Miles Kington .sx Confusion rules the waves .sx TODAY - a thrilling tale of the sea !sx .sx One Of Our Subs Is Independent .sx Deep inside the USSR Navy submarine Stalingrad , things were pretty quiet , except for the background humming noise .sx In the captain's cabin , Captain Volkov was puzzling over a chess problem , making vague musical noises to himself .sx That was the background humming noise .sx There was also a knocking sound at the door .sx There was only one way to stop that .sx " Come in !sx " .sx The door opened and in came Chief Officer Lermontov , holding a bit of paper in his hand .sx When he saw who it was , Volkov automatically switched on the secret tape recorder he used to preserve all conversations with subordinates .sx He noticed at the same time that Lermontov was activating the small tape machine that he kept secreted about his person .sx Whenever the two of them spoke , they were both taping the talk .sx " Ah , Lermontov , it's you , testing , one , two three , four , come in .sx How are things ?sx " .sx " Not bad , sir .sx The men were wondering where we were exactly .sx " .sx " Somewhere off Norway .sx " .sx " Norway , eh ?sx " .sx " Yes .sx Or Sweden , possibly .sx " .sx " Sweden , eh ?sx " .sx " Yes .sx Or maybe even Germany or Spain .sx ..Lermontov , you know I can't possibly tell you where we are .sx " .sx " Yes , sir .sx Because you don't know .sx Because only HQ back home knows , and they won't tell us .sx " .sx " Yes .sx Got a bit of paper there , have you ?sx " .sx This was for the benefit of the tape recordings , rather than a straight inquiry .sx " Ah , yes , sir .sx I do have a piece of paper here .sx This is the result of the on-board referendum about renaming the Stalingrad .sx If you remember , HQ has encouraged us to think of a new name that does not refer to Uncle Joe .sx " .sx " I remember , " said Volkov heavily .sx " There seems to be as much bureaucracy post- glasnost as there was before .sx " .sx He bit his tongue .sx That wasn't the sort of thing you should say to a tape recorder .sx He looked up to see Lermontov laughing wildly but silently and gesturing as if to say " one nil !sx " It was a sort of game he had with Lermontov , to see who could trick the other into making the greater number of subversive statements .sx At the moment the score was 1,916 to Lermontov , 1,777 to Volkov .sx It was a high score , but Russian subs stay at sea for a long time , especially when they aren't sure where they are .sx " Results of the poll are pretty inconclusive , I'm afraid .sx We've had five votes for Spirit of Yeltsin , four for Don't Worry , Be Happy , three for Dear Old Vodka , two for Sex 'n' Drugs 'n' Rock 'n' Roll .sx .. " .sx " In that case , we'll go for Spirit of Yeltsin and thank our lucky stars that it wasn't worse .sx Thank you , Lermontov .sx " .sx " Thank you , sir .sx " .sx They both switched off their machines .sx They both stayed in the cabin .sx This was the point where the real conversation started .sx " Well , what was the result of the real referendum , the one to decide whether the submarine should become an independent republic or not ?sx " .sx " Fifty-six for , 13 against .sx " .sx Yes , the split-up of the Soviet Union had gone further than the West suspected .sx At least one Russian sub had woken up to the fact that it had its own nuclear strike force , its own micro-economy amid its own stores of food and fuel .sx Why not its own independence ?sx It was already in far better shape than many real republics .sx " I have to say , Captain , that the men are worried about the future .sx What happens when the food and fuel run out ?sx " .sx " No problem .sx We point a nuclear warhead at the nearest country and get it .sx " .sx " That's piracy .sx " .sx " Not if you call it getting aid from the West .sx Listen , Lermontov , as soon as the West learns that a Soviet sub has gone independent , they'll be falling over themselves to have us as allies .sx We can't lose .sx The only thing is .sx .. " .sx " Yes ?sx " .sx " We still don't know our position .sx So I'm afraid we are going to have to surface , make for land and just ask where we are .sx " .sx ( In the next episode , Captain Volkov's submarine , 'The Republic of the Spirit of Yeltsin' , emerges in New York harbour , where Volkov establishes where he is and asks if it is too late to enter another team for the World Cup .sx Don't miss ) .sx Miles Kington .sx Opinion polls for every occasion .sx EIGHTY-FIVE per cent of the electorate are sick and tired of the next election , even though it hasn't been announced yet !sx That's the shock finding of a new poll commissioned especially for the first few paragraphs of this column .sx Other findings include a 17 per cent vote for David Owen as next PM , and a widespread feeling that the Benetton poster of the new-born baby is an anti-Labour smear campaign by the Tories .sx But here is the poll in full .sx Remember , it was taken before news of Hampshire's victory in the Natwest Trophy could have affected it .sx " If there was an election tomorrow , what would you do ?sx " .sx square Vote ( 40 per cent ) .sx square Say " Thank God !sx An end at last to those bloody opinion polls !sx " ( 60 per cent ) .sx These findings will shock those who have come to treat opinion polls as a useful tool , a good way of filling up the front page , or simply as the nearest thing to democracy in Britain today .sx But if opinion polls are so boring and unpopular , why do we have so many of them ?sx One specially commissioned for the next bit of this article asked this very question ( NB :sx This poll was taken after John Major's historic trip to China , but before he next went to the lavatory .sx ) .sx " Who do you think pays any attention to polls about the next election ?sx " .sx square God knows ( 33 per cent ) .sx square Nervous MPs ( 27 per cent ) .sx square People who make money out of running polls ( 23 per cent ) .sx square Here , are you from that Esther Rantzen programme ?sx Well , if so , where are your cameras , then ?sx Eh ?sx ( 14 per cent ) .sx square Dr David Owen ( 3 per cent ) .sx Another unexpected finding to emerge from recent polls is that politicians' prime ministerial potential increases after they resign .sx David Steel , David Owen and Margaret Thatcher have high profiles as future PMs .sx So does John Major .sx But this is because many people are under the impression that Mr Major is already an ex-prime minister .sx This emerged from a poll taken after this article was started but before it was completed .sx Here is the vital question .sx " What do you think John Major has achieved in his recent world tour ?sx " .sx square He has considerably boosted the sales of his books , CDs , tapes and T-shirts based on his tenure in office ( 37 per cent ) .sx square He has shown the dictator of Burma is not the only world leader with the guts to go to Peking and agree with the Chinese leadership ( 25 per cent ) .sx square He was trying to go round the world in eight days or less , using only official limousines and the Queen's flight , and no public transport ( 14 per cent ) .sx square He was trying to avoid having to read the opinion polls ( 24 per cent ) .sx " We now think , " writes the eminent social psephologist Dr Ivor Tenure , " that there are two main reasons for the proliferation of polls before an election .sx One is to provide employment .sx An enormous temporary army of pollsters , researchers , TV workers and experts suddenly comes on to the employment statistics , which cuts the jobless figures by thousands , which makes it look as if the Government is doing a good job .sx It is , therefore , more likely to get voted in .sx It's a self-fulfilling process .sx " The other effect is that by picking a date for the election the Government is , in effect , pledging an end to opinion polls for a few years .sx Out of sheer gratitude , many , many people will vote for it , simply for delivering them from the endless litany of Poll Shock headlines .sx " .sx None of which explains Dr Owen's sudden surge in popularity .sx So we commissioned a special poll to find out .sx Remember , this poll was taken before you read the results , but after we realised we'd need another poll to pad out the column .sx The questions asked were :sx How do you explain Dr Owen's sudden surge in popularity ?sx square Total mystery ( 25 per cent ) .sx square Is he the one on telly in that hospital series with the catchphrase " Oops !sx Butterfingers !sx " every time a patient dies ?sx I think he's smashing ( 25 per cent ) .sx square Well , basically , everyone knows by now that David's big flaw is that he can't work with any colleagues .sx Now , at last , he has no colleagues .sx So we finally feel we can safely vote for him ( 50 per cent ) .sx PS :sx Don't forget , on TV tonight , David Owen talks exclusively to Jeremy Paxman and asks him :sx Now that your days as a bright and cynical young man of TV reporting are virtually over , Jeremy , how do you see you yourself having a future ?sx Miles Kington .sx What I really meant to say was .sx .. Apology I WROTE recently in these columns the following statement :sx " Increasingly Mr John Major is acquiring a high profile as a foreign statesman to whom more and more heads of state are willing to turn , and whose voice is regularly listened to in international councils .sx " .sx This should , of course , have read as follows :sx " When a man is making little headway on the domestic front , he traditionally tries to make a role for himself on the international stage , flying from capital to capital in an effort to look like a big cheese .sx All that he actually achieves is a big airline bill and a sense of foreboding among his colleagues at the prospect of hearing his bland monotone again .sx " .sx I would like to apologise for any distress this may have caused .sx Correction I wrote recently the following statement about Dr David Owen .sx " Dr David Owen will be leaving politics at the time of the next general election .sx " .sx It has now been pointed out to me that this is incorrect , and I have been asked to insert the following correction .sx " Dr David Owen left politics at the time of the last general election , or possibly the one before that .sx " .sx Alteration It has been drawn to my attention that a recent apology in which I talked about Mr Major's role on the international scene may have given the wrong impression .sx I have been asked instead to print the following statement .sx " 'Save me from the old witch !sx ' That was the urgent plea that brought John Major scurrying out to Moscow last night , as Mikhail Gorbachev tried everything he knew to avoid a meeting with Mrs Thatcher .sx Ever since her fall from power nine months ago , Mrs Thatcher has been flying from country to country looking for one that will give her asylum , or preferably where she can take over as leader , and now she seems to have targeted the USSR as her future sphere of activity , plunging the country into the chaos with which we are all too familiar .sx " .sx I am glad to comply with this request .sx Withdrawal I wrote recently the following :sx " Mr Neil Kinnock is too big a man to be bothered by the vicious talk behind the scenes .sx By the canard that , as he was always yoked to Mrs Thatcher in opposition , he should have left when she did .sx That he is nothing like the commanding figure that John Smith is .sx That even other Welshmen find him windy .sx That only an all-Scottish shadow Cabinet can save Labour now .sx Above all this Mr Kinnock can rise serenely .sx " .sx This was , of course , a misprint .sx It should have read :sx " Mr Neil Kinnock will be leaving politics at the time of the next general election .sx " .sx Sorry Recently I reported on the World Games in Tokyo to the effect that :sx " We cannot but be inspired , in the midst of turmoil , unrest and discontent , by the sight of men and women engaged in the heroic , elemental battle against the frontiers of human limitations .sx As man soars over 29ft , surely our spirits soar with him ?sx " .sx Thousands of readers have written in to ask if I did not , rather , mean to say :sx " When , oh when , will these monumentally dreary games be over ?sx " .sx