The Toothache .sx Toothache on top of all this was too much .sx He had always taken great care of his teeth , even as a child .sx A child .sx His marriage was two months old and he wished that he was .sx Fifty years had passed in as many days .sx That made him seventy three .sx Another two to go .sx His life was almost over .sx He had come to the right place .sx The door was divided , like a stable door , into two equal leaves .sx He knocked on the upper leaf , a frosted glass panel with the name and profession in heavy black capitals .sx The upper half opened .sx A clean , florid face appeared and disappointment pricked him .sx -Yes ?sx -Would you .sx . attend to this for me , please ?sx The slip of paper was carefully scrutinised .sx Himself .sx The paper .sx Himself .sx -Are you the father ?sx -Yes .sx -Come in .sx The lower half of the door was unlatched to admit him into a room which seemed half church , half office .sx The ecclesiastical half was neat and shining , the official half untidy , strewn with papers .sx Nameless brass projections hung on the walls and looked as if they had been looted from a church .sx There were glossy photographs of the rest chapels in the city's crematoria .sx The funeral director busied himself among his littered papers , and , in a few minutes , with the air of having solved a problem , pronounced , as if he expected his client to haggle :sx -That will be three pounds ten , young man .sx -Yes .sx He drew four new pound notes from his wallet , crossed the room , and placed them emphatically beneath the undertaker's eyes .sx -It will be tomorrow .sx Will anyone attend ?sx -No .sx -Has it got a name ?sx -No .sx -Shall I inform you of the place of burial ?sx -No .sx . thank you .sx -Some people like to know , but best forgotten .sx [SIC] -If the child had lived only a few days or weeks it would have had a name .sx And a stone .sx He felt he was apologising for not bringing better trade .sx -A different matter .sx But best forgotten .sx He seemed to have solved a problem .sx -It doesn't often happen these days .sx He wondered how much a child of a few months would cost .sx -Right .sx I'll see to it tomorrow for you .sx -Thank you .sx He turned to go .sx The business completed , the undertaker moved from the official to the ecclesiastical side of the room , and took his hand .sx -Put it there .sx I know what it is .sx I'm a family man myself .sx With his other hand the undertaker held out a small receipt for three pounds ten and a crumpled ten shilling note .sx He took them and went through the divided door .sx -Good afternoon .sx -Good afternoon , young man .sx It had been the same with the registrar of births and deaths , when he had collected the certificate for disposal at the hospital that morning .sx Names .sx Dates of birth .sx 937 .sx 937 .sx Professions .sx Schoolteacher .sx Schoolteacher .sx The registrar wrote the date of the stillbirth .sx 9 February , 1960 .sx -When were you married ?sx -December the Sixteenth .sx -Nineteen Fifty Eight ?sx -No , last year .sx The registrar smiled .sx Who had selected him to endure this ?sx Time ?sx Like an ever rolling stream .sx There was comfort in that .sx His tooth ached .sx No comfort .sx There was time to kill before his dental appointment .sx There was always time to kill .sx You stood in the present and watched either the last moment die or the next being born .sx As they were ejaculated into being , his mind , like a spermicide , killed off the seeds of time .sx All his moments were dying .sx When you were seventy three you could only look behind you .sx At that age you walked backwards into the future .sx There was time to kill before his dental appointment , before he died .sx He would walk .sx To reach the dentist's , which he had not thought to change , he had to walk from Town to Beeston , up the long hill that overlooked the rest of Leeds .sx It was very near his old home .sx Since he had left so abruptly he had not returned .sx The lack of forgiveness would remain mutual .sx His resentment would consume his guilt .sx Supposing he was seen ?sx Let them see him .sx Supposing he saw his mother at the greengrocer's on the corner ?sx He would ignore her .sx He had written a terse postcard to tell them about the child and that was all .sx They would say it was a judgement .sx Besides if you were seventy three , your parents would be dead .sx All the names that had been heaped on them !sx All the fragments of morality that had fallen about their heads !sx The fifth and the seventh commandments .sx They had burned his photograph and the Bible he had kept at his bedside .sx Such as he had no right to possess that , let alone read it .sx It had only been an ornament anyway .sx A tit bit .sx A miniature edition , inscribed Joseph Carson , 1841 .sx He had picked it up in the market for a few pence , buried under the battered copies of Marie Corelli , Ouida and Hall Caine .sx After only two months of absence the familiar streets showed signs of considerable change .sx Instead of the lines of gas lamps he was shocked to find overhead sodium lighting , and there was demolition in progress on a row of terrace houses , almost the same as his own street .sx He stopped to watch .sx There was time to kill .sx Ahead of him a man on crutches stood watching the houses being torn down .sx That had not changed .sx The afternoons were always peopled by mothers and children under five , or by the aged and the maimed .sx All the able-bodied , like the demolition men , were at work .sx He himself would be back at school tomorrow morning .sx After his slight indisposition .sx A chill ?sx A bilious attack ?sx The blood on the stair , the floor of the ambulance , the attendants' hands .sx At his feet on a pile of broken bricks , open at page 305 , lay the grey remnants of The Beauties of British Poetry :sx 'The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold , And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold;' He turned the stiffened pages with his foot .sx Another by Lord Byron .sx Mrs. Hemans .sx Hogg .sx Two men with sledgehammers were poised on a high fragment of surviving wall .sx They might easily fall and kill themselves .sx This part of the city had worn badly .sx It was good to see it go .sx How doth the city sit solitary , that was full of people !sx Seventy three .sx Fifty years had passed .sx You could expect changes in fifty years .sx Every change after fourteen years was for the worst .sx A plaque on the site testified that the work was being carried out by a member of The National Federation of Demolition Contractors .sx On it was a badge with a map of the British Isles .sx Great Britain and Ulster were in black .sx On the circumference of the badge , surmounting the Outer Hebrides , was a contractor's crane .sx A shovel intersected Sligo and traversed Ireland as far as County Cork , where it emerged into the ocean .sx A pick in the North Sea had its point curved towards some coastal town beneath the Firth of Forth .sx A crowbar , its point of balance opposite the Isle of Wight , floated in the English Channel , extending , at a rough guess , from Plymouth to Brighton .sx Beneath all this was the date , 1941 , ( he was four ) , and beneath that the motto , RESURGAM .sx The cripple had moved off .sx He overtook him quickly , imagining the cripple's envy at his straight , retreating legs .sx He turned round .sx The cripple's head , as if it always had , hung , like a cartoon Christ's , upon his breast .sx He was nearer to his old home .sx You could see almost all of Leeds from the crest of Beeston Hill , the roofs , the chimneys and the steeples , the higher civic buildings , the clock of the black Town Hall , to which he had listened , in his attic bedroom , striking the small hours of those mornings immediately before he left .sx The slightest earth tremor could level them .sx He could see the familiar landmarks that he had passed on his way up .sx The Salem Institute , Hudson's Warehouse , formerly Wesley Hall , the gas cylinders , the truncated pinnacles of Christ Church .sx Some time ago , these had become insecure and the constant passage of heavy and rapidly increasing traffic had made them a danger to the community .sx The incumbent had sat for weeks at a trestle table , with placards ranged about him and fixed above the church porch on either side of what seemed to be a tinted photograph of Christ , beneath which was written in white capitals , COME UNTO ME .sx Who would go to that ?sx The faded figure held out its arms in a gesture of welcome .sx AN APPEAL FOR RENOVATIONS TO THE FABRIC OF THE CHURCH .sx +10,000 URGENTLY NEEDED .sx PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY .sx SAVE YOUR CHURCH .sx Hardly a tithe was raised and , with no regard for proportion , the dangerous finials and crockets were removed , leaving four stunted growths of stone , projecting from a square tower .sx They should have left them to fall down .sx Nearer to him was the large dome of a building , formerly The Queen's Theatre , The Music Hall , the Queen's Cinema , now an unwanted fixture , described as an excellent site for future development , becoming more and more dilapidated , devoid of players , stars or audience .sx Of the advertisement board above the entrance , between what had been two giant tulips , there remained only the word , TODAY .sx Just visible below , however , the Palace Cinema , formerly The Tabernacle , was still assertive .sx Its prices had risen , so they said , from fourpence to one and six or two and three .sx It had risen in the world .sx The city was senile too .sx Let the everlasting stars go out .sx They would all pass away as one , a slow driftage of stardust , crumbled brick and plaster , powdered flesh and bone .sx The dentist had his surgery in Cemetery Road on the very brow of the commanding hill .sx In the congested burial ground on his left the remains of his family from seventeen something were laid at rest , the butchers , the publicans , their wives , and some of their children .sx His father took flowers there almost every week and sometimes came home with the stains of clay on his trouser knees .sx The five sons , now dispersed in various parts of England , sent every year , with their Christmas Cards , a subscription towards an elaborate wreath .sx From the chair , as he was having his teeth tested and found wanting , he fixed his attention on the landmarks below him , to distract his mind from the pains of the dentist's probe .sx Four of his teeth required treatment .sx Three new fillings and one about twelve years old that needed repair .sx He had forgotten about that .sx The tooth that ached was not to be extracted .sx It would just be possible to fill it .sx Of course , they were paid more for a filling .sx -Do you still clean your teeth regularly ?sx -Yes , of course .sx After every meal .sx -And you don't eat sweets ?sx -No .sx -Or a lot of biscuits ?sx -No .sx No .sx -Mm .sx Your teeth are poorly resistant to decay .sx They gave you nothing to numb the pain of drilling .sx No cocaine .sx No laughing gas .sx The drill began .sx He stared at the heavens and the higher landmarks .sx He pinched his hand beneath the protective sheet .sx Birds circled within his vision , circumscribed by the tilted position of the chair , seagulls fleeing the storms on the North Sea or the Irish Sea , sparrows , starlings circling the stunted pinnacles of Christ Church , the dome of the Queen's Theatre , the Music Hall , the Queen's Cinema , the derelict , wheeling backwards and forwards above the Gas Works cylinders , the Salem Institute , and , nearer , settling on the houses on the hill immediately beneath the window .sx Concentrate .sx Transfer the pain into the hand .sx The birds soar as the pain is sharp on the crumbling tooth .sx They settle and it is subdued .sx The drill .sx The drill .sx They rise , they wheel and turn , around the stunted pinnacles , poorly resistant to decay , the Queen's Theatre , poorly resistant to decay , the Queen's Cinema , poorly resistant to decay , the derelict , the excellent site for future development , for future buildings , future derelicts , that will survive my teeth , my flesh and bone , my son , who died before he saw the broken world , that may survive my second or my third , their first , or be demolished , excavated , filled , plucked out , root and all , teeth and children torn out of their roots , the nameless flesh interred in nameless ground , the dead to judgement torn , Christ torn from the tomb , the roots , the judgement , the welcoming , the faded Christ , poorly resistant to decay .sx