Through a mist of tears she went on smiling- the most wonderful smile I'd ever seen .sx She whispered , " Oh , my dear , my dear .sx . " Then she offered me her mouth in complete surrender .sx Maybe she thought she could trust me .sx Maybe she didn't care .sx As always , I had to fight the temptation to take what she willingly offered .sx And it was a lost battle from the start .sx When she murmured against my lips , " Hold me tight .sx . don't ever leave me .sx . " I could fight no longer .sx Her body was soft and yielding , her tender hands drew me down into forgetfulness .sx Soon she quickened under my caresses as though the touch of my hands brought to life something that had lain dormant with her until this moment .sx When I unfastened her coat , she shrugged it off with fierce impatience and then her lips sought mine again .sx All around us people slept .sx Outside in the windy darkness snow blanketed the sound of distant traffic .sx Our world belonged to Sonia and me- a world created for us alone out of suffering and loneliness and heartbreak .sx Dimly I wondered if this night would spoil all the other nights yet to come .sx She wasn't just another woman .sx We'd get married .sx . and have kids .sx . and live like other folks .sx A voice in my head began whining :sx " .sx .You're trying to reassure yourself because you know all this has happened before .sx What kind of mother will she make , anyway ?sx She's told you herself what she used to be .sx . " I called myself a louse .sx Swell husband I'd make !sx She trusted me no matter what I'd been .sx . and I was eaten up with hatred for all the other men she'd given herself to .sx Maybe to her I was no different .sx . But to-night was mine .sx To-night would wipe the slate clean .sx To-morrow , Sonia and I would be just two people who'd met and fallen in love .sx I reached out and switched off the light .sx Then I picked her up and carried her into the bedroom .sx Her skin was smooth and cool as velvet , her hunger as great as mine .sx With a little crooning sound in her throat she drew me close to her .sx Once , she roused and asked in a sleepy whisper , " Do you love me- really love me ?sx " I said , " Sure , honey .sx Sure I love you .sx " I meant it , too .sx But another man lay on the bed beside us .sx I could hear his sneering laughter as her arms carried me off through the fire of oblivion .sx I can hear it yet .sx Picking up a cab wasn't easy .sx But we got one at last .sx She kissed me good night before she climbed in- a kiss that was just the barest touch of her lips .sx Her eyes were like stars .sx I've never known anyone quite as beautiful as Sonia Rakosi .sx When the cab was out of sight in the swirling snow I walked back to my rooming house and went upstairs with my head filled with conflicting thoughts .sx Maybe I was too old to fall in love .sx Maybe that was why I had a pain in my mind that wouldn't let me decide whether I was happy or sad .sx As I opened the door I could smell her perfume .sx In the bedroom there was the scent of the powder she'd used when I left her alone to make up her face and tidy her hair .sx Thinking only made me more confused .sx So I had a small drink and then I plugged in the coffee percolator .sx While it was warming up I began remaking the bed .sx Bitter-sweet thoughts kept me company .sx Behind them loomed a shadowy picture of Jakob Kadar , his lumpy face dark with suspicion .sx Everything pointed to him .sx Someone in the organisation was a traitor .sx That fitted the circumstances better than the idea that Zuck had been followed the day he ordered a music-box from a store on Fifth Avenue .sx There was nothing against the theory that he had been followed , but it had been done by somebody who knew his normal daily routine , somebody who'd only been waiting for the right moment .sx If it had not been the music-box , it would've been something else .sx Kadar had had the opportunity .sx Kadar was the one member who'd left the meeting just before ten o'clock .sx Yet .sx . he could've had no hand in the switching of the valises .sx That was the last thing he'd have wanted to happen .sx So it had been chance that saved the organisation .sx If Rickie Oppenheimer hadn't picked up the wrong valise .sx . But Rickie shouldn't have been carrying a brief-case that morning .sx Every other time he'd left it in the office at the Blue Bottle Club .sx Monday night he'd broken a long-standing habit .sx When he'd got no reply at Schultz's apartment he'd gone away .sx Some time between then and eight-thirty next morning he'd disposed of twenty thousand dollars .sx The question was- how ?sx Zuck hadn't been lying .sx There had been no money in the substitute valise .sx Which meant that Rickie had given it to someone .sx And he'd seen only one person that night so far as I knew- Paula .sx But why give it to her ?sx I'd finished making the bed by then .sx As I pushed it back against the wall I heard something drop on the floor .sx That was when the percolator in the living-room started making bubbling noises .sx There was nothing on the floor that I could see .sx I told myself it must've fallen down between the bed and the wall .sx .sx .Wasn't urgent anyway .sx Maybe my cigarette-case .sx . or Sonia's powder compact .sx . I'd look for it later .sx So I got up from my hands and knees , went into the living-room and fixed myself a cup of coffee .sx While I was drinking it I wondered what Peter Rakosi would say when I told him I wanted to marry his daughter .sx Did he know the life she'd lived in Budapest- or was I the only person in whom she'd ever confided ?sx What difference did it make ?sx She wasn't that kind of a woman , now .sx The past was dead .sx Why did I have to go on tormenting myself ?sx If only I could learn to accept , it would be easy .sx . There I had a new thought that drove everything else from my mind .sx It couldn't have been my cigarette-case that had fallen on the floor .sx I had it in my pocket .sx And Sonia had used her powder compact just before she left .sx I remembered seeing her open it and glance in the mirror for a moment or two before we went out .sx On stiff , unwilling legs I walked back into the bedroom and got down again on my hands and knees .sx By the light of a match I saw the thing that had fallen under the bed .sx It was a small metal box , maybe six inches by four and an inch and a half deep- the kind of box that a well-known maker used for packaging pipe tobacco .sx They advertised it on television and in all the glossy magazines .sx Every muscle in my body froze so that I couldn't move .sx I'd never had a box like that :sx I wasn't a pipe smoker .sx Neither was anyone who'd visited with me in weeks .sx And it hadn't been in or on my bed that morning .sx Sheer blind terror held me rigid as if I'd been stricken with paralysis .sx All I could think of was a newspaper report .sx " .sx .One arm blown off .sx . his head and the whole of the upper part of his body a shambles .sx . he had no face .sx . " The same kind of death had been planned for me .sx Any moment that innocent-looking tobacco box was due to go off .sx Even as I stared at it with my skin crawling it was counting off my last moments .sx Judging from the spot where it lay it had been planted between the underside of the mattress and one of the cross-supports .sx If I hadn't re-made the bed .sx . if Sonia and I hadn't made love .sx . Sonia .sx Nothing else accounted for the presence of that hellish box .sx I'd left her alone in the bedroom when we awoke from the brief sleep of exhaustion .sx .sx .She'd given herself to me .sx . then she'd asked me to leave her so that she could dress and fix her hair .sx While I was in the living-room she'd had time to plant the booby-trap .sx . That's how it had to be .sx Behind all the kissing and caressing she'd been planning my death .sx I'd become a menace that had to be removed .sx So she had appointed herself my executioner .sx Then the match went out .sx I could still see the small metal box under the bed .sx If I'd had the power of movement I could've reached out and touched it .sx But I'd lost the will to do anything but kneel there and sweat , my bones like rubber , my wits gyrating like a carousel inside my head .sx .sx .If I got up and ran people would be burned to death in their sleep when the thing went off .sx . The old building would blaze like tinder .sx Maybe I'd have time to rouse everybody and get them out before it was too late .sx . but not if they put up an argument , not if they refused to believe me and demanded explanations .sx . How long would it be before the bomb detonated ?sx My watch said the time was a few minutes off midnight .sx Whoever had set the fuse would have had to allow for the possibility that I might come home late .sx So much depended on how long Sonia Rakosi had waited for me to return .sx She hadn't been in any hurry to leave .sx So there must've been an ample time allowance .sx Probably it was meant to explode at three or four o'clock in the morning when they could be sure I was in bed and asleep .sx But there was always the chance that I was wrong .sx Any way I looked at it I had to take that chance .sx With sweat on my hands I groped under the bed and took hold of the metal box .sx Slowly and stiffly I stood up and walked into the living-room .sx I've never been so scared in all my life .sx Putting on my coat meant transferring the box from one hand to the other .sx I wondered stupidly what would happen if I dropped it .sx Maybe nothing .sx Maybe it didn't matter .sx If I'd miscalculated nothing mattered .sx I left the light on and went out and down the stairs , the box held in both hands .sx Outside it was blowing a blizzard .sx I had to watch where I put my feet in case I fell .sx I had to force myself to think .sx The one thing I knew with absolute certainty was that I had to keep going .sx The streets were empty .sx Snow blanketed everything beyond a few yards ahead .sx With the metal box hugged against my chest I went on .sx My hands became numbed with cold and I had only a vague idea where I was .sx Somewhere a clock struck the hour .sx By then I was in a daze .sx Time no longer counted , time existed only inside the thing I carried .sx Above the noise of the wind I thought I could hear the ticking of a clock .sx It grew louder and louder with every step I took .sx CHAPTER =12 .sx EVEN NOW I don't know where I thought I was going or what I meant to do when I got there .sx All I remember is walking on and on , seeking a place where I could rid myself of the metal box- a place that I knew only too well I might never reach .sx To leave the time bomb lying in the street was one thing I couldn't do .sx It had been created for me .sx No one else must die because I'd been a fool .sx No innocent passer-by must pay the price of my stupidity .sx So I walked on in my own private hell , listening to the ticking noise that I knew was inside my head , cringing in my stomach from the holocaust that the metal box might unleash at any moment .sx