SOMETHING FUNNY .sx ARTHUR PROYLE fell in love with a barmaid whose name was Mimmy .sx He did not know how this had happened , unless it was by watching the frizzled bunches of hair that lifted themselves from the girl's round , white neck , and contrasting them with the dark , smooth locks of Edith , his wife .sx Mimmy was younger than Edith by some years , fatter , whiter , more playful ; but Edith had never been playful .sx Mimmy had blue eyes and a high - to other men , affected and monotonous - voice ; Edith had brown eyes , and she spoke low and infrequently .sx Proyle was troubled .sx He found it hard to buy food and clothing for one woman , and numerous presents for another , out of a small wage .sx So he shrugged his shoulders , told his lower lip he `didn't care,' and borrowed a hundred and fifty pounds from a man named Hinkson , with a cork leg , to set himself up in business as a florist .sx Though he spent many hours at the Mitre his business prospered .sx So did his love affair .sx Mimmy , the barmaid , did not worry too much about his wife .sx Edith , too , seemed to be perfectly contented .sx She never complained of his long absences , nor the strong smell of perfume which emanated from his clothes .sx Probably she put it down to the flowers .sx She began to look a .sx little smarter , went out more , sometimes to the pictures in the afternoon , often to a dance in the evening .sx But her husband never saw her , so absorbed was he in his business , and Mimmy .sx One day at the Mitre , Mimmy was missing from her post .sx She was ill ; she had first influenza , then pneumonia .sx She was very ill .sx Proyle was distracted .sx He sent her flowers from his shop ; but he could not help being glad that now he was a florist the flowers did not cost nearly so much .sx However , he saw that they were always fresh .sx It was a long time before Mimmy recovered , and when she did so she lost her job , and went back to her home in the Midlands .sx Arthur Proyle was desolate .sx He was little and cunning-looking , with small and dull blue eyes and a sallow skin ; the kind of man whose looks do not change much all his life long .sx One Friday , Proyle informed his wife that he `had to go up to Covent Garden for the week-end .sx ' He was very vague about it , but Edith's manner was even more indefinite .sx She packed a bag for him ; but when he left the house she was out shopping , so he did not have to say good-bye to her .sx He felt greatly relieved .sx Time wore on , and the business prospered so much that he was able to afford a silver mesh bag , of the very best quality , for Mimmy .sx And one week-end , to reverse a felicitous process , Mimmy took the train north to spend the day with her lover .sx He was surprised , delighted .sx . He shut the shop a little earlier to take her to the theatre .sx They spent a most pleasant evening , and towards the end , after an hour at the King's Head , both of them were what is known as `a little merry' ; but not more than that .sx The upshot was that Mimmy missed the last train home .sx As they stood in the half-light of the grey station , Proyle had an idea :sx `Never mind the train,' he said .sx `You can come up to our house .sx There's a spare bedroom , and it's big enough to hold you .sx ' `Go on !sx ' said Mimmy , playfully flicking his earnest face with her embroidered glove .sx `And what'll she say ?sx ' `It's my house,' retorted the man , `and Edith'll do as she's told .sx ' So they went to Shaplin Street in a taxi , and there was Edith waiting up for him as usual , with the Sunday paper , which came late Saturday night , in her hand .sx She looked a little startled , and not so ugly as the man had thought her .sx `This is a friend of mine,' he said loudly , to cover a certain nervousness , `and she's missed the last train home .sx ' They all stood in the long , narrow passage , on a strip of red carpet bordered by a patterned linoleum .sx A light , still low , for Edith had forgotten to turn it up , burned in a sort of imitation lantern above their heads .sx Mimmy looked at the stairs which sprang steeply upwards in front of her and blinked rapidly .sx She was beginning to wish she had not come .sx Edith took a long look at the girl .sx A faint shadow of some-thing crossed her face .sx She turned up the light .sx As she was doing so , `Now that's a pity,' she said , but added hospitably , `She can stay here if she likes .sx I'll soon get a bed ready ; there's sheets and blankets all aired in the hot cupboard .sx You can have your suppers while I'm making the bed .sx Every-thing's on the table - yes , I've had mine .sx Would you like to come upstairs first , Miss - all right , then , if you want me to call you Mimmy .sx ' Proyle was astounded .sx Everything passed off beautifully .sx Mimmy was the honoured guest .sx In the morning , she helped a little with the housework , made her bed , and consented , in a dazed way , to take just a short walk with Arthur , until dinner was ready .sx The lovers walked slowly to the reservoir and back .sx They did not have much to say .sx They started sentences , and could not finish them .sx Mimmy had expected and hoped for a row , she would have enjoyed it much more than this placid acceptance of her company , but it was obvious that Edith was not the kind of woman to take pleasure in a quarrel .sx Over the Sunday dinner they all discussed Arthur's business .sx `He's getting on so well that he could do with an assistant,' said Edith .sx `I wonder,' she added reflectively , `seeing Mimmy's out of a job , if she'd take it on ?sx ' The other two looked at each other in astonishment .sx `Of course I would,' said Mimmy eagerly .sx `There's only one thing .sx ..' She paused .sx `Where on earth could I get good lodgings ?sx I'd have to live somewhere near the place , as I'm not too fond of exercise ; but I am particular where I live .sx ' She turned to Edith .sx `Do you know anywhere ?sx Would you help me to find a place ?sx ' Edith answered , `Why not lodge here with us ?sx There's room enough , and I don't think you'll be a lot of trouble .sx It's as easy to cook for three as two easier and you could go down to the shop with Arthur .sx He'll be getting a little car soon , most likely .sx ' So it was arranged , and Proyle went about like a man in a dream .sx There was Mimmy by his side morning , noon , and night .sx He got to know her better .sx She thought it was cold in the shop , and when it was cold she had trouble with her nose .sx She ate a great many chocolates .sx Also , she persuaded him to buy a gramophone , then she went and chose several records of songs which were supposed to be funny .sx She tired quickly of each lot , and bought more , with his money .sx Sometimes Proyle , his wife , and their lodger went out together in the evenings .sx It seemed very pleasant .sx When they returned , after supper , Edith would yawn , and say she was tired , and would go up to bed , leaving Proyle and Mimmy to lock up and turn out the lights .sx `Why does she go off to bed before us ?sx ' asked Mimmy one night in a whisper .sx `If I was your wife , and a girl lodged here , you bet your life I'd be the last to go to bed .sx ' `I don't know,' said Proyle shortly .sx `Come on , Mimmy , get off upstairs .sx ' The man was frowning .sx There were many evenings when Edith went out alone .sx She had more money to spend now , as her husband was not mean , and she bought pretty clothes .sx After all , as she said , she was not old yet .sx Her husband began to look troubled , to think .sx He did not eat so well , and often could not sleep .sx Once , when Mimmy muddled some accounts , and lost business for him , he called her a `lazy trollop,' and shouted at her so loudly that people in the street heard him .sx She sniffled drearily for a time , then she forgave him , and went out and bought some new records , sentimental ones , where loud-voiced sopranos sang about forgetting and forgiving .sx The man left a hasty note , one Friday , to say that he had to see someone at Covent Garden , and he really did go to London .sx He brought back a present for his wife , and at the last minute , remembering that Mimmy would want something , got her some chocolates from a shop at the corner of the street .sx When she opened them , she found they were stale , so she would not eat them , but sat sullen all evening , her lips turned down at the corners .sx Edith said that she and Mimmy had had a very nice week-end .sx They had been for a walk on the moor on Sunday afternoon , and at night had gone down to the Mitre to see Mimmy's old friends .sx Some time later Proyle went alone to the Mitre to pay Hinkson the man with the cork leg the last instalment , plus interest , of the hundred and fifty pounds he had borrowed from him .sx The business was extraordinarily profitable ; he was running a small car , and his wife was thinking of moving into a larger , newer house .sx The man himself was looking miserable .sx The other day he had furtively put his hand on Edith's shoulder and whispered close to her ear , `I'm going to give Mimmy the sack !sx ' She had turned to look at him , surprised and hostile .sx Then she had smiled a cold smile .sx `What if she won't take it ?sx ' she said enigmatically .sx Then she had slipped on her pretty coat and hat and walked out of .sx the house ; he did not know where she was going , but he would have liked to know .sx Hinkson had not yet come in .sx The sound of raised voices came from a corner where four men were arguing .sx Proyle ordered a pint , and sat down at a small table away from the bar to wait .sx He felt as if he would like to sit there for a long time and not go back .sx He tried to think about his business , about to-morrow's orders , but always something to do with his home-life instead disturbed his thoughts ; something new that tormented him .sx Arthur Proyle drank off his beer at one gulp ; then , lifting the pewter mug high above his head , he banged it down on to the iron top of the table with such force that the bowl rolled away into a corner , leaving only the severed handle in his grasp .sx Staring at the fragment as though it might help him in the elucidation of some problem , he said slowly and emphatically , `There's something damned funny about all this !sx ' THE MAN IN BLACK .sx THE end carriage of the train waggled like the tail of a duck .sx There was no guard's van .sx At Wennington , or some station like it , another train would probably be hooked on to the back .sx There were plenty of empty carriages , and it was a slow train , but I got into this one partly because of its unusualness , and partly because of the man in black .sx This man would be between fifty and sixty years of age .sx He had the long face , long upper lip , rounded head and fanatic eyes of a certain type of Yorkshireman .sx But instead of sitting in pride he had the appearance of a man whose back has been broken and who does not yet know it .sx With the shaking of the train he too shook on the hot red cushions , his yellowing hands , with their uneven , bluish nails , clasped over his knees .sx The journey was going to take three and a half hours .sx The train would stop at every sun-steeped station of the seventy miles .sx