Why you took the case , when you never touch anything of the sort .sx ' For a second his grim , menacing anger frightened her as he half shouted :sx 'Are you trying to suggest that I was her lover ?sx Responsible for-' He stopped .sx Conflict tortured him .sx Here was his supreme revenge :sx to tell her the truth ; shatter her faith in Philip .sx . Beryl was dead .sx . He shivered .sx Taking with her the only proof he had to discount this accusation .sx Sandra prayed , despite her vituperation , that he would have some defence , give her some denial , but all he said was :sx 'If you believe me capable of that , we have nothing more to say to each other- nothing .sx ' The hurt in him was like a wound- stinging , aching .sx Was this Philip's work ?sx And even if it were , it came back to one man's word against another and .sx . she loved Philip .sx Until then the exactitudes of his profession had demanded his silence , and now he was absolved from that promise , he found himself bound by his own love for her , his desire for her happiness .sx Far better that she should believe him to be a cad than the man she was going to marry and obviously loved so deeply .sx He doubted that Philip would betray her after all that had happened .sx Fear would be a deterrent .sx Sandra flung her arms out in a gesture of despair .sx 'Do you leave me anything else to believe ?sx Or is your silence the cowardly way out ?sx ' She hated the words , but they leapt from the torment of loving him ; from the tension , the weariness that made even breathing an effort .sx 'Is this what has been in your mind all the time ?sx ' He spoke with greater passion .sx 'Was this why you wanted to leave the job just before Philip was taken ill ?sx ' His mouth hardened , his eyes became steely .sx 'I see .sx ' Scorn lashed his words .sx 'I wonder you dared trust him to my care .sx ' 'Nicholas-' 'Well !sx At least I know the truth .sx Truth !sx ' His gaze held hers masterfully .sx 'You wanted it so badly- at any price .sx I hope you are satisfied .sx ' And as he spoke , the thought of Philip lying in the other room filled him with a revulsion that was homicidal .sx Even in that , his hands were tied .sx He dare not precipitate what might well be another coronary .sx And in that second he put back his professional mantle , and said with such icy politeness , such withdrawn bitterness , that Sandra withered before it :sx 'I will leave you the necessary prescription for the sedatives .sx You will contact your new doctor when you reach your parents' house .sx ' She watched him flick his fountain-pen from his waistcoat pocket , take out his prescription pad , and scribble on it .sx Then , with a gesture she knew so well , he tore off the leaflet and handed it to her .sx 'Good-bye , Sandra,' he said with a deadly finality .sx Watching him go , unable to speak , she felt that part of her was leaving with him .sx She couldn't hate him .sx . If only he would have confided in her , given some explanation .sx Now there was nothing- not even friendship .sx She went back to Philip .sx But all she could hear were Nicholas's words :sx 'I love you- oh , you know that well enough .sx ' Love .sx She revolted against the word .sx Nicholas , Philip .sx . where was happiness , or peace of mind ?sx Philip put out a hand and grasped hers .sx He needed her .sx She would find solace in that fact at least .sx And she hadn't to doubt his sincerity any more .sx . She had her truth .sx How much had built up from that first ideal , and how little joy , or satisfaction , it had given her .sx 'I'm sorry , darling .sx ' He looked nervous .sx It had been hell lying there , knowing she was talking to Nicholas and wondering what they were saying .sx Sandra said instinctively :sx 'I told him I knew he was responsible for Beryl's death .sx ' She rushed on :sx 'His attitude .sx . I don't know- something snapped .sx I couldn't stand it .sx . Why do you look at me like that ?sx ' 'I asked you not to mention it .sx ' Philip felt that he was running a high temperature as fear swirled back .sx What had Nicholas said ?sx 'I would never have done so while Beryl was alive .sx He hadn't any answer- except to suggest that if I believed him capable of that-' Her eyes darkened in torment .sx 'Are you sure that she was telling the truth ?sx ' 'Good heavens , darling , why on earth should she lie ?sx Besides , it wasn't just her word .sx There was enough evidence , no matter how one might want to disbelieve the facts .sx ' Elation touched him after the cold wind of suspense .sx 'It will be interesting to see what comes out at the inquest .sx What his story will be .sx I reckon he'll confine himself to the nervous origin of her recent illness .sx His notes will be truthful , but what he leaves out will matter most .sx ' Strange how just then Philip was so certain that Nicholas would never betray him .sx He loved Sandra too deeply to ruin her future happiness .sx Had ever circumstances conspired so cunningly ?sx Philip's spirits soared .sx He was better ; he had made a miraculous recovery and Sandra would soon be his wife .sx The Devil , he thought , certainly looked after his own .sx Something in Sandra's attitude struck him suddenly , making him say :sx 'You can't forgive him for this- can you ?sx ' 'Forgive is an unctuous , patronizing word,' she replied .sx 'I despise the deceit .sx The lies .sx ' Philip couldn't keep the words back .sx 'Suppose you had loved him and all this came out .sx What then ?sx ' Suppose you had loved him .sx . Sandra realized with a bitter futility that now it was her silence that was the lie .sx And Nicholas's words re-echoed mockingly :sx 'No human being could live with absolute truth .sx ' 'I couldn't live without faith , Philip .sx Or with pretence .sx ' She shivered .sx She was going to pretend for the rest of her life .sx Pretend to be in love with Philip even though she knew she would try never to utter those words .sx How honourable was that ?sx She looked at him , and his need of her , his dependence upon her , created a climate where self-delusion masqueraded as the right thing to do .sx How easy it would have been to cling to Nicholas , tell him that she could hardly bear life without him , no matter what he had done to make her despise him .sx . But to walk out on Philip , break her promise and end their relationship , for no better reason than what appeared as innate self-preservation .sx That was impossible .sx He had been honest with her and didn't deserve to be let down .sx She said suddenly , irrelevantly :sx 'Beryl's life recently- the whole thing- was very strange when you think of it .sx ' 'How ?sx ' Philip looked startled .sx 'Would she have married Nicholas in any case , since she loved you ?sx ' Philip felt a stab of jealousy .sx 'Are you trying to make his case good ?sx ' 'No ; to be fair .sx He seemed so amazed when I suggested marriage to her .sx I've only thought of your illness lately- never studied all this beyond the angle of Beryl's unhappiness and Nicholas being involved .sx I didn't tell you , but she called here two days ago .sx ' 'What ?sx ' Philip felt that he had been swirled down a bumpy lift .sx 'But- why ?sx ' He hastened .sx 'Why should she call ?sx ' 'Oh , just to thank me and to inquire about you .sx Looking back , her attitude was strange .sx She seemed afraid-' 'Of Nicholas,' Philip said insinuatingly .sx Sandra couldn't deny that , and the more she dwelt on it all , the more curious it became .sx 'She spoke about wondering if she ought to tell me-' Sandra began to shiver .sx Philip managed to keep his voice steady .sx 'I can imagine Nicholas putting the fear of God into her .sx The last person he would want told was you .sx ' It added up , and Sandra nodded .sx 'But it is still like looking at a picture in shadow .sx ' 'I told you that- soon after the cottage episode .sx What was she keeping back .sx . We certainly shall not discover now .sx One thing I am convinced about .sx Her death links up with her miscarriage .sx She told me once he was determined she should not go through with the pregnancy .sx ' Sandra gave a pained cry .sx 'Darling , I hinted that , too , you remember .sx I didn't want to sound too dramatic , or- well-' 'I know .sx ' She felt very sick as she sat there , desolate .sx It was all so ugly .sx Philip wanted to settle the problem- leave no loopholes .sx 'She lost either way , really .sx He wouldn't marry her , and he dare not risk the threat of the child .sx Obviously it would have been a handicap to her , too , and in her saner moments she must have been thankful to get out of the mess .sx . But she was neurotic .sx It's my guess that the cottage episode was the beginning of the end for her .sx ' Sandra pressed the point .sx 'Meaning that Nicholas deliberately got rid of the child ?sx ' Philip was far too deep in the lies to retreat from that direct question .sx 'Yes .sx Her fear of him was pretty obvious .sx He had to take care of her professionally , but he certainly didn't want you to know the facts .sx She probably did .sx Beryl was a lonely person and had very few friends .sx ' Sandra nodded .sx 'Let's not talk of it again,' she said dully .sx 'I can't bear it .sx . Everything's ready .sx ' She looked around her .sx Part of her life was ending ; a part she had loved .sx Leaving the flat and staying at Monk's Toft would be an ordeal , despite the rest from perpetual work .sx Philip relaxed again .sx Now there was only the inquest , and he had nothing whatsoever to fear from that .sx It was far too late for Nicholas to make any accusations .sx EIGHTEEN .sx THE inquest offered no surprise .sx Nicholas's evidence conformed strictly to the law and ethics .sx Miss Graham had been in his care .sx She had been in a highly nervous state .sx A verdict of suicide while the balance of her mind was disturbed , was returned .sx Philip put down the evening newspaper , looked at Gordon Neal , and said :sx 'Very sad .sx Nicholas's testimony said everything and nothing .sx One never knows the truth of these cases .sx ' Sandra didn't speak .sx She felt that some part of her had petrified , leaving only a shell .sx She lived mechanically , and while physically rested , even as the days became a week and then two , she found it impossible to overcome the desolation building up around her .sx Philip was amazingly better and already busy on a new play .sx He worked in bed , using a portable typewriter , and was completely absorbed in his task .sx Sandra was there- to attend to all his needs .sx His world was whole again and he , to himself , its hub .sx With illness had come an intense instinct for self-preservation , a concentration upon his desires .sx What was good for him ; what was not .sx Not overdoing it .sx The doctor recommended by Nicholas called each week and then suggested that no further calls were necessary .sx Philip felt like the child no longer centre stage .sx It was Beatrice who said one evening after dinner , 'Hadn't we better make some plans for the wedding ?sx Quiet , of course .sx ' Philip smiled smugly .sx 'They are made .sx I've a special licence and notification has been given to the vicar .sx The best of having a secretary,' he added , talking of one he had acquired since leaving London .sx 'Brandon's good .sx It only needs Sandra to name the day .sx ' Gordon said curtly , 'It is usual for the bride's parents to have some hand in all this , you know , Philip .sx ' Philip bristled .sx 'It was never our intention to have one of those carnival affairs,' he retorted and in that second , he became the man of success exerting authority .sx Sandra watched her father's face pale .sx Philip , she knew , got on his nerves , but everything had gone over her head .sx It didn't really matter what was being said because she was no longer a part of it .sx The thought of Nicholas haunted her , the sense of loss crucifying .sx Her father's comment roused her as he said , 'I was not talking of a carnival .sx But I presume we shall be allowed to have one or two of our friends at the ceremony .sx '