Jones , it need hardly be said , stopped that off at once .sx The days have gone when foreigners copied the British .sx With Jones in power , the British are encouraged to copy the foreigner .sx The foreign-made muck , which British quality goods were supposed to be pushing out of the market , is now being pushed out of the market by British-made muck .sx Jones does not believe in quality .sx He believes in low prices .sx He is not interested in the old slogan , " British is " .sx He is interested in the new slogan , " Jones is " , and the fact that Jones is British will , he believes , reflect prestige upon Britain .sx He is not interested in goods that last a lifetime , a tradition started by snobbish manufacturers who wanted their children and their children's children to reap the benefit of their impeccable trading probity .sx Jones wishes to reap the benefit himself , in his own lifetime , and let his brats and brats' brats fend for themselves .sx To this end , he is interested in goods that do not last a lifetime , but which require large replacement orders to be made every five years .sx Foreign contacts .sx When Jones goes abroad , he does not go as a member of any group , delegation or coach-party .sx He goes alone .sx Jones goes alone , secure in the knowledge that wherever he goes , his arrival will not go unannounced or his stay unnoticed .sx At the hotel , in a capital that he has never visited in his life before , he will meet an old American friend whom he last met in Paris , God , it must be years ago , and soon that old American friend is introducing him to the local Joneses right , left and centre .sx At Harry's Bar , in any foreign city , it turns out that the particular Harry of the joint used to be the barman of a little club in London that Jones used to use in the days when Joneses still used little clubs , and this same Harry gives him the lowdown on where the native Joneses are currently eating and drinking .sx At the American Express , which is a very Jones place in which to cash your travellers' cheques , Jones just happens to run into an old army pal who has now got this amusing job of showing the yobbos around the night-clubs .sx The old army pal takes Jones to a number of night-clubs , most of them specialising in one sexual eccentricity or another , to which the yobbos would not be admitted , whether with or without paper hats .sx From the fact that Jones never fails to meet contacts such as these on his foreign travels , it is obvious that there must be an International Jones Organisation ( Interjones ) , whose agents disguise themselves as barmen , old army pals and roving Americans .sx However Interjones may be organised , it is certainly a powerful and influential body .sx Thanks to Interjones , it is now possible for Jones to travel throughout the world without losing any of his status , modifying his standard of living , or , out of sheer loneliness , being compelled to sit in the reading-room of the British Embassy doing the crossword in the air-mail edition of The Times .sx Thanks to Interjones , it is possible to cross the Equator either way without leaving air-conditioning behind .sx Chains of new hotels , indistinguishable from one another , have sprung up in the capitals of the world , and- without actually being called the Jones-Plaza or the Jones-Carlton- they are Jones all right , because look at the showers , look at the swimming-pool , look at the arcade of shops , look at the express elevators , look at the six or seven restaurants , one of them on the roof from which it is possible to get a panoramic view of London , Beirut , Madrid , Bonn , New Delhi or Copenhagen , as the case may be .sx Thanks to Interjones , Jones in any foreign city can hire a car , use a credit card , send a transfer-charge cable , or get a ringside seat for the student riot in the course of which the British Council building is burned to the ground .sx Thanks to Interjones , Jones can now travel from airport to airport , from hotel to hotel , from Harry's Bar to Harry's Bar , without ever setting foot outside the Jones country .sx Jones ideas are now so firmly established abroad that as primitive states develop , it is not the Old Country on which they model themselves , but the New Jones .sx In Africa , Jones hotels spring up even as the Prime Minister elect is being let out of prison .sx In the Middle East , oil royalties are turned into Jones amenities , such as ice , big cars , and night-clubs that would not be out of place on Miami Beach .sx In Brazil , an entirely new capital has been hacked out of the jungle as a living monument to Jones and all he stands for .sx Foreign visitors .sx Interjones naturally works on a reciprocal basis , and when Monsieur Jones , Herr Jones , Signor Jones , Jones Pasha or Don Jones arrive at the Westbury , whom should they meet in the lobby but Jones , only this minute back in London himself .sx In this context it is worth noting that , although Interjones maintains branches in all countries , some nations do not appear to be signatories to the Interjones Treaty .sx There are nations which are exclusively Robinson nations , such as the Dutch , the Bulgarians , and the Burmese .sx The French are essentially a Jones nation , but like to be governed by Robinsons .sx The Germans are essentially a Robinson nation , but like to be governed by Joneses .sx The Italians are Jones when abroad , but Robinson when at home .sx The Swedes are the Jones-nation among the Scandinavians , and the Norwegians are the Robinsons .sx England , which bred the first Joneses , is Jones .sx Wales , from which the Joneses took their name , is Robinson .sx Southern Ireland is Jones .sx Northern Ireland is Robinson .sx Scotland is Jones to come south from , but Robinson to remain in .sx The Isle of Wight is a compound of Robinsons .sx Extremely small countries , such as Luxembourg , Liechtenstein , San Marino , etc. , are Robinson to be born in , but Jones to be a foreign resident of .sx ( This applies particularly to the Channel Islands .sx ) The Russians are ideologically Robinson , but throw up Jones-deviates from time to time .sx All Iron Curtain countries , except Czechoslovakia , are statutorily Robinson .sx Iceland is not only Robinson to be born in , Robinson to live in , Robinson even to have correspondence with , it is also the only country outside the tourist belt that it is Robinson , and not Jones , to visit .sx Spain is unique , inasmuch as there it is Jones to be a monarchist , the reason being is that Jones is always on the side of the future .sx Portugal is entirely Robinson .sx Switzerland is Robinson to visit , but Jones to bank with .sx Egypt is Robinson , but is studying to be Jones .sx India fought to become Jones , but did not succeed .sx South Africa is fighting to remain Robinson .sx Australia revels in being Robinson .sx By a trick of light , Canada is Jones when seen from London , but Robinson when seen from the United States .sx Within the United States , it is Robinson to appear like a Jones .sx In Latin America , Jones and Robinson live in a constant state of revolt against each other ; it is always possible to know when Jones is revolting against Robinson , because then we hear about trams being overturned , and Jones detests trams .sx China , with superhuman effort and against all odds , remains Robinson .sx Japan , despite all those paper flowers that blossom in a jam-jar is becoming Jones .sx The North Pole is Jones .sx The South Pole is Robinson .sx CHAPTER FIVE .sx TO JONES ACCORDING TO HIS NEEDS .sx THE political pundits , the literary weeklies , the more telegenic Members of Parliament , the leader-writers and the public-opinion polls- to say nothing of various summer schools , conferences , congresses and other centres of political group-therapy- have devoted some attention to the question of who will rule Britain in the future .sx Jones may occasionally join in these discussions if the beer is good .sx But for him there is no question to be argued .sx Jones will rule Britain in the future .sx Whether Labour or Conservative , the next Government- or it may be the next but one- will be a Government of Joneses .sx What are the facts behind this political reshuffle ?sx There is only one fact , and that is that Jones feels unable to lend his allegiance to any one political party .sx Tory Jones likes the idea of free enterprise , but can't stand the idea of class privilege .sx Labour Jones likes the idea of equality , but can't stand the idea of regimentation .sx The Labour Party , as we know , is in decline .sx What we may not know is that the Tory Party is also in decline .sx The Jones Party is slowly emerging , composed of the Jones-elements from both these declining bodies .sx Already Jones has established his position in both camps .sx There are Labour Joneses and there are Tory Joneses in power today .sx ( There are no Liberal or Communist Joneses , since Jones is not interested in causes but in politics .sx ) The Labour Joneses write for Tory papers .sx The Tory Joneses write for Socialist papers .sx The two Joneses , Labour and Tory , appear on the same television programmes and unite against trade union Robinsons from the Left Wing and backwoods Robinsons from the Right Wing .sx Between them , Labour Jones and Tory Jones are forging a new policy .sx And that policy will be the Jones Policy for Britain .sx Why you should vote for Jones .sx At present , Robinson has a clear majority in the House of Commons .sx Robinson M.P.s go about on buses , hold dreary clinics in their constituencies , ask dreary questions about peat , and go on dreary fact-finding missions to dreary countries on either side of the Iron Curtain .sx What , in contrast to this , has Jones got to offer ?sx Why will Jones make a better Member of Parliament than Robinson ?sx ( a ) Jones does not waste time on dreary routine .sx Everything he touches he makes exciting , and he is able to create enthusiasm , which helps the electorate no end .sx ( b ) Jones is in touch .sx Where other politicians have to consult polls , statistics , graphs , fortune-tellers , to find out what people think , Jones trusts his instinct and is always right .sx ( c ) Jones lives in the present .sx He will cheerfully agree that his party has a shocking record , for his party's past history is of not the slightest interest to him .sx Neither does he make sweeping promises for the vague future .sx If Jones says he is going to do something , he means tomorrow .sx ( d ) Jones has the gift of the gab .sx ( e ) Jones is a good mixer .sx It is only on the Jones level that Tories and Socialists can mix as equals , and consequently he is able to avoid all those unprofitable stalemates that politicians are always running into .sx ( f ) Jones is very good on television .sx ( g ) Jones is always positive .sx He would rather be a supporter than an opposer , and he will always endorse good ideas , whichever side they come from .sx ( h ) Jones knows all about images , and in fact invented them .sx ( i ) Jones is always ready to re-think .sx ( j ) Jones is very good at inventing slogans .sx And the slogan of the Jones Party might well be :sx WHAT'S GOOD FOR JONES IS GOOD FOR BRITAIN .sx The Future Jones Offers You .sx The Joneses , Socialist and Tory alike , believe in an egalitarian society ( within the limits of the Jones Practical Democracy , outlined on pp .sx 83-87 ) , where the best brains ( i.e. Jones ) rise to the top , but where there is wealth and opportunity for all .sx Jones has no wish for Britain to be a major power , so long as she can hold first place in the markets of the world .sx He is all for co-existence , peace in our lifetime , and anything that might come under the heading of progress .sx He is against outmoded traditions , gunboat-diplomacy , and monopolies .sx He would take the tax off coloured refrigerators .sx Let us examine in detail some of the Jones Policies for Britain :sx 1 .sx THE JONES FISCAL POLICY .sx There will be no significant fall in income tax , since Jones does not , in fact , object to paying income tax .sx