Chancellor would be a fine thing .sx How Lamont used all his energy to stage a Norman conquest .sx Julia Langdon .sx There was a time when Norman Lamont used to complain that he was doing time in the Siberian salt-mines of the British Government .sx It was in the first years of the Thatcher Government , when he was one of the two Under Secretaries of State at the Department of Energy and it was clear that his talents were somewhat under used .sx Perhaps such a low-key job might seem preferable now .sx That is only because so much to do with the Government's fortunes and its future is now pinned on the Chancellor of the Exchequer .sx It means that he faces a truly awesome personal responsibility .sx Myself , I think I'd choose the salt-mines .sx But then there are few people who have ambition comparable to that of Mr Lamont .sx Although he denies it , he used to be just a little bit jealous of his former fellow Under Secretary in the salt-mines , a Mr John Moore .sx Lamont was moved on and upwards first , in 1981 , and Moore was left to languish for a further two years at Energy .sx But then , before you could say 'Yes Margaret ; No Margaret ; Three Bags Full Margaret' it was Moore who was in the Cabinet and being fingered for the succession .sx John Moore was , of course , similarly ambitious - although he , too , denies this now .sx Indeed , he not only denies ambition , he does not accept that he was ignominiously sacked when Mrs Thatcher rather latterly discovered that he perhaps didn't have what it takes .sx He now tells people that it is not true that he was sacked ; on the contrary , he had told Mrs Thatcher some two months previously that he wished to leave the Government at a time suitable to her .sx I mention this merely as a matter of historical curiosity - not least because the Moore version does not exactly correspond with the recollection of those involved at the time ( like civil servants in the Department of Social Security ) - and we have not yet , I believe , been blessed with the official Moore memoirs .sx There was something therefore of the tortoise and the hare about these two ambitious young politicians , and the fable has certainly paid off in career terms for Lamont .sx Yet even he must be surprised at finding himself just where he is in the Government now - compared , say , to a year ago when he was Chief Secretary , a relative Cabinet new boy and considered one of the few remaining Thatcherite loyalists .sx The question that is being asked about the Chancellor , as well as of him , is if he can be believed when he speaks of this promised economic upturn .sx It's probably a question he asks himself , too .sx But I will enter a note in his defence :sx he has been saying privately for at least a year that the state of the economy would not permit a general election in 1991 and that if the Tories were to have any hope of holding onto power they would have to wait at least until the Spring of 1992 .sx In the meantime the Tories have to do their best to persuade the public that life will be that much worse under the Labour alternative .sx This is all right in principle but difficult in practice .sx It is all very well for the Treasury to work out various horror scenarios of the cost of Labour's spending plans - such as they have been admitted - but it is difficult to alarm the Great British Public about the prospects if their current economic sense of well-being is still in question .sx There is a view around , however , that the reason that Labour's lead in the opinion polls has fallen back in the last few weeks is because of a recognition of the very real possibility of a Labour Government .sx The Tories were actually doing so badly that the electorate got quite scared .sx This has given rise to an adaptation of the motto of the SAS .sx ..'Who Scares Wins .sx ' .sx It is a matter of wonder what on earth President Gorbachev must think of the British Parliament - not to mention the effective workings of democracy - as a result of his visit to the terrace of the House of Commons .sx In all politeness it has to be admitted that the three Labour MPs he met - Dennis Skinner , Dennis Canavan and Ron Brown - while all possessing , no doubt , distinctive personal attributes , could never be described as representative of the parliamentary Labour Party .sx Mr Gorbachev is likely to have been rather puzzled by the warning from Mr Skinner that many of the people to whom he was talking had been trying to bomb him to bits for the last forty years and by the assurance from Mr Brown that there were still a few socialists around in Britain .sx Was Mr Brown trying to get at Mr Kinnock , for example ?sx Or at Mr Gorbachev himself ?sx The Soviet President is , after all , trying to persuade his people to forsake Marxism in favour of free enterprise at this very time .sx And then there were the Tories .sx Although Mr Gorbachev's visit to the Commons had been arranged at the last minute and in top secret , it caused little surprise that as he made his way down the Terrace , two of the most unctuous Tory MPs , Sir Peter Emery and Mr Patrick Cormack , were on the spot to smile and bow and shake the famous hand .sx It had already been anticipated that Mr Anthony Beaumont-Dark , who is no slacker in the self-promotion department , might have got wind of the event - in which case it had been placed to divert him with a cruelly false message that a television crew was anxiously awaiting an interview with him outside the front of the Palace of Westminster .sx The main concern of Commons' officials , however , was how to get six huge Soviet Zils in and out of Speaker's Court without causing a chaotic political traffic jam which might prevent Mr Gorbachev either reaching his destination or , later , getting out again .sx The Sovs insisted that he couldn't travel in less than six cars and they got their way .sx The drivers just about had enough time to get the cars turned round before the motorcade set off again .sx On bended Japanese .sx Now our most fierce competitor is laid so low it's time for some serious schadenfreude .sx Oofy Prosser .sx Nobody could possibly accuse Oofy of xenophobia .sx Heavens , no .sx I'm a businessman and in the modern world there is no room for that sort of prejudice .sx I am just as keen to fleece foreigners as I am my own countrymen .sx But I confess to a slight frisson at seeing how the financial crisis is widening in Japan .sx Surely every UK businessman who has to compete with the fiendish Japs will secretly be punching the air with joy as he reads , over his cornflakes , of the mess in which the financial community is now mired .sx There have not only been more resignations at Nomura , one of the big four at the top of the can of worms when it was opened but also reports about a score of smaller securities houses having to reimburse clients for losses made on trading .sx Let's face it , the whole system of theirs is , by our standards - even by my standards - completely corrupt .sx With the Japanese now being given staggeringly generous financial incentives by our own bloody Government to set up over here and attack us directly in our home market , things are looking pretty bleak on the Nip front at the moment .sx But I have good news .sx It is well known that the only way the Japs can persuade any executive to move overseas is to site the plant near a golf course .sx But the financial crisis has had its effect on Japan's golf clubs .sx In under a year and a half , the index of golf club membership fees ( yes , they actually have an index ) has fallen by a third and shows no sign of levelling out , while one of the biggest dealers in club memberships has just gone bust ( can you believe that it's the fourth biggest company failure ever ) .sx With prices plummeting , even quite lowly Japanese management will now be able to afford to play golf at home .sx They will no longer desire to take foreign postings and , without management to run their overseas plants , the Japs will have to shut up shop and go home .sx British industry's problems are solved .sx Indeed , if things carry on the way they are , we should be able to set up over there before too long , making sure that we join their golf clubs , wear silly clothes and take all day over one round .sx How sweet is revenge !sx .sx John-Boy has got it all wrong with his Citizens' Charter .sx He no doubt thinks that it's an election winner , what with promising no more than a two-year wait to have a leg off , name badges for public sector employees , money back from British Rail when you buy your ticket , league tables for exam results and all the rest .sx But all John-Boy has done is fashion a rod for his own back .sx ( Not having been to public school , that probably wasn't his intention .sx ) But let's look at what might happen .sx The chances are that the whole thing will be a flop , like everything else the Government tries to do to improve the lot of Joe Citizen .sx All it will do is provide ammunition for the opposition to flay the Tories at the election .sx Let us suppose , just for one far-fetched minute , that the crazy thing works , that the trains begin running on time and that you can have your hernia seen to next week .sx Do you suppose that British people will be grateful ?sx Not a bit of it .sx What on earth will there be to grumble about if everything works properly .sx Complaining is getting difficult for ( and this has to be said ) BT and British Gas are not the crass utilities they once were .sx It's only the public sector that offers any scope for complaint these days and , if that is taken away , the British people will have lost their main sense of purpose in life .sx Grumbling is the only thing we do really well .sx Fortunately , the Charter looks like being a bit of a damp squib .sx When my PA rang up for my copy , the phone was answered straight away .sx Even for the dullest of privatisation issues , she had to contend with days of engaged signals .sx You mark my words .sx People don't want everything to work properly .sx The writing's on the wall for John-Boy and it'll be best for him if the council wait a while before sending somebody round to clean it off .sx Few private investors in this country seem aware that share certificates may soon be a thing of the past .sx Despite assurances from the DTI that investors will still be able to hold onto them under Taurus , at least for a while there can be few of us who will any longer give much credence to any statement from that particular Government department .sx Sad to say , it isn't only in the UK that paper proof of investments is disappearing .sx Merrill Lynch has just told its clients that from September it will demand $15 a time from investors who want certificates to go with their stocks or bonds .sx I was worried enough about the effects of Taurus on private investors .sx But after hearing recent tales of woe from some American investors , I am concerned that one difficulty investors will face in the future is in changing stockbrokers .sx Without certificates to prove ownership , brokers might be able , as in the States , to drag their heels with the paperwork .sx I am probably worrying unnecessarily and being unduly cynical .sx Everyone in the financial sector is honourable and believes the customer comes first , and goes first .sx It must be my imagination that the banks are occasionally less than helpful when a client wants to transfer his business to a competitor .sx