The Stile .sx The mirror had a bevelled edge , so that by tilting it carefully he could cut his eye in half quite painlessly .sx Now he had three eyes and a harelip .sx He squared the mirror , made a cruel gesture with his mouth , then put his hand down the front of his trousers to see if he had more hair than Falkirk yet .sx Suddenly he noticed some flecks of scurf that must have fallen on the mirror when he was combing his parting .sx He began to worry about that instead .sx The waiting was intolerable .sx And yet he knew it shouldn't be .sx The bed was a secure island where he was immune from time .sx That was why before going back to school , or before going to the dance as now , he would set aside a whole hour for lying on his bed .sx It was a rational device for delaying fear .sx When he panicked , and he had been panicking for more than a week , he could say to himself , 'There is still the hour .sx There is no excuse for worrying before the hour .sx ' The strategem never worked , but he still enforced it rigidly because the hour was the time for thinking .sx Now he felt silly lying on the bed in his blue suit and his ridiculous patent-leather shoes with silver buckles .sx He strained his ears to hear his mother backing the car out of the garage ; all the time his breathing coming faster .sx The other thought came back .sx He bit his lip and cut his eye in half again with the mirror .sx He rather wished the down would disappear altogether .sx Last term had been bad enough .sx Their voices were still in his ears like trapped bees .sx 'Morton has a forest !sx ' 'With a waterfall in it !sx ' 'Morton !sx Morton !sx Morton !sx ' 'Look at the Jelly Roll !sx ' 'I'm precocious,' he said carefully , and aloud to the ceiling , turning away wearily from the sound of their voices .sx He wondered dazedly whether the term after next at his new school everyone would have hairy Dings and it wouldn't matter so much .sx What if his trousers fell off tonight and all the girls at the dance started shouting .sx . He reversed the mirror quickly , and as an additional safeguard closed his eyes , so that he wasn't .sx But it was not an easy thing to pretend :sx in no time at all he was again .sx Then what about the doctor at last term's medical inspection ?sx He was still wondering about that .sx 'Stand up straight much ?sx ' the doctor asked , and he began tapping his teeth with the tongue-depressor he had in his hand .sx Peter drew himself to attention and said , 'Sir ?sx ' They had to call him that ; it was good manners .sx 'Play about a bit ?sx ' the doctor said .sx He seemed absent-mindedly to be cleaning his teeth with the tongue depressor now ; then he stopped that and looked at his fingernails .sx 'Football practice .sx ' Peter shrugged .sx 'And camp-fires in the woods mostly .sx ' Then he left the room for the next boy , wondering why the matron who was usually helping the doctor had disappeared .sx They were backing out the car .sx He panicked .sx Leaping off the bed he scrabbled through his drawers .sx He must have something in his pocket to show people .sx To talk about .sx He grabbed his bullet .sx Then he saw his hairbrush .sx At school boys hit their chests with hairbrushes to look like measles .sx His hand hovered over the brush .sx His father would see through it though .sx It might start him on one of those speeches about , 'When I was a shy lad , Peter-son .sx ' Then his mother would say , 'You're a very pretty little boy , darling , people love you .sx Be brave , lamb .sx ' He shuddered , feeling weaker than ever , and made a tough , twisted face into the mirror .sx He felt its contours carefully , and determined to keep it there all evening .sx No ; he couldn't because he loved Rosemary .sx Suddenly he knew he had been thinking about the Ding and the scurf in his hair so as not to have to think of her .sx His legs might melt away if he thought about her now .sx They couldn't make him go to the dance though if he suddenly had to walk on his knuckles like the pavement artist outside the National Gallery .sx He thought about Rosemary , but her picture wouldn't come into his mind .sx He watched his legs in their sharp trousers , but they only shook like the cotton sails of a Firefly when the wind veered .sx In the car he said nothing .sx His mother was going on to one of her dotty parties , so she was practicing dotty remarks on him .sx She was practicing smoking cigarettes too , because she only smoked them at parties .sx He had to be casual ; even bored about the dance .sx If his mother knew about Rosemary he would probably have to wear a paper bag over his head for the rest of his life ; if he didn't fall through the floor of the car first and get crushed .sx He thought about that sort of death for a moment or two .sx His fingers moved from pocket to pocket of the stiff new suit until they found the live bullet .sx If he held it against his head and prayed , or scratched the tiny soft pimple of lead , it might go off .sx 'Peter is dead,' his mother would have to say .sx 'If there are spare sausages and things I expect Rosemary will like them cold for lunch tomorrow .sx ' He thought about Rosemary's house .sx It didn't seem to have a real existence in a real place like his flannel in the bathroom , or his bicycle in the shed .sx He wondered how his mother would find it .sx Anyway , she didn't seem to be able to keep a car going in a straight line for very long , as other cars he'd been in managed to do .sx He lurched against the car door , but the bullet didn't go off .sx 'Tipsy taxi,' his mother called happily .sx Peter was thrown forward .sx If he wasn't being pushed about by people he was being bounced around inside cars like a rag doll .sx Everyone else had the power .sx He began to feel limp , exhausted , calmer ; almost to enjoy alternately having his head banged against the windscreen , and his neck dislocated on the back of the seat .sx He was a punch-drunk boxer sticking it out .sx No ; a Christian being thrown to the lions .sx He tried to feel himself dancing with Rosemary .sx Or rather to feel himself stumbling clumsily after her as she led him with movements light as an angel .sx The lurching of the car had dazed his brain .sx Perhaps this year , dancing with her , he would get that strange feeling he got that time when he crashed down on the tiny drip Hunter in the rugger match and somehow just hadn't wanted to get up again , or let go of him , though the whistle was blowing furiously .sx Peter jerked suddenly upright in the car with his face on fire and his hands shaking .sx The shock of the idea raised a lump in his throat like a mole-hill thrown up in an instant of time .sx There did seem to be something alive and scratching there too .sx He was in love with Rosemary .sx It would be dirty to think of hugging her , whilst a kiss .sx . He wanted to go to the lavatory , and laid his hand on his mother's arm .sx She was wrestling with the steering-wheel like Tarzan with the Wolf Girl and didn't notice .sx He forgot all about the lavatory , and instead decided that if there would be any time in his whole life when he could convert a try from the twenty-five yard line it was this very second .sx Of course it would be with the Baby Game rugger ball , not one of the full size ones .sx He was beginning to hear the music of the first Paul Jones in his head now .sx He knew it would leave him facing Rosemary , but that he would immediately seize one of the forty fat ugly girls who stood each side of her .sx Probably he would start to sulk in the middle of the dance and have to pretend to be very interested in the pattern of the wallpaper .sx Perhaps they would think he was an artist .sx The whole thing might be bearable if her mother didn't sit there all the time on the sofa like a queen with silver hair .sx She watched him too .sx And her father could be just like his and say things like , 'Your playing fields flood last term ?sx My youngest lad's did , you know .sx Now do pull yourself together and dance with the girls .sx Come along !sx Want a spot of whisky ?sx Ho !sx Ho !sx Ho !sx ' Peter found that he was out of the car with unfamiliar gravel under his feet .sx His mother wasn't kissing him .sx There was light in a great glass house ; shadows moving with music and laughter .sx Now a brighter rectangle of light appeared in the centre of the confusion and he was stumbling towards the open door .sx Rosemary's mother was holding out her long hand like the branch of a willow tree over the river .sx Her hair couldn't really be thunder-sky blue .sx Peter took the drooping hand , and looked at her just long enough to be polite , and to see if she was really like she always seemed to be in his dream .sx She said something , and then somehow willed him in to the dance room .sx Music and movement was all around him , bumping against the walls .sx He was snatched in to a revolving chain of boys ; not , though , before he had had time to notice that they all had real dinner jackets .sx The music stopped .sx In the inner circle of girls Rosemary was facing him exactly .sx She smiled .sx So he did .sx Then he shifted his feet and looked at the floor .sx Now he was doing it ; taking one of the fat ugly girls on her left .sx He thought he saw Rosemary lift her chin in a funny way .sx But he knew she must like one of the boys on his either side better than him .sx He couldn't just take her like that straight away .sx 'How old are you ?sx ' the fat girl asked .sx 'Thirteen,' said Peter .sx 'You must be one of Rosemary's friends not Jane's then .sx ' The girl was looking at his suit now .sx 'I have a little sister who crashes my parties and asks kids of her own age,' she added .sx 'How old are you ?sx ' Peter asked stiffly .sx The fat girl stared at him ; pulling him around the floor as if he were a sack of something .sx 'You don't ask a girl things like that .sx ' Peter was exasperated .sx 'Well how do you know how old they are ?sx ' 'That is just the point,' the girl said carefully .sx 'It isn't intended that the male should know .sx ' Then she let go of Peter promptly , though the music hadn't stopped .sx The music began again , and he was dragged into the revolving circle of 'males' inside which the smaller circle of girls was spinning in the opposite direction .sx This time Rosemary was nowhere to be seen and an ugly thin girl grabbed him with more haste than was really polite .sx Peter determined to get in first .sx 'Where do you go to school ?sx ' he asked , pretending to be interested and sort of intense the way his mother was at her dotty parties .sx The ugly thin girl told him .sx 'Why's it called a ladies' college ?sx ' he said .sx This time he actually was intrigued .sx 'Are you very- are you grown up , I mean .sx At Cheltenham university ?sx ' The girl just giggled and pressed him nearer to her breasts .sx Peter swallowed twice very quickly .sx Then the music stopped again and he began to think there was something unsatisfactory about a succession of brief relationships that were imposed and dissolved wholly at the discretion of a loud gramophone record .sx He caught a glimpse of Rosemary and at once fell into a trance .sx It occurred to him that now he had seen her the vision might be made to last another year , and so there was no reason why he should stay at the dance any longer .sx