Left feet trip T & G .sx I'VE long thought the Transport and General Workers' Union should join the Magic Circle on account of its ability to score an own goal while simultaneously shooting itself in the foot .sx Not even Chelsea in its music hall prime ever managed that .sx There is no bad situation which the T & G cannot make worse .sx No disaster which it cannot turn into catastrophe .sx No defeat which it cannot snatch from the jaws of victory .sx Now it is pivoting on its two left feet to do it again .sx This week , ballot papers for the election of the union's deputy general secretary have been posted to members ( and , if the election for the general secretary is anything to go by , to some people who aren't members at all) .sx The candidates who matter are 42-year-old Jack Dromey , the husband of Harriet Harman who dresses almost as smartly as his wife , and Jack Adams , 15 years older and one of the last members of the British Communist party .sx Amazingly , at a time when a Communist couldn't even get elected in Moscow , Adams is the likely winner - unless the union's apathetic members stir themselves and vote heavily for Dromey .sx The result is due on October 18 - right in the middle of a general election campaign should Major gather his nerve and go in November .sx The Tories are praying their T & G supporters will vote for Adams so that they can queue at every TV studio proclaiming Labour is run by Reds .sx An Adams victory would make T & G even more ridiculous , which doesn't bother me , and Neil Kinnock could respond by distancing himself even farther from the T & G. However , Tory nonsense about Labour's " paymaster " might stick .sx That's why electing Adams as a deputy to a weak general secretary , Bill Morris , whom the hard left of the union already reckons it can control , would win the T & G the Own Goal of the Year prize in any competition .sx Even if it did have to limp to the stage to collect it .sx Matter of opinion .sx I SUPPOSE nothing will stem the tide of rubbish which is written every time a new opinion poll comes out , but that doesn't end the obligation to point out what garbage it is .sx The idea that there might be a November general election really took off when The Sunday Times MORI poll showed that the Tories had taken a two-point lead over Labour .sx When other polls followed suit , The Independent declared that the bandwagon for a November election was " unstoppable" .sx But the bandwagon came to a juddering halt when another Sunday Times poll showed that Labour had gone back to a four-point lead .sx Unless you believe about a million voters changed their minds over a couple of weeks , it appears confusing .sx Not necessarily so .sx The two Sunday Times polls could be compatible .sx Given the three-point margin of error within which the polls work , it is mathematically possible that a two-point Tory lead could actually be a four-point Labour lead .sx Equally , a four-point Labour lead could be a two-point Tory lead .sx What the polls show is that the outcome of the election is neither certain nor inevitable .sx No more .sx Foreign affairs .sx WHY should three foreigners of incredible wealth , two of them billionaires , the third a millionaire ( currently on pounds3,500,000 bail facing charges of theft and false accounting ) , jointly give nearly pounds4 million to the Tory party ?sx What was in it for them ?sx When a minor businessman in Neil Kinnock's constituency absented himself from police making their inquiries , it was spread over the front pages of The Sun and other Tory papers .sx Though they proclaimed ( no doubt on the advice of their lawyers ) that Kinnock was completely free of any suggestion of wrong-doing , the underlying message was there .sx But wouldn't they have screamed for a public inquiry if Kinnock had dined with Li Ka-shing , a Hong Kong businessman , and his party then received a cheque for pounds100,000 ?sx Yet that's what John Major did a few weeks ago .sx If Kinnock had invited a Turkish-Cypriot , Asil Nadir , to dine and sent effusive letters of thanks for donations to the party funds adding up to over pounds1,500,000 ( much of them covering the 1987 election campaign ) , wouldn't the soap-boxes have been erected between Fleet Street and Westminster for editors to cry " Scandal" ?sx Yet that is what Lady Thatcher did .sx Wouldn't those same papers now be demanding that Nadir's money should be contributed to the unfortunate shareholders who have seen the value of their holdings melt away ?sx If Kinnock had received pounds2 million from John Latsis , a shipping magnate with unsavoury links with the former Greek dictatorship , wouldn't there have been demands for his resignation ?sx Yet that happened , too , under Lady Thatcher .sx Not all the Tory papers concealed the truth .sx The Sunday Times first revealed the Latsis connection and the Daily Mail printed the Nadir news , even if only on page 19 .sx But , as Edith Cavell said about patriotism , that is not enough .sx Why do rich foreigners give so generously ?sx Were these donations - and God alone knows how many others there have been - philanthropy or an investment ?sx Greens don't get my vote .sx WEDNESDAY , apparently , is National Vegetarian Day .sx I will not be taking part .sx In fact , I'm due at a lunch where I know lamb is being served .sx What's more , I had roast beef for lunch yesterday .sx I am not indifferent to the welfare of animals .sx I stopped eating veal 30 years ago when I discovered the cruelty calves suffer in their brief lives .sx But I hate the main components of vegetarian food .sx I abominate tomatoes , served with everything by bad restaurants .sx I detest cheese , hard or soft , whether smelling only slightly off or reeking to high Heaven .sx Lettuce is fine for rabbits , but not for me .sx Beetroot is awful .sx Cucumbers are tasteless and so are their undeveloped sisters , courgettes .sx Avocadoes sic !sx are grossly overrated , even when filled with prawns .sx And radishes never pass my lips .sx I cannot be converted , because I'm not going to live on peas , runner beans and apples for the rest of my life .sx Lest we forget .sx .. IN A sane society , the idea that John Major could go to the Soviet Union to give advice on how to run an economy would have the unemployed , the repossessed , and bankrupt businessmen falling about in hysterics .sx The notion that he could also bestride the world stage and confer with President Bush , President Gorbachev and the collective Chinese leadership all within the space of a week , would make those who remember his embarrassingly awful few months as Foreign Secretary collapse in a heap .sx But there he is , doing just those things .sx There might be hope for David Owen yet .sx Ronald Reagan was known as the Teflon President , because no matter how often his ignorance , incompetence and laziness were exposed to the American voters , they refused to take any notice .sx There is a danger , now , that Major will become the Teflon Prime Minister .sx I don't just mean his elevation to sainthood by the Tory press .sx We expect that .sx If he were caught spending the nation's cash on a French actress , the Daily Express would praise his concern for the arts and the Daily Mail would see it as further proof of his dedication to Europe .sx But there is more to his current success than sycophancy .sx The voters still blame Lady Thatcher for the sorry state of the economy and excuse Major his leading part in it .sx They still blame her for the Poll Tax and forget that he defended it .sx They forget his uncaring dismissal of the plight of the Kurds and only remember that , eventually , he did something about it , even if they don't remember what .sx But if they forget he is the leader of the Tory party , then they will do so at their peril .sx Smeared by a fantasy .sx LORD MACAULAY once described a book as being the best ever written on the wrong side of the subject of which the author was profoundly ignorant .sx I doubt if he would be as kind today to Smear !sx Wilson and the Secret State , by Stephen Dorril and Robin Ramsay ( Fourth Estate , pounds20) .sx This ragbag of spelling and factual errors ( Brian Walden was never a Minister , Judith Hart is not " now Dame Judith " but Baroness Hart ) purports to show how Harold Wilson was smeared by the secret services through most of his political life .sx Naturally , in order to refute the smears , it repeats them , so that alleged affairs of Wilson and his wife and indiscretions involving former Labour Ministers will get a wider audience than they had when they were only gossiped about .sx Smear !sx is a regurgitation of the wilder fantasies of Private Eye , Auberon Waugh , Spycatcher Peter Wright , Collin Wallace and Tony Benn .sx 'Facts' are preceded by phrases like , " Although there is no evidence of this yet , it seems highly probable .sx .. " .sx The most remarkable thing about this clumsy book is how little the authors know of what really happened in the Wilson years , not how much .sx THIS column , like Mr Gorbachev , was on holiday when the Soviet coup took place , though I think Gorbachev's mistake was the greater .sx We all know what he did .sx What did I do ?sx Among other things I discovered Oxford has a painful practice of projecting metal bus stop signs above the pavement at a height of about 5ft .sx 8in. As I'm 5ft .sx 9in , I ended up with a cut head .sx I thought there was a law against that , and , if there isn't , there ought to be .sx It's no way to encourage tourists , except pygmies and dwarfs .sx Major decision .sx IF JOHN Major hasn't already decided when the General Election is going to be , I'll be astonished .sx And if he has told anyone else , I'll be equally astonished .sx A secret shared is a secret lost .sx Some forecasters of the date will , of course , eventually prove to be right .sx But only because they made a good guess , not because they were well-informed .sx Having been wrong about a June election , I'm not going to plump for any other date .sx I've bet 10 quid against November 7 , but that's a hunch , not information .sx The trouble with the Soviet coup's Committee of Eight was that there were seven too many in it .sx British Prime Ministers learned that lesson a long time ago .sx Power shared is power lost .sx The art of politics is to take a decision and allow others to believe they were part of it .sx It's known as Cabinet government .sx In all the election fever over the past few days , the awful example of Harold Wilson rushing to a General Election in June 1970 , after a few good opinion polls , has been held up by The Guardian , The Times , The Sunday Times and ITN , among others , as a reason why Major should be cautious .sx Even Roy Jenkins , in his elegantly-written autobiography A Life at the Centre ( Macmillan , pounds20 ) , falls into the same trap .sx They are all wrong .sx Wilson decided on a June election on April 13 , the night before Jenkins's sic !sx Budget , and I've got a note to prove it :sx The first poll showing a slight Labour lead didn't come until eight days later .sx Not until April 29 did Wilson consult his Inner Cabinet for their opinions , which meant , in reality , manoeuvring their agreement .sx Blame shared is blame lost .sx In the meantime , speculation increased and an " irresistible " bandwagon was created .sx The longer Major lets the autumn bandwagon roll , the more likely it is to happen .sx If he doesn't want it , the example to follow is Alec Douglas-Home's :sx he announced in the spring of 1964 that the election would not be until the autumn and the May bandwagon crashed .sx They never listen .sx .. DEREK Jameson has got the boot , or at least the slipper , from his BBC show , the afternoon Woman's Hour is being switched to the morning , ball-by-ball Test Match commentary has been scrapped and Gardener's World is cutting down on some of its best-loved presenters .sx In addition , Sky Sport's habit of showing instant replays of previous points in tennis means the start of the following point is frequently missed , and the BBC's practice of covering motor racing from the inside of one of the cars means viewers can't see what's happening on the track .sx