1 .sx Difficulties in Relationships .sx Any relationship will at some stage go through a rough patch .sx This is part and parcel of being close to another person .sx Provided the foundation is solid and there is good communication between the partners , difficulties can usually be resolved , and as a consequence , the relationship grows stronger and closer .sx In the following chapters you will find descriptions of some of the most common difficulties that can occur in relationships and which can ( but don't have to ) lead to a rift that is severe enough to bring about a split-up .sx As you are reading through the various examples , you may find parallels to problems you are experiencing or have experienced in your own relationship with your partner .sx Please remember that you will still have to decide for yourself what you want to do about these problems .sx If you feel the relationship is worth saving , then the following chapters will help you become more aware of the different facets of the problem , and this in turn will enable you to tackle them more constructively .sx If , however , you feel the relationship is past repair , you will have to make a move to disengage yourself from your partner .sx Incompatibility Opposites attract - or do they ?sx There are various reasons why people with opposing personalities and conflicting views will get together , and the following are some examples for each case to illustrate the point .sx 'I adore you' .sx Peter had fallen in love with Sharon - madly in love .sx She seemed the most wonderful creature in the world to him .sx He told all his friends about her and finally plucked up enough courage to ask her out .sx He was overjoyed when she accepted .sx They started going out and Peter was in seventh heaven ; he finally had the woman of his dreams !sx She did not seem to have a lot of time for him and could only see him once a week , but Peter didn't mind .sx She also made derogatory remarks about his friends and Peter himself , but he took this as being her particular sense of humour ; surely she didn't mean it .sx He began to think seriously about marriage , and even when friends told him that they had seen Sharon with another man , Peter ignored the warnings .sx He decided it would be an insult to Sharon to even ask her to comment on these rumours .sx To Peter , it was impossible to contemplate that Sharon could have any faults or shortcomings .sx Two months later she left him for another man .sx Peter was heartbroken and unable to understand why she had broken off their relationship all of a sudden .sx .. Peter's case may be an extreme example , but it is by no means an uncommon one .sx For some people , being in love has the disturbing side-effect of anaesthetizing the rational mind to an extent where the person floats through life on autopilot , hypnotized by the object of their desire .sx They do not really see the other person , they only see what they want to see ; they are in love with a figment of their imagination .sx They will neither see nor admit that their love is one-sided because they automatically ignore any signals that do not fit into their concept of adoration .sx Even when incompatibilities are pointed out to them , they will sweep them under the carpet or reinterpret them into an acceptable version , finding all sorts of excuses to explain unpleasant behaviour with which their partner confronts them .sx This is a bit like doing a jigsaw puzzle and cutting the pieces with a pair of scissors to make them fit - you will never get the true picture .sx 'Marriage will change everything' .sx You may be quite aware of some major differences between you and your partner but still think that you can bring about a change through the power of your feelings for the other person .sx This is an idea that often precedes the wish to get married .sx Even though there are things between you that don't work out you think that by getting married you will feel better , your love will get stronger and therefore your partner will change or you will be able to adapt better to the things you could not cope with in the past .sx Let me give you an example .sx Veronica had been married to John for two years and she was beginning to be very unhappy with certain aspects of their relationship .sx John's job involved a great deal of socializing in the evenings , and Veronica was asked to come along to most of the events , which she did .sx Veronica found it easy to talk to other people and enjoyed going to these functions ; the only thing that marred her pleasure was the way John behaved when in company .sx Usually he was a friendly and retiring man , but as soon as they were at a party or an official function , he became noisy and always tried to be the centre of attention , oblivious of the fact that he often interrupted others or intruded on private conversations .sx He appeared self-opinionated and always had to have the last word .sx This was , however , not a new thing .sx John had been like that ever since Veronica had known him , and it had always bothered her .sx She had attempted to point it out to John , without success .sx He dismissed the issue , insisting that Veronica was overreacting and that he certainly had not had any complaints from anyone else .sx There had been frequent rows about this issue before their marriage , but Veronica had been hoping that their new status as husband and wife would alleviate tensions and either make John a calmer and more considerate person or give her the poise she needed to put up with his behaviour in a more gracious manner .sx None of this happened .sx John continued to be noisy at social gatherings and Veronica grew more and more disgruntled .sx She felt embarrassed whenever she had to go out with her husband and started avoiding it .sx In the end , this rift proved to be irreparable .sx Why is it we think that marriage will work a sudden miracle on our shortcomings ?sx We still seem to hold this curious image of marriage as a magical cure-all , the answer to all our interpersonal problems , when really this is quite an unrealistic view when we look at it in a detached manner .sx Marriage puts stress on a relationship because it is a commitment , and if you are serious about your marriage vows , it is a commitment for life .sx Even though outwardly nothing may change ( you may have lived together before anyway ) , saying 'I will' changes things emotionally for you .sx Who can honestly say that they were entirely untroubled by thoughts like , 'What if this is all a big mistake' ?sx during the time leading up to the wedding ?sx Emotional stress can be caused by negative events but also by positive ones , and whatever category you will want to put 'marriage' under , the fact remains that it puts you under pressure .sx Everything that was a problem before marriage is therefore likely to become a more serious problem after marriage because when you are under emotional stress you find it more difficult to cope with problems .sx If things are seriously wrong during the courting period while both partners are still on their best behaviour , it is highly unlikely that the problems will vanish after marriage .sx 'I need you' .sx Opposite personalities will also be attracted to each other when the partners complement one another in their weaknesses .sx You can , for example , have a constellation where one person is timid and helpless and the other person has a tendency to tell others what to do .sx When two personalities like that get together , they often form a strong initial attachment because each of them gets what they need :sx the timid person gets relief from anxiety because they finally have someone who makes all their decisions for them , and the domineering person can dominate and feel needed .sx Another combination of opposing personalities is the lazy person and the workaholic , where the workaholic cannot stop busying themselves with all sorts of chores and tasks , feeling needed and important in the process , and the lazy person pursuing their favourite pastime , namely doing nothing .sx On first sight , these 'odd' couples seem to be ideally matched , but as time goes by , circumstances change and people change , and one of the partners may overcome their weakness and outgrow their partner , and all of a sudden , the other person is no longer needed .sx Sonja had never been very happy at home .sx Her father was strict , her mother overprotective .sx Sonja had been longing to leave home for a long time , and the great day finally came after a year at university .sx She managed to convince her parents that commuting to and from university took up too much time , and her parents finally agreed to let her rent a bedsit near the campus .sx Sonja finally had what she wanted , but after the first euphoria had worn off she began to realize that she was now faced with another difficulty :sx she did not know how to live in the outside world .sx She had never learned how to handle money , how to make decisions for herself and how to deal with being by herself .sx She was frightened and getting more and more nervous which made her even less capable of dealing with all the new challenges that came her way , until , much to her relief , David appeared on the scene .sx He was kind and understanding and told her not to worry , he was going to look after her .sx He took troublesome decisions off her hands , redecorated her little bedsit for her and filled her evenings .sx Sonja was blissfully happy ; everything seemed to be going her way , and the relationship became a steady one .sx She finally moved in with David .sx With his help , she became more competent and gradually lost her fear of problematic situations .sx As she grew more confident , she needed David less and less .sx She had started developing away from David , and he could not adapt to the new status quo .sx He still wanted to tell her how to do things , but now Sonja did not want to follow his advice any more .sx She felt she had become a person in her own right and wanted to make her own decisions .sx After three years , the relationship broke off .sx 'Look at me - I'm interesting' .sx This is something that happens often at the beginning of a relationship where one or both of the partners transform into miracles of wit , sagacity and eloquence .sx They confess to loving the theatre , opera , ballet , cinema , art galleries and so on ; in other words , they are culture vultures par excellence .sx They might even end up taking you to the cinema once or twice , until the first euphoria has worn off and the true person comes out from behind the glamour veneer .sx It's a bit like Superman , only the other way around :sx you see him in his blue and red hero outfit first and then he goes into a phonebox and turns around three times , sparks flying , and you are left with a meek and un - adventurous little man who likes to spend his Sunday afternoons in front of the television watching cricket .sx This initial display of initiative and vivacity may even be quite genuine and is not necessarily meant to purposely deceive the other person .sx It is simply born out of a feeling of happy excitement at going into a new and promising relationship .sx The only problem with this is that it is only temporary , and if you have picked your partner because you saw him as being compatible with you , sharing your love for going out and doing things that do not involve the television set , then it can be a major disappointment when you find that your prince has turned into a frog after you have kissed him a few times .sx You are then left with the options of either continuing to make your own entertainment by going out with friends or going out by yourself , but it is still frustrating if you would have preferred to go out with your partner .sx