" No , you're a humanist- so am I- I think .sx Words don't seem to count where real feeling is concerned .sx " " You'll only be able to judge of what's happened by the way it turns out .sx And you must wait for that .sx " " I'm so miserable- waiting .sx . " she confessed with trembling lips .sx He swore roundly into his beard .sx " Listen Nan , our personal desires can go haywire at times .sx If we all followed our desire what kind of a world would we live in ?sx Crime , disease , misery- no end to it .sx There has to be law and order- and basically we make our own .sx Try not to worry so much .sx Would you like me to have a word with Stuart ?sx " She started up wildly .sx " No .sx No .sx No .sx Keep out if this , Doc .sx You promised .sx . I'll never forgive you if you speak of it to anyone .sx . " " You can trust me .sx I wouldn't care to tackle a man on such an issue .sx It would be interesting to hear what he is thinking right now .sx " " Oh , he'll be congratulating himself on a lucky escape , " she said bitterly .sx In spite of or because of the confession Nan was feeling better .sx Doctor Benson had almost forced it from her , and she knew that he was right , in spite of wilful desire to hug her unhappiness to her bosom .sx His reasoning had given her another train of thought .sx He went to the cupboard where he mixed them both a drink .sx " Drink this , Nan- and chin up .sx What can't be cured must be endured .sx You'll survive .sx " " A more unfeeling remark would be hard to find .sx Ugh !sx Whisky .sx I hate the stuff .sx I don't know how you can drink it , Doc .sx " She drained the glass however , and handed it back to him , before uncrossing her legs and going to him .sx " Thank you for everything .sx I think I get the general impression .sx I'm still miserable though .sx " They exchanged smiles .sx " It'll stop- in time .sx And if it doesn't you'll learn to live with it .sx " He sat down by the open window , while Nan went upstairs .sx She thought of his words .sx He knew their truth as few could do .sx She remembered the war , when he had his hand on the door of his home when the bomb fell , taking with it all he held dear .sx His wife , his child , and the child to be born- and he hadn't sought solace elsewhere .sx He'd learned to live with pain .sx " I'd say he was happy- most of the time , " she mused .sx Was that because , having made his choice- he stayed with it , as he had advised her to do ?sx Chapter Nine .sx NAN WOKE AT dawn prompted by a memory that eluded her at first .sx She got up and dressed , and stood by her window , gazing out across the garden to the road , and beyond that the beach .sx In the early light the sands appeared lifeless , ugly , dark .sx The birds had started their dawn chorus and it may have been this that had wakened her .sx Her gaze swivelled towards the yacht , standing far out to sea like a graceful gull riding the waves .sx Near at hand was Jimmy's small rowing boat to which he had recently attached an outboard motor .sx She could hear the chugging distinctly in the quietness .sx Two men were aboard .sx . Stuart and Jimmy .sx She watched them for some time , seeing their absorbing interest in what they were doing .sx Lobster would figure prominently on the menu at the yacht today .sx Yet Stuart was after more than lobster fishing , Nan knew .sx He was too big a man to waste time on anyone without sufficient reason .sx Doc had only judged from what she had told him , yet the other side the story went so much deeper .sx There could be no sharp division as one believed when one was young .sx Nan saw that now .sx The judging must come from one's own experience , one's own conscience , and understanding .sx What the world thought didn't matter .sx She saw one of the clumsy-looking lobster pots being hauled on board and its contents taken out .sx This was repeated several times and she tired of watching .sx She would have given much to know the conversation between the two men as they worked .sx All day she worked , keeping thought at bay , trying to win back to tranquility .sx The old house shone with the extra polishing for which she found time .sx Mrs. B. was washing , hanging out the clothes on the line in the back garden , revelling in the soft breeze that had sprung up .sx Nan worked herself to a standstill .sx When night came she was thankful to relax .sx Charles and Doctor Benson were both absent from the house for it was always a busy time for them when so many visitors flocked to the village .sx Their surgeries were packed , making their calls later and later in the day .sx Jimmy brought two lobsters , dressed ready for the table .sx Nan laughed when she saw them .sx " I saw you out on the water at dawn , " she told him .sx " Yes , Mr. Maxwell was keen .sx He's done deep sea fishing in Bermuda , Alaska , all over the world .sx " So it was of that they talked ?sx Nan waited , putting the lobster on a dish .sx " They are fine ones , Jimmy .sx " " Yes , I'm taking on that job , Nan .sx " He looked at her expectantly .sx " Are you ?sx " she turned away .sx " Are you glad about it ?sx " " Yes , It's a step in the right direction for me .sx Maxwell is a fine chap. He says he'll help me a lot if I'll stick with him .sx He says it will be permanent too .sx He wants me right away .sx I'm boarding the yacht tonight .sx " " Oh , no Jimmy .sx . " She was aghast at this .sx " Sorry ?sx " he asked teasingly .sx " Yes .sx I'll miss you .sx " His face changed its expression .sx " I'll miss you , Nan , but it won't be for long .sx I promise that .sx I'll be home every chance I get .sx Let's have a walk , Nan .sx . it's our last chance for a while .sx " They spent an hour together , talking nostalgically as they wandered slowly down the coast road to the village .sx Nan felt hedged in by sadness which she tried to dispel for Jimmy's sake .sx It was only later that she realised that he might have misunderstood her sad mood , taking it to himself .sx He would think she was sad at his going .sx When they returned to the house he stopped her with a gentle force she could not withstand .sx " Nan- you'll wait ?sx Promise you'll wait .sx I wouldn't go if I thought otherwise .sx It's real with me .sx " " Oh , Jimmy , I can't promise .sx I wish I could .sx I wish I knew .sx " She sighed against him .sx " Try to forget about me .sx You'll meet lots of other girls .sx Why has it to be me , Jimmy ?sx " " There's no one to hold a candle to you , Nan .sx " He whispered the words for he was always shy of expressing his feelings .sx " You're beautiful and strong and .sx . the girl I want .sx " " Don't be hurt , Jimmy ; I can't be tied down yet .sx " " Will you give me a definite answer at Christmas ?sx " That was what Charles had said- that it had to be yes or no with Jimmy .sx He couldn't understand her hesitation .sx She felt his eagerness and was sorry because the failure was within herself .sx She returned his kiss because that was all she had to give .sx " Yes , I promise I'll give you an answer then .sx You may be the one to feel glad that I didn't promise .sx You may meet someone else .sx " " No .sx We've known each other too long for that .sx " " Perhaps too long , Jimmy .sx " " Think of me .sx " " Yes .sx Now , you'd better go .sx Good night- and good-bye .sx . Jimmy .sx . " He left her abruptly .sx She heard his footsteps on the road , brisk , sure of himself , and where he was going .sx She turned back to the dark house , where only the light above the surgery door showed like a pool .sx Stuart stepped into that light , making her start for she had not known there was anyone near .sx He must have stayed in the shadows until he heard Jimmy leaving .sx There was a moment of silence , hard to break .sx Nan felt as if her breath had run out at the top of her head , leaving her suspended , her lungs helpless .sx " Saying good-bye to Jimmy ?sx " Stuart said .sx " You saw for yourself , " she was thankful when her voice followed her will .sx " Why didn't you speak sooner ?sx " " I didn't want to spoil your last tender moments together .sx " She let this pass because she hated him when he sneered .sx " I've been waiting for over an hour , cruising around on my own in the car , then I knew you must return sometime .sx Where have you been ?sx " " Surely that is my affair .sx " " Answer me .sx " " We went for a last walk together- just talking .sx Any reason why we shouldn't ?sx " She went ahead of him into the house , switching on all the lights as she went .sx There couldn't be too much light at that moment and she prayed that either Doc or Charles would come soon .sx Stuart followed her .sx " Not any reason .sx Charles is with Hilary- bidding her good-bye for a while .sx This kind of thing is contagious .sx " " I hate it when you sneer about Charles and Hilary .sx " " I wasn't sneering .sx I'm just jealous as hell .sx . " She gave him a disbelieving look .sx " Please- do you mind ?sx And while we are alone , will you tell me the real reason why you gave Jimmy that job ?sx " " To get him away from here .sx " " I thought so .sx It won't make any difference .sx " " I gathered you were making him wait- too .sx . " The inference was not lost on her and she flushed hotly .sx " Who told you so ?sx " " He did , or words to that effect .sx " She turned her shoulder , offended in a way she could not explain even to herself .sx " Hadn't you better go ?sx " " I too , came to say good-bye .sx I told you it was catching .sx We rather missed out on that yesterday .sx " " Your fault .sx Thank you for the flowers by the way .sx They are very beautiful , but you needn't have gone to so much trouble .sx I was pleased to give Brownie the goldfish on her own account .sx " " Oh , I didn't send the flowers for that reason .sx " " No ?sx How is she , by the way ?sx " " In robust health as usual .sx Mrs. Tyler is finding it a bit of a strain looking after her on deck .sx " " I'm sure .sx She is such an active child .sx " " So- it's good-bye , Nan .sx You made me angry but I'm over that now .sx I hope you have forgiven me .sx " " Quite , " she agreed quickly .sx " Then we could do the job properly perhaps .sx " She moved across the room .sx " No .sx " " Scared ?sx " The jibe came softly .sx " I think I am .sx Her compliance closed the way to him completely .sx " You don't trust me .sx " " Good-bye Stuart .sx I hope you enjoy the remainder of your trip .sx " He thrust both hands in his pockets and lounged closer , a pulse beating intermittently in his temple .sx " I'm taking Brownie back home , then going to America .sx I'll be away some time , Nan .sx This is something I must do .sx " She wondered why he was at such pains to explain his movements .sx It had nothing to do with her .sx He could go round the world and she would not care- much .sx She glanced secretly at the clock , wondering how to get him out of the house .sx She felt uncomfortable as she stood with her hands on the back of the old chair .sx " Would you like some coffee ?sx " she offered , hoping he would not accept .sx " Thank you .sx That would be nice .sx " " I won't be long .sx " When she reached the kitchen he was close behind her .sx He watched as she measured the coffee , and she wished she had a fund of small talk with which to keep him entertained .sx It was obvious that he had come to say more than good-bye .sx " I left something in the car , " he said , and went out the back way .sx While he was absent she prepared the tray with cups and saucers and sugar .sx If only he'd go .sx . she thought desperately .sx The ordeal was more than she could bear at that moment .sx The peace she had gained in Jimmy's company was fast being dispelled .sx