'A Good Man Is Hard to Find' .sx How true this is !sx However , before we go any further , we had better say what we mean by 'a good man' .sx There are several aspects to the word 'good' .sx First , it doesn't stand by itself .sx Whenever we see the word 'good' , a question arises in our minds :sx 'good' for whom ?sx Or 'good' for what ?sx If something is good , it must be good for some person or some purpose .sx It follows that , from your point of view , a 'good' man is a man who is 'good for me' ; not one who your mother , or father or girlfriend thinks is good for you , but one who you decide is good for you - someone you feel you can trust ; someone you feel comfortable with ; someone who shares your deepest values ; someone who treats you the way you want to be treated .sx Later on in this book we'll offer you some suggestions about the qualities of mind and character you might like to consider if you are looking for a long-term relationship with a member of the opposite sex .sx Not that you have to have a relationship with a man !sx Some women prefer their own company ; they're quite happy to live without a man in their lives .sx Or you might love domestic animals and want nothing more than to spend your life looking after them .sx Others again may prefer the company of other women and may enjoy , and intend to maintain , an ongoing intimate relationship with some similarly inclined partner of the same sex .sx If that is your particular cup of tea , fine .sx It is not part of our brief to try to change your preferences .sx It seems , however , that the majority of women prefer to have a man in their lives , and while we obviously write with their interests in mind , this by no means excludes those of you who hold different ideas .sx Almost anybody can experience emotional difficulties in their personal relationships , regardless of their sexual orientation or lifestyle .sx Whether or not you have a man in your life and whether or not you want one , you may find that what we have to say in this book can help you , perhaps in unexpected ways , to get on better with those people or partners you do choose to live with on an intimate basis .sx Now , let's return to this question of what is 'a good man' .sx If you return to Chapter 1 and reread what we said about rating yourself , you will see that our remarks about giving oneself a global rating are relevant to what we are discussing here .sx While you may legitimately rate your acts as good or bad , you cannot logically rate your entire self as good or bad ; indeed , you cannot measure it in any way .sx In other words , when you act well , that doesn't make you a good person , because a 'good person' is someone who is wholly good and cannot be anything else but good .sx Similarly , if you rate yourself as a bad person on the basis of having committed misdeeds , or having acted badly or unethically , you are making the same mistake :sx evaluating your entire self or being on the basis of your actions .sx The point is , very simply , that you are not the same thing as your traits or behaviour .sx Can you see now that describing someone as a good person , or as a bad person , really amounts to giving that person a global rating ?sx Which brings us back to what we pointed out at the beginning of this chapter :sx a good man means 'good for me' .sx So , what might you be looking for if you are in the market for a man with whom you could seriously contemplate having a close , long-term relationship ?sx Let us now take a look at some important considerations involved in finding a suitable partner , and also at some of the pitfalls to be avoided .sx Obstacles to finding a 'good' man .sx There are two main categories of obstacle confronting you , at least potentially .sx You are unlikely to meet them all although you could be unlucky and find yourself faced with them at some time or other .sx Category 1 :sx Social or societal obstacles .sx The first category consists of obstacles created by the particular society you were born and reared in .sx These comprise :sx Geographical obstacles .sx If you live in a small village remote from larger centres of population , and your mobility is restricted , you may find that the number of potential partners for you is too limited , thus placing too tight a restriction on your choice .sx Social obstacles .sx Every society has its rules and customs governing what you should and shouldn't do .sx Not all of them are necessarily enforced by law , but even those that are not legally binding still exercise a considerable influence upon individuals to 'toe the line' as far as conduct with the opposite sex is concerned .sx You may think that some of these social mores are outdated , a legacy perhaps of the male-dominated past when women had far less freedom and equality of opportunity than they have today , but they can still prove irksome , even in today's partially improved climate , to modern , independent-minded women who know what they want and have scant regard for the cobwebbed rules of behaviour their mothers and grandmothers lived by and took for granted .sx Cultural obstacles .sx You may find yourself faced with restrictions imposed by your culture .sx One of these is 'you mustn't marry outside the faith' .sx This restriction is not necessarily a foolish one .sx You might easily be attracted to someone with a different religion or with no religion at all , but a clash of values is then possible , especially if you marry and decide to bring up children .sx Having said that , we are aware that happy marriages have taken place between individuals of different faiths or religious backgrounds .sx In general , however , we would not recommend forming an intimate partnership with someone with fundamentally different religious convictions to your own , if you both take your religion seriously .sx Having a common religion doesn't necessarily lead to a harmonious relationship , of course , but two different religions with conflicting values have plenty of potential for causing problems in any relationship .sx Category 2 :sx Emotional problems .sx Unlike the first category of obstacles , many of which were in existence before you were born and are relatively resistant to change , the obstacles in this category are mainly the self-created emotional disturbances we met in Chapter 1 .sx In the next section we will take a closer look at one of them - anxiety .sx Anxiety As we discussed in Chapter 1 , anxiety is really over-concern about some possible future happening or outcome .sx How does anxiety prevent you from going after what you want or make you less effective in achieving your goal than you would be without the anxiety ?sx It can manifest itself in one of two ways , which will cause you either to try too hard or not to try at all .sx There is a world of difference between preferring a man in your life and needing one .sx Some women are unsuccessful in finding the kind of man they want because they try too hard .sx Here is why desperately looking for a man won't help you find a suitable one .sx As soon as you convince yourself that you absolutely must have something - such as the love or esteem of some man you've met , and that you couldn't possibly be happy without him , you will tend to do all the wrong things to achieve your objective .sx Why ?sx Because you will feel so anxious , so over-concerned about the possibility of not getting what you so desperately think you must have , that you will tend to act in foolish and exaggerated ways instead of calmly using whatever social skills and natural charm you may have to attract the attention of the individual whose attributes you admire so much .sx You will be so anxious about making a good impression upon this individual that your spontaneity and ease of manner with him will be inhibited by your fear of saying the wrong thing or giving him the impression that you are not too bright , or even appearing a little naive .sx You saw in Chapter 1 how Susan's anxiety over losing her fianc e e to another woman led her into an emotional turmoil which not only caused her pain and unhappiness , but nearly precipitated the break-up or her engagement .sx But anxiety can also cause you not to take any action at all to win the esteem or interest of some man who really appeals to you .sx This may happen if you have already lost out with some man you very much wanted to get close to because of some mistakes you made in the early stages of your relationship .sx The thought that you might fail again with this new man , and how awful that would be , freezes you into immobility .sx " How awful it would be if I screwed up this chance !sx I couldn't go through that period of misery again .sx " This is what you tell yourself , and rather than risk yet another failure , you do nothing , and let the chance of winning this man pass you by .sx Perhaps you eventually settle for some ordinary fellow who doesn't exactly inspire you but whom you know you can easily attract , telling yourself that half a loaf is better than no bread .sx That may be true in some areas of life , but sadly , it doesn't apply in the game of love .sx " Alright , it would be very nice if I could meet some attractive guy and feel at ease while we got to know each other , but how do I avoid feeling a bit anxious when I meet some really outstanding man ?sx " you might ask .sx Well , for a start , you need to become aware of how anxiety is created .sx How we talk ourselves into feeling anxious .sx If you really decide to go for what you really want in an intimate long - term relationship with a man , how can you overcome your anxiety , or , better still , not feel anxious at all ?sx The answer is to tackle your underlying insecurity .sx You will find it helpful to use the A-B-C model of emotional disturbance which we described in Chapter 1 .sx This provides you with a framework with which you can visualize how your anxiety ( or any other disturbing emotion ) is created and what you can do to eliminate it .sx Before we go into detail , let's set the scene by looking at a typical problem experienced by some women .sx Linda , an attractive 30-year-old advertising executive , met Geoff at a party .sx Of all the men present at that party , Geoff was the one who attracted her the most .sx He was good-looking , charming , amusing and considerate .sx She and Geoff got on together just great .sx Linda was over the moon when , as the party drew to a close , Geoff asked her for a date one evening the following week .sx For several days before the date of their meeting , Linda was looking forward to the event with eager anticipation .sx Perhaps he would turn out to be the man she had been looking for over the past few years but had yet to find !sx True , Linda had had a few boyfriends and had high hopes of at least two of them resulting in the kind of close , loving , long-term relationship she really wanted , but somehow it didn't happen .sx After a short spell of dating , Linda's hopes would be dashed as the men lost interest and drifted away .sx And to make matters worse , Linda's mother was dropping remarks more often to the effect that it was time her daughter was thinking of settling down like so many other of Linda's friends had done by the time they had reached Linda's age .sx " It was all too much !sx " thought Linda .sx " Here I am trying my hardest to find the right guy , while my mother carries on abut how I'm wasting the best years of my life just playing around !sx Well , this time I'll show her !sx " .sx As the big day drew near , Linda's feelings of eager anticipation changed to feelings of increasing anxiety .sx