After putting the phone down , Christopher wept .sx " There must be something we can do .sx Something .sx Has to be .sx He's my son .sx ..I can't help feeling it's all our fault .sx " .sx " Isaac would be delighted to hear you say so , but you know it's nonsense .sx He was always gay .sx We were too thick to notice .sx He didn't turn gay because we left him .sx Let's go out and buy him some wonderful presents and air-express them to the clinic .sx Florence is so marvellous for shopping .sx .. " Things twisted in my hands again .sx I meant to be kind , but something went wrong .sx " .sx ..And I need some new shoes .sx And a bag .sx And some novels .sx And then let's go to a gallery .sx Let's not go all mopey .sx Let's get going .sx " .sx Christopher never came to terms with Isaac's illness .sx I think it always puzzled him , as if he could never quite believe that each stage in the process was irrevocable , and this thinner , iller , older person was actually his clumsy , chubby son .sx I think he half-thought that one day the old Isaac would ring and say it was all a mistake , he wasn't ill , he wasn't gay .sx I gave up trying to educate him .sx It irritated me ; alienated me .sx We were going through a bad patch in any case .sx Not a patch , a tunnel , a long dark night , as month after month proved he was a failure - we were a failure ; we couldn't conceive .sx - I was a failure , deep-down I knew it , but I never admitted it to Christopher , it was too hideously dangerous to show my weakness .sx Marriage is a battle for survival , always ; be strong and win , or go to the wall .sx In the end it was Christopher who went to the wall .sx Since one of us had to , I'm glad it was him .sx He sat in the dark watching endless movies , he sat and stared at ghosts on the wall .sx But I didn't let Isaac go to the wall alone .sx It was an old debt ; I hadn't long to pay it .sx Now I became the one who suggested meetings , who noticed the weeks were creeping by , while Chris was absent and forgetful , and silent when I talked about Isaac .sx We couldn't talk to each other about it ; we talked to each other less and less .sx I knew we were coming to the end of the road , we were running out of life as the century did .sx .. Yet Chris was my companion , my friend , my brother .sx If I lost him , I had no one else .sx That was the awful truth , there was no one else .sx We had left them all behind , you see .sx We had cast ourselves off into emptiness .sx In the middle of the night we clung dumbly together and fucked without passion , without hope ; blind , wordless , regular , like moles grinding in their dark bunker ( but I love the light ; I'm a creature of day , and by day we couldn't meet each other's eyes and ate in silence like embittered pensioners) .sx We weren't talking about my pregnancy either , my absent pregnancy , my vanishing babies .sx I dreamed about them night after night .sx They vanished like dolls I had dropped in drawers , getting smaller and smaller as I searched for them with growing guilt and panic .sx I had one , cradled it , dropped it , picked it up and found it was no longer alive , its face was hard plastic or it had no face , as I stared it slipped yet again through my fingers , the carpet was covered with broken dolls , babies I'd been given but failed to look after , failed to love , failed , failed .sx I started to dream about Stuart again ; he was ten years younger than Christopher ; in life we had never fucked unprotected , but in dreams we fucked hungrily for a baby , in dream after dream Stuart made me pregnant and I woke orgasmic , on a crest of happiness , only to feel it trickle away , slipping away between my damp thighs .sx .. But Christopher did make me pregnant .sx That's twice he did it , twenty years apart , two pregnancies ending in nothing , nothing .sx But no one can deny I got pregnant again ; that at least they can't take away .sx .. Surely I can bear to think about it now , now I know I'm going to have a daughter .sx - I did get pregnant .sx I'm not deluded .sx I was forty-nine ; that's quite an achievement .sx So fuck that rat bitch gynaecologist .sx I tested my urine twenty times , it made me so happy to be positive .sx I was positive !sx It was wonderful !sx No shadow of doubt infected my joy .sx I was furious with Chris when his response was muted .sx " What's the matter with you ?sx It's such wonderful news !sx It's a scientific test , we have to believe it .sx A little baby to travel with us .sx A little baby for us to play with .sx Baby , baby , baby .sx .. Oh fuck , I can't bear to look at your miserable face .sx " .sx " Look for God's sake , Alex , of course I'm happy , but you're forty-nine , and only five weeks' pregnant , I just hope everything goes right .sx You haven't got there yet , I dread disappointment .sx .. " .sx I admit I was unreasonable .sx " Shut up !sx Shut up !sx You'll bring bad luck !sx You don't want me to be pregnant , you're hateful , hateful .sx .. we should tell the family .sx I want them to know .sx " .sx But the doubt had been sown , the little bad seed , and perhaps where it enters , disaster grows .sx I think I blamed Chris for what happened , though I'm wiser now , I am wiser now .sx .. It got to ten and a half weeks .sx I said it was eleven , but it wasn't .sx Nearly three months , I told myself , and anyone else who would listen , strangers , waitresses , whoever I could find , the fact of my pregnancy had to be shared , perhaps because I could hardly believe it , perhaps because I feared it would end .sx .. I had a deep need to tell 'the family' but alas , there was no family to tell .sx Doubtless my family had families by now ; I had never been told ; we had lost each other .sx My great mute solid pair of sibs , left in the past , stranded in the past .sx Or perhaps I was stranded , for they were still together , sharing their children , I suppose , playing aunts and uncles and nephews and nieces .sx But not with me .sx Never with me .sx .. - I wished we had friends , I remember that .sx I wrote to Mary , and trembled as I posted it .sx She was always so solid , so gloriously maternal , one might have assumed she had six children .sx I think I feared she would disbelieve it ; I think I felt she would see straight through me .sx Dear Mary , .sx Surprise , surprise !sx Your old friend Alexandra is nearly three months pregnant , and we are both so delighted about it .sx .. .sx Ten-and-a-half weeks isn't nearly three months .sx You grow less honest when you're mad with desire , and I longed for that baby with a monomanic love I have never felt before or since .sx Oh I wish the pregnancy had lasted longer , though everyone says late miscarriage is worse .sx .. if it had lasted longer it would have been more real .sx I would have had something , even if I lost it .sx Ten-and-a-half weeks is nothing to the medics .sx " It's a good job it didn't go any further , " said the doctor .sx " It's nature's way , you know .sx " .sx - The profession is full of idiots , who should be muzzled , or preferably shot .sx But my anger was partly in abeyance , then .sx Most of what they said seemed to be beamed towards me from the other side of a huge sheet of glass ; I was recording it all instead of talking back , only the very worst outrages made me talk back .sx Most of the time I just stared at them , numb , which is not like me , not like me at all .sx I was not like me .sx Part of me was dead .sx I began to bleed one day in a car which was rattling through the hot Turkish hills .sx We'd had sex the night before ; at first I just thought it was a leak of sperm , Christopher always had a lot of sperm even if it couldn't make live babies .sx .. Christopher felt too depressed to drive , since the latest reports from Isaac were bad , and I didn't want to bother , so we sat in the back of an old hire-car , suffering the driving of a crazy local .sx The roof of the car had been rolled back ; the heat was intense , even through my straw hat , the road ahead shimmered and slurred in the heat ; we threw up a cloud of dust and small stones ; every now and then a fly whined by and was sucked into the past with dizzy speed ; there was dust and resin in my mouth and lungs and ever since then I have never smelled pines without a cramping sense of dread .sx All of a sudden I was afraid .sx " Ask him to pull in to the side of the road , " I told Christopher .sx We screeched to a halt and I got out alone .sx In the trees it was stunningly dark and quiet after the rattling blaze of the open road .sx Once my eyes adjusted , it was beautiful ; a few narrow sunbeams pierced the gloom ; perfect yellow flowers underfoot , like buttercups but the leaves were wrong , the gold heads sang in a small pool of sunlight , telling me everything was still all right , but I looked all the same and there was blood , at least it's dark , that can't be so dangerous , but as I crouched there a bright splash fell .sx - I remember I thought funeral wreath .sx They were mourning flowers , I knew they were .sx I walked back to the car like an old woman , trying to walk without moving too much , trying to protect the thing I carried .sx All at once it seemed infinitely fragile , infinitely open to our hurts .sx I asked the driver to go back to the hotel and screamed at him when he drove too fast ; at every bump I winced and clutched Christopher , suffering the baby's imagined pain .sx The doctor who examined me was reassuring .sx His English was good ; he flattered me , unable to believe I was forty-nine ; he said there was often a small amount of bleeding ; I could rest if I chose to , but it wasn't essential .sx There was no point in tests .sx We had to wait and see .sx I lay in bed for five whole days , I who could never bear to be still .sx Not far from my window a mournful bell rang out the hours ; I lay and counted , lay very still in bed and prayed .sx When I lay still the bleeding stopped .sx My spirits rose ; I hoped again .sx For twenty-four hours my towels were clean .sx Whiteness , cleanness was wonderful .sx I didn't read , didn't want to read , I became a still deep well of longing , a bowl of hope , perfectly blank .sx I talked to the baby , stroked my belly .sx " I want you .sx I love you .sx Hang on , please .sx I'll do anything to keep you safe .sx " I couldn't talk to Chris ; he was blank and closed ; he dumbly brought me whatever I asked for , then went away and drank ; I talked to the baby , talked to myself .sx After five days I got up again and the sad , slow bleeding started at once , stopping and starting , brown not fresh .sx I lay down again ; it was driving me mad .sx " Let's fly back to London , " I said .sx " The best gynaecologist .sx Stay at the Savoy .sx That's quite convenient for Harley Street .sx " .sx But things had ceased to follow my plan .sx I was destined to stay in hospital , flat on my back in the single bed , weeping into the stiff linen pillow , in a room full of florist's funeral flowers .sx Christopher came with me for the ultrasound scan .sx First of all they listened for the heartbeat ; there was a loud , long crackle like snow falling on all the telephone wires in the world , all of them listening for sounds of life ; to me it sounded intensely alive , and hope surged hotly through me again .sx