HOME GYMNASTICS .sx Do you want nobby muscles ?sx Do you want a massive chest ?sx You do ?sx Very well , then , perhaps ( mark this word particularly ) I can help you to obtain them .sx First of all , let me inform you that a good athletic human shape should be a thick oblong , 6ft .sx long by 3ft .sx wide , with square corners .sx Now I want you to remember the following :sx The hardest muscle to locate is the chest .sx In the best shapes it is found below the ribs , extending forward in a graceful bow curve .sx The chest is a hollow muscle , and contains the organs .sx Some of these , such as the lungs , are pipe organs .sx Others , such as the stomach , are barrel organs .sx The chief value of muscles is to prevent bathing suits from publishing family skeletons .sx Now , after you have inwardly digested the above , we will begin the exercises .sx No .sx 1 .sx Assume an upright and erect position , with the toes close together and the heels wide apart , to form a perfect V , the elbows placed upon the hips .sx Now raise the left set of toes in the air , 2ft .sx from the ground , do ditto with the right heel , count 99 , then reassume the standing position .sx Perform this movement alternately sixteen times .sx Care should be observed to maintain the erect position of the body , and , if any difficulty is found in doing so , assist your balance by placing one hand upon some article of furniture , such as a palm-stand .sx This .sx exercise strengthens the insteps , develops the calves of the legs , and tries your temper .sx No .sx 2 .sx Start from the erect position , as in Exercise No .sx 1 , and keep the arms straight ; bring them forward until in a line with the shoulders , then raise them above the head , and try and scratch your ears with your elbows .sx While in this position inhale as much breath as possible , and hold it for ten minutes .sx From this point bring the arms smartly backwards to the sides , and at the same time expel the air from your lungs .sx Repeat this movement a dozen times .sx Don't try the thirteenth , unless you touch wood , as it is considered rather unlucky .sx No .sx 3 .sx Start again from the erect position , with the arms close down by the sides , and firmly grasp your knees .sx This will prevent them knocking together and playing a bone solo .sx Now , keeping the body firm from the front , turn the neck only , until you look in the direction of the right shoulder .sx While in this position inhale a deep breath , filling the lungs so much that you can bring the chest up to the chin .sx Now bring the head backwards , bend from the neck only , bring your left knee up to your right hip , here count four , then bring your right knee up to your left hip .sx Count four more , and reassume the standing position .sx Repeat this six times , and the neck will be developed into quite symmetrical proportions .sx No .sx 4 .sx Get a chair for this exercise .sx Put both feet on the seat of same at once .sx Start from the position of attention , balance yourself perfectly , bring the right foot about a yard to the rear of the left foot , straighten the right knee , and bend the left , with the right heel raised from the seat of the chair , and at the same time raise the arms upwards .sx Then lean backwards from the waist as much as possible , say :sx " Every day in every way , I am getting better and better , " give a sudden leap into the air , kiss the ceiling three times , count four , then kiss the floor and then pick yourself up and remove the pieces of chair out of the way .sx After this you can get busy with your liniment and Court plaster , as , perhaps , for the first time or two , these exercises will make you rather sore .sx MY SON JOHN .sx Talk about boys !sx I've got one , and for downright stupidity he certainly is beyond anything I ever saw in all my life .sx The word stupid is not strong enough , it does not half express it .sx He does some of the most outlandish things I ever heard tell of .sx Now , for an example .sx My wife sent him to the butcher's one day last week to see if he had pig's feet .sx He came back and told his mother he couldn't tell , the butcher had his shoes on .sx Stupid and lazy !sx Well , the fact is he was born tired .sx Why when we want to get him up early in the morning we have to wake him up two hours before he goes to bed .sx He goes to Sunday School , and what do you think he said last Sunday ?sx You see , the teacher always asks the same questions every Sunday .sx She says to the first boy , " Who made you ?sx " Then the little boy replies , " The Lord made me .sx '' Then she asks the next boy that's my boy , he's No .sx 2 :sx " Who was the first man ?sx " And he says , " Adam , " and so on down to the foot of the class .sx Well , last Sunday the first boy was absent , so that made my boy first , and the teacher began with " Who made you ?sx " My boy said , " Adam .sx " Then the teacher corrected him and said , " No , no , the Lord made you .sx " Then my boy said , " No , sir ; the little boy the Lord made didn't come to-day .sx " Oh !sx he's a great boy , and to add to his other accomplishments , he's the biggest coward of his size I ever saw .sx He is frightened to death at thunder and lightning .sx Last night he was upstairs in his bed , his mother was in the parlour , and it was raining very hard , with an occasional burst of thunder .sx Suddenly his mother heard him cry and scream at the top of his voice .sx She ran upstairs , frightened to death .sx She thought he had a fit , or something .sx He was sitting straight up in bed and screaming that he was afraid of the lightning .sx His mother said , " Don't be afraid , Johnny , remember the Lord is with you ; nothing can hurt you .sx " " Is He here now , in this room ?sx " he asked .sx " Yes , " his mother said , " He's always with you .sx " She went downstairs after reassuring him , but she had hardly reached the foot of the stairs when there was a terrible clap of thunder that shook the whole house , and Johnny shouted , " Say , mother , you come upstairs and stay with the Lord , and I'll go down in the parlour .sx " BILLY KAY .sx You know , before I met .sx she kept house for ten of her brothers .sx She was ill some time ago , so the doctor ordered her to Port Sunlight , and leave her brothers .sx She's very careful , my wife , I took her to Blackpool the other day and lost her .sx When I found her , there she was on the sands poking about with her umbrella .sx So I said , " What are you looking for ?sx " She said she'd lost her toffee , so I said , " Well , it won't be any good , if you find it all covered with sand .sx " She said , " Yes , but my teeth are in it .sx " It was the first time she'd seen the sea , so she thought she'd take a bottle of sea-water home to remind her what it was like .sx So she went to to an old salt standing against a boat and asked him how much it was a bottle .sx The old man said " 6d .sx " She said , " I'll take a bottle .sx " About three hours after , when the tide had gone out , she went up to that old salt and said , .sx " I see you've nearly sold out .sx " My wife is a funny woman .sx She's forty , .sx Thinks she's thirty .sx Dresses like twenty .sx And talks like a child of ten .sx DAWGS .sx BY TED STEELS .sx There had been a coursing meeting during the day , and many coursing enthusiasts were to be seen about the old city .sx I met this particular " doggy " individual in a house of call which I occasionally visit .sx I call this process " studying character , " and I am human enough to leave it to the reader , who , no doubt , will let it go at that .sx He lurched forward , a man with a shifty eye , a red face undoubtedly alcoholic in its inspiration and a voice inclined to be bibulous .sx " Wonderful animals dogs , ain't they ?sx " he began .sx I nodded .sx " Talkin' about dogs , " he went on .sx " I'll tell yer about one o' mine .sx It was a very intelligent animal , I can tell yer .sx Whenever I give it a penny , 'e would spend it at the baker's , but if 'e didn't feel 'ungry 'e use to 'ide it under the mat .sx That was 'is bank , an' sometimes 'e 'ad quite a number of coppers collected .sx From this pile 'e use to take a 'a'penny or penny when 'e wanted it .sx 'E knew there was a difference between the two coins , an' that 'e 'ad to get two biscuits for a penny , an' one for a 'a'-penny .sx I f 'e took a penny an' wanted only one biscuit , 'e would wait for 'is change .sx Once I tried 'im with a sixpence .sx 'E promptly took it to the baker's , obtained two biscuits an' five pennies , an' then returned to me an' let me 'ave the change .sx " I looked him squarely in the face with my frostiest manner .sx He gazed at me fixedly , and went on without a blink .sx " Yes , " he said , " but I once 'ad a dog that was much cleverer than that .sx You can believe me or not , but what I am goin' to tell you is true , I'll take my affidavit .sx In the early part of last spring a farmer who lives near to me lost six ewes , an' couldn't find 'em nowhere , until about three weeks after , when , as I was lookin' across from my 'ouse to the edge of the fen opposite , about two miles away I noticed some sheep .sx I got my telescope an' assured myself that they was the farmer's lost ewes .sx I placed the telescope in a suitable position and made my dog look through it .sx After about a minute , 'e wagged 'is tail an' was off like a shot .sx In less than two hours 'e brought the sheep 'ome safe an' sound !sx " .sx I looked him squarely in the eyes once again .sx He leaned over confidentially and made another start .sx " A pal o' mine , " he commenced , " once left me a dog to take care of , as 'e was goin' away for a time .sx But the dog annoyed me by always sitting' in my best armchair .sx One day an idea struck me .sx I came into the room an' found the dog in my usual seat , so I walked up to the winder , an' called :sx ' Cats , cats !sx ' Up jumped the dog an' rushed to the winder , while I went , an' sat in the chair .sx A few days later the dog walked into the room while I was sittin' in my armchair .sx Goin' up to the winder 'e barked loudly .sx I got up to see what was the matter , an' the dog rushed an' secured the chair .sx " He applied a match to his pipe , and reduced the quantity of liquid in his glass , then he went on :sx " One day I arrived 'ome soaked through , 'aving been caught in a 'eavy downpour of rain .sx I removed my jacket an' 'anded it to one of my dogs , who immediately disappeared with it .sx I was curious to see what the animal would do with the jacket .sx I followed 'im , an' , my lad , would you believe it , I saw that dog sittin' before my kitchen fire with 'is forepaws outstretched to the flames .sx Over the paws 'ung my jacket , which 'e turned about , first one side , then on the other , in the process of dryin' it .sx " He waited expectantly , an alcoholic lust gleaming in his face .sx I did not help him .sx Instead , I looked him squarely in the face once again .sx He looked at me coldly , and then went on .sx " I 'ave a dog with a wonderfully keen scent , " he said , " an' just allow me to tell you that one day , after I left 'ome , he broke 'is chain , an' , although I 'ad been away for hours , 'e tracked me an' found me merely by scent .sx