Sam looked away and Willie thought , he's got you , Sam , you're afraid .sx You're not a Socialist now .sx 'You see,' Parnell said .sx 'It shows the power of a newspaper which has strong beliefs and acts on them and perseveres .sx ' He waved a sheaf of letters .sx 'Congratulations pouring in .sx ' 'So what ?sx ' Willie said .sx 'You've proved the power of dirty propaganda .sx That's been done before .sx ' Parnell came around the desk and embraced his shoulders .sx 'Willie , when will you realize ?sx Every newspaper makes propaganda .sx You know what Beaverbrook told the Royal Commission .sx He owns his newspapers for no other purpose .sx It may be propaganda for the left or right , it may be for the middle way .sx But it's all propaganda and with good reason .sx ' His white hand tightened on Willie's shoulder .sx 'What you'd have is a sheet which tells the truth , the whole truth and nothing but the truth .sx But what is the truth , Willie ?sx I don't know .sx I only know what I think is true .sx I act on it and try to show others , like the politician on his platform and the parson in his pulpit .sx You must allow me that , Willie- the freedom of holding an opinion and expressing it with every force at my command .sx ' Very plausible , Willie thought , except for one thing .sx You hold the opinion , then make others express it .sx You don't allow them the freedom which you claim as a right .sx 'I know you're a Socialist , Willie .sx With your background you have to be .sx You've never got 1926 out of your memory .sx But you mustn't take it so hard .sx You should learn to lose more gracefully .sx ' Willie looked at the white hand , then at Parnell .sx He kept his gaze steady until the hand fell away .sx Then he said :sx 'It's not the victory , it's the means .sx You've done your bit towards making journalism a shameful thing .sx ' He turned slowly and went out .sx Miss Simpson raised a hand to him , slightly and secretively , because he was her favourite .sx As he raised his hand in mild answer , his thoughts said , something happened in there just now .sx We moved another step nearer the inevitable , the show-down .sx Parnell on one side , me on the other , and no compromise in between .sx He went up the stairs to Joe's room .sx The News Editor was cleaning his pipe ; pushing the white cleaner in one end and waiting for it to come out brown at the other .sx 'Have you seen the letters ?sx ' Joe said .sx 'All the congratulations ?sx ' Willie went to the window , looking out at nothing .sx 'I could puke .sx ' 'You don't want to take it personal , Willie .sx You and me and the rest of us .sx We do what we're told .sx We don't make the policy .sx ' 'That's no answer .sx No excuse .sx ' Joe dropped the cleaner into the waste-basket .sx He replaced the stem in the bowl , twisting it another squeak so that the mouthpiece became comfortable to his teeth .sx He took out his tobacco-pouch and filled the bowl , fingering down a shred which curled over the edge .sx Then he tapped his pockets for matches .sx 'It doesn't matter , Willie,' he said , finding them .sx 'It isn't worth the trouble .sx ' Willie did not answer .sx He knew that in this room it wasn't worth the trouble ; that nothing mattered except Joe's do-nothing , say-nothing , be-nothing .sx He knew that if he stayed long enough , here in this room which this man had made , he would do nothing , say nothing .sx He went out to the corridor and along it to his room .sx In the reporters' room Ritchie's voice was plain :sx 'On some newspapers there'd be champagne to celebrate .sx ' Through the opened door of another room he saw the sub-editors , crouched over their copy like cold hens on a perch .sx Willie opened the door which said 'Mr Whittaker' and slumped into his chair ; biting his thumb , his thoughts boiling with anger and disgust and humiliation .sx He reached for the telephone and half a minute later her voice was there .sx 'Helen , will you eat with me , drink with me .sx . somewhere .sx . anywhere ?sx ' He imagined her surprise .sx She said :sx 'Why , yes , Willie , of course .sx ' 'We could go out in the country somewhere .sx One of those places where we used to go .sx Before,' he hesitated and added , 'before the war .sx ' 'That would be nice .sx ' He knew she was perplexed by the peremptory invitation , by his sudden need of her .sx He said :sx 'I want a drink , a good long drink .sx I've a bad taste in my mouth .sx ' That was the beginning .sx CHAPTER NINETEEN .sx No , not the beginning , Willie thought .sx Our beginning is years ago , when I thought my tie was a propeller and you were on the outside , always looking in .sx Since then it's been there , like a star in the night .sx They lay in the green shade beneath trees , where the river ran away with the sunshine and the leaves went up and down , like the sleeping breath .sx He told her about Slack Lane and his boots and Blonkin ; of the great , wagging head and the yellow teeth and the watchful cruelty .sx But that was not all about Blonkin .sx There was more to him than hooligan boots .sx 'During the war,' Willie said , 'Blonkin was a prisoner of the Japanese and they thought he knew something , so they filled him with water and held him upside down and hit him with rifle-butts while the water fell out .sx At ten o'clock each day they hit him , and at half past nine each day he was mad with waiting .sx Of course he didn't know what they wanted him to tell , and though he tried to guess what they wanted and told them all of it , his poor mind wasn't clever enough to guess what they wanted , so they clubbed him again for trying to deceive them .sx Now Blonkin is back in Slack Lane , living on medical certificates because of what the Japs did to him , and other men say there he goes , always boozing , living free and doing nothing .sx See what happens when there's a Welfare State .sx ' He told her of Creedy ; tall and pale and intense , for ever dependent on his wife who knew about his studs and socks and what he had done with the tickets .sx 'I used to hate Creedy , when I was twelve and he forced me to learn more than I believed I could learn .sx I used to lie awake planning how to kill him , how I would kill him when I was a man and big enough .sx All my love was for his wife .sx She was my first love and when she smiled at him I was jealous , and when he bullied her I changed the gun to a knife because it would last longer .sx But now I see what he tried to do and what it cost him .sx Now I'm grateful for all he tried to do and ashamed of the boy who gave him nothing in return , not even thanks .sx He wrote me long letters during the war , clever letters but excited , too , excited not about the war but about what would happen afterwards .sx In Greece , the Balkans , in Arabia and Egypt and Africa , in India and Burma and Malaya .sx He was always looking ahead to what the war meant to those countries and what freedom would mean to them .sx ' Helen murmured :sx 'Is he a Communist ?sx ' and Willie smiled as he shook his head .sx 'Everybody these days has to be something .sx Conservative , Socialist , Communist , as though you must belong to some party to have any opinion worth calling an opinion .sx But Creedy doesn't belong to any opinion .sx He's an individual .sx He thinks for himself .sx Sometimes he sounds like a Communist .sx Sometimes like St Francis .sx Sometimes like a boy lost in the dark .sx But to me he'll always be what he was all those years ago .sx A sincere man , for ever crusading , if not against ignorance , then for a boy from Slack Lane who sat in the back row and made raspberry noises .sx I know now what I didn't realize then , that without Creedy I'd have been in Slack Lane for ever , doing nothing and learning to know that it was nothing .sx Dying by eight-hour stints .sx ' Then he told her of Aunt Nance and the dream ; a white cottage in the country with the wood-smoke pottering from the chimney and the delphiniums blue .sx She asked questions about this cottage , probing him , so that he told her about the logs of wood , criss-crossed in the hearth , about the kettle-holder on its hook and the red curtains and the low beam at the bottom of the stairs .sx He could not understand her interest in this cottage , for , of course , there was no such cottage and could never be ; it was just the creation of a dream .sx He did not ask why she probed for details .sx It was enough just to talk .sx They began to go everywhere , so that people learned to say :sx 'Hello , Willie , hello , Helen , nice to see you , Helen .sx ' He loved to hear them linking their names in this way .sx The link was a form of marriage .sx At the races they said it .sx Harry Carr said :sx 'Hello , Willie,' then touched his cap for Helen .sx At the theatre they said it .sx Charlie Chester welcomed them to his dressing-room- 'Only milk,' Charlie said , 'I'm drinking milk'- then pulled up a chair for Helen .sx At the City ground they said it .sx Stanley Matthews said :sx 'Always nice to see you , Willie,' then gave his shy nod and smile to Helen .sx Willie was grateful to the big names ; to Colin Cowdrey and Jack Hawkins and Ted Ray .sx They could see how much it meant to him .sx And when there were parties to celebrate a new play , new book , new hit-song , new exhibition , Helen was there to help him through , although he'd always said he despised parties ; you paid too high a price for the free drink .sx He said :sx 'It's all right as long as I look across the room and see you , Helen .sx Never mind the crap talk , the scratch-my-back talk , the men pretending to be women and the women wishing they were men .sx As soon as I see you and know you're still there , then it's all right , Helen .sx ' They never mentioned Parnell , but he seemed to be there ; in the back seat , his forearms on their seats , watching with amusement , because the more they shared the more vulnerable they became .sx Once Helen said :sx 'We're not married , not really married,' and slowly , reluctantly , disjointedly it came out .sx How it had begun by Parnell sleeping in the dressing-room , because he came home so late and did not wish to disturb her .sx Then he had put aside pretence and slept in another room , making it plain to the girl who could not understand .sx 'That was 1939,' Helen said , 'the year of the war .sx ' His glance was shocked and the car swerved .sx That's a long time , the glance said .sx Helen's smile still showed the hurt .sx 'It took me a long time to realize that he didn't find me attractive any more .sx I made excuses .sx Hundreds of excuses .sx I pretended not to know about the other women .sx Then there was the war and the evacuees , such beautiful children , and my letters to you and yours to me and in the end there was this , Willie , what we have now .sx You and me .sx ' 'You could divorce him .sx ' He knew at once that she would not .sx 'Before she died Mummy wanted me to divorce him .sx She'd learned to hate , she who was always so gentle , she'd learned to hate and cared about nothing except that hate .sx Not the scandal , not the gossip , nor the harm it would do to the newspaper .sx But I can't .sx The Herald means too much for that .sx ' He drove with sudden anger , glancing at the speedometer , then boosting it higher .sx It flickered around seventy and she glanced in alarm .sx He saw the alarm and let the rage go out of him .sx The needle flickered down to sixty , to fifty , and the old car relaxed like a horse when the race is done .sx 'Careful , Willie , or we'll never get there .sx '