Rivers hesitated .sx " Taking unnecessary risks is one of the first signs of a war neurosis .sx " .sx " Is it ?sx " Sassoon looked down at his hands .sx " I didn't know that .sx " .sx " Nightmares and hallucinations come later .sx " .sx " What's an 'unnecessary risk' anyway ?sx The maddest thing I ever did was done under orders .sx " He looked up , to see if he should continue .sx " We were told to go and get the regimental badges off a German corpse .sx They reckoned he'd been dead two days , so obviously if we got the badges they'd know which battalion was opposite .sx Full moon , not a cloud in sight , absolutely mad , but off we went .sx Well , we got there - eventually - and what do we find ?sx He's been dead a helluva lot longer than two days , and he's French anyway .sx " .sx " So what did you do ?sx " .sx " Pulled one of his boots off and sent it back to battalion HQ .sx With quite a bit of his leg left inside .sx " .sx Rivers allowed another silence to open up .sx " I gather we're not going to talk about nightmares ?sx " .sx " You're in charge .sx " .sx " Ye-es .sx But then one of the paradoxes of being an army psychiatrist is that you don't actually get very far by ordering your patients to be frank .sx " .sx " I'll be as frank as you like .sx I did have nightmares when I first got back from France .sx I don't have them now .sx " .sx " And the hallucinations ?sx " .sx He found this more difficult .sx " It was just that when I woke up , the nightmares didn't always stop .sx So I used to see .sx .. " A deep breath .sx " Corpses .sx Men with half their faces shot off , crawling across the floor .sx " .sx " And you were awake when this happened ?sx " .sx " I don't know .sx I must've been , because I could see the sister .sx " .sx " And was this always at night ?sx " .sx " No .sx It happened once during the day .sx I'd been to my club for lunch , and when I came out I sat on a bench , and .sx .. I suppose I must've nodded off .sx " He was forcing himself to go on .sx " When I woke up , the pavement was covered in corpses .sx Old ones , new ones , black , green .sx " His mouth twisted .sx " People were treading on their faces .sx " .sx " Yes .sx I used to sleep quite a bit during the day , because I was afraid to go to sleep at night .sx " .sx " When did all this stop ?sx " .sx " As soon as I left the hospital .sx The atmosphere in that place was really terrible .sx There was one man who used to boast about killing German prisoners .sx You can imagine what living with him was like .sx " .sx " And the nightmares haven't recurred ?sx " .sx " No .sx I do dream , of course , but not about the war .sx Sometimes a dream seems to go on after I've woken up , so there's a kind of in-between stage .sx " He hesitated .sx " I don't know whether that's abnormal .sx " .sx " I hope not .sx It happens to me all the time .sx " Rivers sat back in his chair .sx " When you look back now on your time in the hospital , do you think you were 'shell-shocked' ?sx " .sx " I don't know .sx Somebody who came to see me told my uncle he thought I was .sx As against that , I wrote one or two good poems while I was in there .sx We-ell .sx .. " He smiled .sx " I was pleased with them .sx " .sx " You don't think it's possible to write a good poem in a state of shock ?sx " .sx " No , I don't .sx " .sx Rivers nodded .sx " You may be right .sx Would it be possible for me to see them ?sx " .sx " Yes , of course .sx I'll copy them out .sx " .sx Rivers said , " I'd like to move on now to the .sx .. thinking behind the Declaration .sx You say your motives aren't religious ?sx " .sx " No , not at all .sx " .sx " Would you describe yourself as a pacifist ?sx " .sx " I don't think so .sx I can't possibly say ' No war is ever justified' , because I haven't thought about it enough .sx Perhaps some wars are .sx Perhaps this one was when it started .sx I just don't think our war aims - whatever they may be - and we don't know - justify this level of slaughter .sx " .sx " And you say you have thought about your qualifications for saying that ?sx " .sx " Yes .sx I'm only too well aware of how it sounds .sx A second-lieutenant , no less , saying 'The war must stop' .sx On the other hand , I have been there .sx I'm at least as well qualified as some of the old men you see sitting around in clubs , cackling on about 'attrition' and 'wastage of manpower' and .sx .. " His voice became a vicious parody of an old man's voice .sx " ' Lost heavily in that last scrap .sx ' You don't talk like that if you've watched them die .sx " .sx " No intelligent or sensitive person would talk like that anyway .sx " .sx A slightly awkward pause .sx " I'm not saying there are no exceptions .sx " .sx Rivers laughed .sx " The point is you hate civilians , don't you ?sx The 'callous' , the 'complacent' , the 'unimaginative' .sx Or is 'hate' too strong a word ?sx " .sx " No .sx " .sx " So .sx What you felt for the Germans , rather briefly , in the spring of last year , you now feel for the overwhelming majority of your fellow-countrymen ?sx " .sx " Yes .sx " .sx " You know , I think you were quite right not to say too much to the Board .sx " .sx " That wasn't my idea , it was Graves's .sx He was afraid I'd sound too sane .sx " .sx " When you said the Board was 'rigged' , what did you mean ?sx " .sx " I meant the decision to send me here , or or sic !sx somewhere similar , had been taken before I went in .sx " .sx " And this had all been fixed by Captain Graves ?sx " .sx " Yes .sx " Sassoon leant forward .sx " The point is they weren't going to court-martial me .sx They were just going to lock me up somewhere .sx .. " He looked round the room .sx " Worse than this .sx " .sx Rivers smiled .sx " There are worse places , believe me .sx " .sx " I'm sure there are , " Sassoon said politely .sx " They were going to certify you , in fact ?sx " .sx " I suppose so .sx " .sx " Did anybody on the Board say anything to you about this ?sx " .sx " No , because it was - " .sx " All fixed beforehand .sx Yes , I see .sx " .sx Sassoon said , " May I ask you a question ?sx " .sx " Go ahead " .sx " Do you think I'm mad ?sx " .sx " No , of course you're not mad .sx Did you think you were going mad ?sx " .sx " It crossed my mind .sx You know when you're brought face to face with the fact that , yes , you did see corpses on the pavement .sx .. " .sx " Hallucinations in the half-waking state are surprisingly common , you know .sx They're not the same thing as psychotic hallucinations .sx Children have them quite frequently .sx " .sx Sassoon had started pulling at a loose thread on the breast of his tunic .sx Rivers watched him for a while .sx " You must've been in agony when you did that .sx " .sx Sassoon lowered his hand .sx " No-o .sx Agony's lying in a shell-hole with your legs shot off .sx I was upset .sx " For a moment he looked almost hostile , then he relaxed .sx " It was a futile gesture .sx I'm not particularly proud of it .sx " .sx " You threw it in the Mersey , didn't you ?sx " .sx " Yes .sx It wasn't heavy enough to sink , so it just " - a glint of amusement - " bobbed around .sx There was a ship sailing past , quite a long way out , in the estuary , and I looked at this little scrap of ribbon floating and I looked at the ship , and I thought that me trying to stop the war was a bit like trying to stop the ship would have been .sx You know , all they'd've seen from the deck was this little figure jumping up and down , waving its arms , and they wouldn't've known what on earth it was getting so excited about .sx " .sx " So you realized then that it was futile ?sx " .sx Sassoon lifted his head .sx " It still had to be done .sx You can't just acquiesce .sx " .sx Rivers hesitated .sx " Look , I think , we've .sx .. we've got about as far as we can get today .sx You must be very tired .sx " He stood up .sx " I'll see you tomorrow morning at ten .sx Oh , and could you ask Captain Graves to see me as soon as he arrives ?sx " .sx Sassoon stood up .sx " You said a bit back you didn't think I was mad .sx " .sx " I'm quite sure you're not .sx As a matter of fact I don't even think you've got a war neurosis .sx " .sx Sassoon digested this .sx " What have I got , then ?sx " .sx " You seem to have a very powerful anti -war neurosis .sx " .sx They looked at each other and laughed .sx Rivers said , " You realize , don't you , that it's my duty to .sx .. to try to change that ?sx I can't pretend to be neutral .sx " .sx Sassoon's glance took in both their uniforms .sx " No , of course not .sx " .sx Rivers made a point of sitting next to Bryce at dinner .sx " Well , " Bryce said , " what did you make of him ?sx " .sx " I can't find anything wrong .sx He doesn't show any sign of depression , he's not excited - " .sx " Physically ?sx " .sx " Nothing .sx " .sx " Perhaps he just doesn't want to be killed .sx " .sx " Oh , I think he'd be most insulted if you suggested that .sx To be fair , he did have a job lined up in Cambridge , training cadets - so it isn't a question of avoiding being sent back .sx He could've taken that if he'd wanted to save his skin .sx " .sx " Any trace of .sx .. er .sx .. religious enthusiasm ?sx " .sx " No , I'm afraid not .sx I was hoping for that too .sx " .sx They looked at each other , amused .sx " You know , the curious thing is I don't think he's even a pacifist ?sx It seems to be entirely a matter of of sic !sx horror at the extent of the slaughter , combined with a feeling of anger that the government won't state its war aims and impose some kind of limitation on the whole thing .sx That , and an absolutely corrosive hatred of civilians .sx And noncombatants in uniform .sx " .sx " What an uncomfortable time you must've had .sx " .sx " No-o , I rather gather I was seen as an exception .sx " .sx Bryce looked amused .sx " Did you like him ?sx " .sx " Yes , very much .sx And I found him .sx .. much more impressive than I expected .sx " .sx Sassoon , at his table under the window , sat in silence .sx The men on either side of him stammered so badly that conversation would have been impossible , even if he had wished for it , but he was content to withdraw into his own thoughts .sx He remembered the day before Arras , staggering from the outpost trench to the main trench and back again , carrying boxes of trench mortar bombs , passing the same corpses time after time , until their twisted and blackened shapes began to seem like old friends .sx At one point he'd had to pass two hands sticking up out of a heap of pocked and pitted chalk , like the roots of an overturned tree .sx No way of telling if they were British or German hands .sx No way of persuading himself it mattered .sx .sx " Do you play golf ?sx .sx " I'm sorry ?sx " .sx " I asked if you played golf .sx " .sx Small blue eyes , nibbled gingery moustache , an RAMC badge .sx He held out his hand .sx " Ralph Anderson .sx " .sx Sassoon shook hands and introduced himself .sx " Yes , I do .sx " .sx " What's your handicap ?sx " .sx Sassoon told him .sx After all , why not ?sx It seemed an entirely suitable topic for Bedlam .sx " Ah , then we might have a game .sx " .sx " I'm afraid I haven't brought my clubs .sx " .sx " Send for them .sx Some of the best courses in the country round here .sx " .sx Sassoon had opened his mouth to reply when a commotion started near the door .sx As far as he could tell , somebody seemed to have been sick .sx At any rate , a thin , yellow-skinned man was on his feet , choking and gagging .sx A couple of VADs ran across to him , clucking , fussing , flapping ineffectually at his tunic with a napkin , until eventually they had the sense to get him out of the room .sx The swing doors closed behind them .sx A moment's silence , and then , as if nothing had happened , the buzz of conversation rose again .sx Rivers stood up and pushed his plate away .sx " I think I'd better go .sx " .sx " Why not wait till you've finished ?sx " Bryce said .sx " You eat little enough as it is .sx " .sx Rivers patted his midriff .sx " Oh , I shan't fade away just yet .sx " .sx Whenever Rivers wanted to get to the top floor without being stopped half a dozen times on the way , he used the back staircase .sx Pipes lined the walls , twisting with the turning of the stair , gurgling from time to time like lengths of human intestine .sx It was dark , the air stuffy , and sweat began to prickle in the roots of his hair .sx It was a relief to push the swing door open and come out on to the top corridor , where the air was cool at least , though he never failed to be depressed by the long narrow passage with its double row of brown doors and the absence of natural light .sx