shouldn't want to be with a lot of dull people in a hot room .sx " " Susan and Greville dull !sx They wouldn't like that at all .sx " " I wasn't thinking particularly of them .sx By the by , how long is Pelham staying ?sx I thought he was to go when I came .sx " " What made you think so ?sx " Wasn't he the overflow that made your house too full to have me ?sx " It's so long ago I hardly remember ; but I really don't know his plans .sx He's in nobody's way here , and he talks well .sx " " D'you think so ?sx I find talking to him like lifting a heavy dumb-bell .sx " " I expect he thinks us light , " said Jessica .sx " I don't suppose he thinks much about anyone but himself .sx " " In that he's not peculiar .sx When we aren't eating , or sleeping , most of us are thinking of ourselves .sx " Turning to Sir Harry , who had rejoined them , she said :sx " What do you say ?sx Robin says we think too much about ourselves .sx " " Dear me !sx you are very serious , " said Sir Harry , walking to the writing-table .sx " But haven't you observed how serious Robin is becoming ?sx Everyone notices it .sx You were seen with a book .sx the other day .sx Perhaps it was what in literary catalogues is called ` a gift book,' but I'm told you not only read now , but have almost forgotten how to swear .sx " " Don't be a gowk , Jessica !sx " said Robin , with irritation .sx " I'm not much of a linguist , but isn't that a Scotch word ?sx I'll go and ask Octavia how she is , as I know how dull one can feel when , after dining in bed , you find you aren't a bit tired , " said Jessica .sx Robin , who had written a note to Octavia and found out from Jenkins that she was perfectly well , did not attempt to stop her .sx His only desire was to avoid further conversation ; but he remained in the sitting-room in the hope that he might get an answer from Octavia , and in his state of irritation he knew that it would be impossible for him to sleep .sx Mrs. Brabazon's surmise had been right .sx When Octavia had finished a letter to the Professor , she regretted her decision and wished she had gone to the meeting .sx It is often more difficult to go to sleep when everything is arranged for your comfort than when you are sitting in church or on a chair ; and though her youth made it easy for her to sleep almost at any time and in any position , Octavia felt incapable of closing an eye .sx She seldom looked at what she wrote , but before gumming down the envelope she read her letter :sx Jenkins came into the room with a letter in her hand .sx " Mr. Compton enquired after you , miss , and gave me this note .sx " " I hope you told him I was all right , or they'll fuss me about hunting to-morrow , " said Octavia .sx " Did you tell Merlin I'd ride Kilmallock ?sx and post my letter to Lord Tilbury ?sx " .sx " Yes , miss .sx And I was to say to you from Sir Harry .sx that he would drive you to the meet to-morrow .sx " " Did you tell him that would suit me perfectly ?sx " " I told Mr. Robson .sx " " Who ?sx " " Sir Harry's valet , miss .sx " When her maid had gone Octavia opened Robin's letter :sx Octavia put the letter under her pillow , and taking a piece of notepaper wrote :sx I'm not tired , or sad , or puzzled , but always , all ways , the Octavia you know .sx When she had closed the envelope she heard a tap on the door .sx Jessica came into the room .sx " Your light was on , so I knew you weren't asleep .sx Why , darling , your room is a flower-garden !sx I never saw such roses .sx " " Aren't they wonderful ?sx Lord Tilbury has sent them every day .sx I really think it's sweet of him , as he's quite poor , isn't he ?sx " .sx " Yes , he is ; but I've come to the conclusion that the rich and the poor live in exactly the same way .sx Tilbury ought to have had a large fortune .sx He's romantically generous .sx Tell me , you weren't serious when you said you were going to leave us , were you ?sx " Dearest Mrs. Brabazon , I'm seldom serious , " said Octavia , " and unless I'm killed out hunting you won't lose me yet .sx " " Shall I tell Robin that ?sx " .sx " You can tell them all ; though I expect the news is of more interest to me than to anyone else .sx " " I said Robin , because I think he's upset about you .sx You mustn't be unkind to him , darling .sx He's really fond of you .sx " " Oh , I love Robin !sx - but he's well able to look after himself , " said Octavia lightly .sx " I don't think he's very heavy metal , do you ?sx " Do you like heavy metal ?sx " said Jessica .sx Octavia felt that they were both thinking of the same thing .sx " I think heavy metal is all very well , but would be terrible to live with , " said Jessica .sx " It so seldom goes with a sense of humour , or colour , or temperament , or any of the things that make life gay and joyous .sx After a time I'm sure it would wear one down .sx " " I wonder ?sx " said Octavia .sx Before leaving the room Jessica asked Octavia if she had any message she could deliver to Robin .sx " You might give him this note , and mind you say I'm quite all right and fit to hunt .sx " " I certainly will ; now you must go to sleep .sx " Jessica turned out the lights and shut the door .sx CHAPTER XIV .sx THE LABOUR CANDIDATE .sx ALTHOUGH Octavia had recovered from the physical effects of her fall , she dreaded that she might have damaged her nerve , and the bare possibility filled her with apprehension .sx To be afraid of being afraid is a poignant sensation , and one that sooner or later is always experienced by fox-hunters .sx She was full of trepidation as she and Sir Harry drove to the meet .sx " It's ever so good of you to take me , dearest Sir Harry ; I could easily have ridden .sx Robin was rather disappointed , I think .sx You see , he looks upon me as his pupil .sx " " Well , I look upon you as my patient , and the first day you hunt after concussion you shouldn't tire yourself .sx Permit me to add , I hope you will learn to disappoint Robin ; it will not be bad for either of you .sx If we don't learn to disappoint our admirers , my dear child , we end by deceiving them .sx " Sir Harry felt bold in saying this , but he had formed a high opinion of Octavia ; not only for her beauty and courage , but for her gaiety of nature .sx He had observed that during the time she was laid up Robin's attentions had in-creased , and he bad come to the conclusion that Octavia had no one of wisdom to advise her .sx He knew all about Robin Compton , and it was clear to him that Jessica , for reasons of her own , was not averse to encouraging his court-ship .sx Remembering what Susan Malet had said , Octavia asked Sir Harry if he liked Robin .sx " I like him very much ; but we like lots of things that aren't particularly good for us , " he answered .sx " I always think the things I like are ever so good for me !sx When I was a little girl , my nurse thought everything I hated was better for me than what I liked , and I was forced to swallow all sorts of slops which made me ill .sx You think one can like too much , do you ?sx