The Art of Ruminating .sx Lord Willis .sx Some people who see me sitting in the Lords' library after one of Mr. Bibbiani's excellent lunches often jump to the erroneous conclusion that I am asleep .sx This error occurs , no doubt , because I usually have my eyes closed and am purring gently to myself .sx The truth is that all my senses are alert and I am ruminating .sx I am probably one of the country's greatest ruminators .sx At the risk of seeming immodest , I might say that I have turned rumination into an art form and I can tell you that it beats jogging out of sight .sx Last week , for example , I was ruminating on the subject of television advertisements for politics and politicians and the sort of thing we might see if these were to be permitted .sx Frankly the idea appals me but if the dam does crack may I offer the following very tentative suggestions ?sx TRY ME - I'M PADDY .sx Take off for the Destination of Your Dreams with the Democrats !sx Get Lift-off with the Libs !sx Send a large SAE and 25p now for a copy of our Programme .sx It's perfick .sx ( Batteries not included .sx ) .sx THE KINNOCK COLLECTION .sx All the new season's model policies presented by the New Model Labour Party .sx No messing , no militants !sx The moderation is the message !sx ( If you don't see what you want in the manifesto please ask a Shadow assistant .sx We have a wide range of off-the-peg policies to suit all tastes .sx ) .sx HIM TARZAN , ME JOHN !sx The team that brought you the new scientifically improved Poll Tax with the sensational magic ingredient - BANDING !sx In tests , nine out of ten fat-cats prefer it .sx ( Don't miss our Great Autumn - or Spring - Sale .sx Everything on offer at prices which will astound you .sx ) .sx OPT OUT WITH OWEN .sx Put your electoral health in the hands of the Doctor who cured the SDP at a stroke .sx The man who took the P out of Party .sx No meetings , no membership , no programme to confuse you .sx Just the man .sx Headaches a speciality .sx ( This commercial is sponsored by the British Institute for the Advancement of Solo Flying .sx ) .sx I have , as regular readers will know , a sharp ear for rumours and I picked up one in the Bishop's Bar the other day which both intrigued and surprised me .sx It seems that some Peers are concerned about a possible decline in the sartorial standards of the House , so much so that there is talk of setting up a Special Committee to investigate and make recommendations .sx It all started , I understand , when one young Peer was seen to be wearing a gold ear-ring .sx In vain did he explain to those who expressed concern if not horror that there was a long tradition of ear-rings in his family , which had first achieved aristocratic status as a result of successful buccaneering and bedding in the days of Good Queen Bess .sx His adornment was seen by some as the first step down the slippery slope that leads to jeans , T-shirts and Austin Mitchell-type ties and action was called for .sx For my part , I find this disquiet unnecessary .sx Apart from the odd flash of scarlet sock , the scuffed suede shoe , the purple tie , their Lordships appear to me to be clothed in a style which would reflect credit on a convention of undertakers .sx There is , of course , the occasional exception , usually some ex-MP who having served a sentence in Another Place has not only fallen into sloppy habits but taken to wearing them .sx I recall one newly-created ex-Labour MP who arrived for his first day on our benches attired in a sports-jacket which might have been fashioned from a horse - blanket , socks from which no rainbow hue had been omitted , a green shirt and the regimental tie of the Royal Fusiliers .sx The tie appeared to have made a recent escape from a soup tureen .sx His exhibition of sartorial defiance did not last long .sx Within two weeks this colourful maverick had sunk without trace into the prevailing background of clerical grey and blue serge .sx My heart warmed to one noble Lord who suggested that we should follow the example of some restaurants and keep a supply of acceptable clothing for use by those Peers who arrive unsuitably dressed .sx This stock , he proposed , should be lodged in an underground room to which offenders would be escorted by trained Enforcement Officers .sx A drift of perfume from an attractive newly-ennobled Baroness teased my senses the other day and distracted my attention from a fascinating debate on the case for fixed term parliaments , a proposal which would avoid sustained speculation about the dates of General Elections .sx This , I must say , is a cause that has my unwavering support but I am afraid that the delicious scent caused my thoughts to dance in other directions .sx I am not expert enough to define the perfume and I lacked the cheek to ask the Lady in question but by a coincidence an hour or so later I found an item about the origin of Chanel No 5 in that excellent Australian magazine The Bulletin .sx Apparently , back in 1921 , Mme .sx Chanel commissioned the aptly named Ernest Beaux to develop the ultimate perfume and he came up with this magic formula :sx Ylang-ylang ( an aromatic tree from the Comoros Islands ) ; neroli ( an oil distilled from oranges ) ; jasmine ; rose de mai ( from Grasse ) ; sandalwood ( from Mysore ) , vetiver ( from Reunion Island) .sx From this geographical melange M. Beaux produced the perfume which was to become world-famous as Chanel No 5 and bring forth some enduring quotes .sx As , for instance , Marilyn Monroe , who when asked what she wore in bed replied , " Chanel No 5 " .sx But I like best this one from Mme .sx Chanel herself :sx " Perfume should be worn whenever you expect to be kissed .sx " .sx I hope that they get the Census right this time .sx My own experience does not offer much scope for optimism .sx I live in a house which bears the name Murrabinda , an Aboriginal term which means Water-Hole , and I chose it as a way of indicating that the thirsty traveller would find appropriate refreshment therein .sx However , on my Census Form , the name appeared as Marrow Binder .sx I am concerned that this might eventually appear as my profession .sx 'Hung Parliament' By Julian Critchley MP .sx Hutchinson pounds13 .sx 99 .sx Review By Austin Mitchell MP .sx Julian Critchley is a clever fellow .sx Too clever by seven eighths to be a Conservative .sx Not deferential enough to be Labour .sx Far too unfashionable to be a Liberal .sx He'll just have to be a Critchleyite .sx Appropriately he's now created his own party and parliament .sx Some of us with half his wit would be happy enough to devote the rest of our lives to recycling his marvellous jokes .sx I could listen to him forever and often have to .sx Yet Julian is far more of a Panjandrum than that .sx Now he's challenging Barbara Cartland , Tom Wolfe and Melvyn Bragg on their home ground with this novel .sx The animated version of Westminster Blues but something far more as well .sx Hung Parliament is not an entirely believable representation of Westminster .sx There's much more sex , indeed it could be renamed Well Hung Parliament .sx There's also drugs , rent boys , murder and people missing .sx 'Three Line Whips' without reason .sx How unlike the home life of our own dear backbenchers .sx That is the triumph of the skilled novelist - to invent and create a wholly imaginary world .sx Julian has that , as well as the ability to invent such unreal characters as 'John Seldom Gummer' , 'Edwina Currie' , 'Michael Heseltine' and a particularly improbable one called 'Richard Ryder' , juvenile lead and boy Whip .sx John Major-Major is also there .sx Like his counterpart in Catch 22 he is also not there .sx Which seems appropriate .sx As an inventive tour de force the creation of such people must rank with Tolkein .sx Julian also adds a quota of much more real and believable characters such as Sir Hugh Grunte ( pronounced like Bront e our author Wutheringly explains) .sx He gets drunk and attacks another invented character called 'Mark Fisher' , a class traitor .sx There's David 'Spanker' Lancaster , who makes sexual advances to House of Commons waiters , sex-pot Emma Kerr , who climbs the ladders of power wrong by wrong , and one Robert Maclennan who appears to be speaking all the time in the Chamber .sx Indeed , it never occurred to me until I read this book just how valuable the name and time on the annunciator are as an alibi for anything from murder through paternity suits to cottaging of a type which will become more common now the Poll Tax is being taken off it .sx Whatever individual crimes are committed , Maclennan is clearly innocent .sx So are Cryer and Skinner .sx Their crime is against the rest of us .sx The action itself has nothing to do with a hung Parliament , rather a hung character who dies waiting for the parliamentary life .sx Its setting is not some mythical parliament such as the next one , but here and now in Major country .sx Everything is packed into a brief period centring on that most nightmarish of all milieus , an all - night sitting - the times when a whole lifetime seems to be crammed into one dreary , bleary night of enforced captivity all described with wit and cynical brilliance .sx This is wholly deceiving .sx I don't believe Critchley views the whole thing with the weary resignation he affects .sx He loves it .sx He must .sx Why else put up with it or the kind of people he has to mix with ?sx The genre this book represents is difficult to describe .sx A novel of Tory manners , or these days the lack of them ?sx After all , Julian is the Miss Manners of his party .sx The essence of the book is a loving invocation of a cosy Tory world .sx It must have been quickly rewritten after the Conservative Liberation Front struck the dictator down last November and freed the toffs from long years of subjection to the peasantry .sx There's no trace of post Thatcher triste and those who feel it are uniformly described as unlovable and so far as Emma Kerr offers , unloved .sx Yet as a result of the change-over after a decade and a half of fighting in the resistance ( Literary Squad ) Julian is now a happy man , oppressed only by the weight of human folly which he sees around himself everywhere .sx Labour MPs don't feature in the book .sx Except Mark Fisher and Tam Dalyell , who happen to be public school chaps .sx Which may explain why Mark gets kissed .sx Neil doesn't make it , despite the public school ties he wears these days .sx The only Liberal is Robert Maclennan .sx Probably because he's speaking all the time .sx Charles Kennedy tells me that this is cruel , though it certainly doesn't seem so if you happen to be in the Chamber .sx Jealously I noted that Charles himself gets a mensh .sx I don't .sx Which may be an accurate measure of attendances and a clue that the whole novel centres on the Chamber and its immediate vicinity .sx There we see the flow and ebb of parliamentary life , brilliantly described by someone who doesn't take it seriously enough to be a committee chairman , and hasn't put on enough weight to turn into one of the ranks of the living dead , the senior backbenchers ; Mrs Thatcher's thousand and one knights .sx Wisely , the book is described as 'an entertainment' rather than a novel .sx So don't expect a masterpiece of literature .sx That would be hard to find in any first novel .sx Even Roy Hattersley's .sx Nominally a thriller , it is also no Jeffrey Archer .sx There is something to be thankful for .sx It is as compelling as good writing always is .sx It lures the reader on with the expectations of more wit to come rather than through the sheer pace of the story .sx It certainly held my attention in a way no other parliamentary novel of our time has .sx Julian is always worth reading .sx " This boy can write , " as Mrs Thatcher once said after reading Sir Bernard Ingham's eight line summary of his last three books .sx Well done Julian .sx I rate Hung Parliament as a triumph .sx The test of a parliamentary novel is not that it's done brilliantly , but that it's done at all .sx