NINE " MARTYN IS COMING over for lunch again on Sunday .sx I think he's got something to tell us .sx " .sx " What ?sx " .sx " I hope it's not that he is going to marry Anna , but I fear that it is .sx " .sx " Marry her ?sx " .sx " Yes .sx There was something in his voice .sx Oh , I don't know .sx I may be wrong .sx " .sx " He can't marry her .sx " Why do those we have loved half our lives not know when devastation threatens ?sx How can they simply not know ?sx " Good God , you sound like a Victorian father .sx He's over twenty-one .sx He can do what he likes .sx I don't like that girl .sx But I know Martyn .sx If he wants her , he will have her .sx He's got your father's determination .sx " .sx I noticed she did not say mine .sx " Well , we must all wait until Sunday , " she sighed .sx The conversation was over .sx My thoughts went wildly into battle with each other .sx I was wounded , defended myself , and fought myself again .sx Silently , while I pretended to read , on and on the battle raged .sx I was engulfed by anger and fear .sx Fear that I would never get control of myself again .sx That I was now uprooted .sx And by a storm of such force that even if there was a dim possibility of survival , I would be permanently damaged , permanently weakened .sx I had not spoken .sx I had not touched , I had not possessed .sx But I had recognised her .sx And in her , had recognised myself .sx I needed to get out of the house and walk .sx The forced stillness of the room was agony .sx The pain could only be borne by constant , endless movement .sx I touched Ingrid's forehead briefly , and I left the house .sx How can you not know ?sx Can't you sense , smell , taste disaster waiting in the corners of the house ?sx Waiting at the bottom of the garden .sx I was exhausted when I returned .sx I slept like some heavy animal , uncertain if it can ever rise again .sx TEN " HELLO , IT'S ANNA .sx " .sx I waited quietly .sx Knowing that in my life there was now an end and a beginning .sx Not knowing where the beginning would end .sx " Where are you ?sx Go to your house .sx I will be there in an hour , " I said .sx I took the address and put down the phone .sx There are hidden enclaves in London of creamy houses , rich with discretion .sx In the deep oily blackness of the door I watched the outline of my body as I pressed the bell , and waited to enter Anna's small , low and to me mysterious house .sx We made no sound as we moved down the honey - coloured carpet of the hall .sx We went into her sitting - room and lay down on the floor .sx She flung her arms out , each side of her , and she drew her legs up .sx I lay down on her .sx I sank my head on her shoulder .sx I thought of Christ , still nailed to the cross , which had been laid on the earth .sx Then with one hand grasping her hair ; I entered her .sx And there we lay .sx Not speaking , not stirring until finally I moved my face across hers , and kissed her .sx And at last the age-old ritual possessed us , and I bit and tore and held her , round and round , as we rose and fell , rose and fell into the wilderness .sx Later there would be time for the pain and pleasure lust lends to love .sx Time for body lines and angles that provoke the astounded primitive to leap delighted from the civilised skin , and tear the woman to him , There would be time for words obscene and dangerous .sx There would be time for cruel laughter to excite , and for ribbons colourfully to bind limbs to a sickening , thrilling subjugation .sx There would be time for flowers to put out the eyes , and for silken softness to close the ears .sx And time also in that dark and silent world for the howl of the lonely man , who had feared eternal exile .sx Even if we had never come together again , my life would have been lost in contemplation of the emerging skeleton beneath my skin .sx It was as though a man's bones broke through the face of the werewolf .sx Shining with humanity he stalked through his midnight life towards the first day .sx We bathed separately .sx I left alone , without speaking .sx I walked the long walk home .sx I stared at Ingrid as she came to greet me and muttered something about needing to rest for a few hours .sx I undressed and lay on the bed , and was instantly asleep .sx I slept through until morning , twelve hours , a kind of death perhaps .sx ELEVEN " LAMB OR BEEF ?sx " asked Ingrid .sx " What ?sx " .sx " Lamb or beef ?sx Sunday lunch , Martyn and Anna .sx " .sx " Oh .sx Whatever you think .sx " .sx " Lamb then .sx Good , that's settled .sx " .sx Anna wore white at lunch .sx It made her appear larger .sx The suggested innocence of the simple white dress disturbed my other vision of her .sx It broke my memory of her dark power .sx She was her other self ; the self that dealt carefully with Ingrid , winning at least a grudging respect from her ; that gazed openly at Martyn ; that calmly spoke to me of food , flowers , and weather ; spoke so well , that none could have guessed the truth .sx If Ingrid had expected an announcement , there was none forthcoming .sx They left at four , having refused tea .sx " Martyn seemed tense , I thought .sx " Ingrid had begun the ritual post-mortem .sx " Really , I didn't notice .sx " .sx " No ?sx Well , he did .sx He looks at her in a slightly pleading fashion .sx No doubt who's the lover and the loved there .sx She seemed a bit less strange .sx More open , more friendly .sx Could have been the white dress , I suppose .sx White always disarms one .sx " .sx Clever Ingrid , I thought , how you can surprise me .sx " Maybe it will all peter out .sx Oh God , I do hope so .sx I really couldn't bear the idea of Anna as a daughter-in-law .sx Could you ?sx " .sx I paused .sx The idea seemed too preposterous .sx An alien concept outside the bounds of possibility .sx But the question demanded an answer .sx " No , I suppose not , " I said .sx We left it there .sx TWELVE I bathed Anna's face , which was raw and damp , and squeezing the sponge let the water run through her hair .sx For hours , we had fought a battle with the barricades of the body .sx The battle over , I lay beside her .sx " Anna , please .sx .. talk to me .sx .. who are you ?sx " .sx There was a long silence .sx " I am what you desire , " she said .sx " No .sx That's not what I meant .sx " .sx " No ?sx But to you , that's what I am .sx To others I am something else .sx " .sx " Others ?sx Something else ?sx " .sx " Martyn .sx My mother , my father .sx " A long pause .sx " My family .sx Friends of my past , my present .sx It's the same for everyone .sx For you as well .sx " .sx " Does Martyn know more ?sx Has he met your parents , your family ?sx " .sx " No .sx He asked me once .sx I told him to love me as though he knew me .sx And if he could not - well , then .sx .. " .sx " Who are you ?sx " .sx " Do you have to ask ?sx Oh well , it's simple .sx My mother's name is Elizabeth Hunter .sx She is the second wife of Wilbur Hunter , the writer .sx She lives happily with Wilbur on the West Coast of America .sx I haven't seen her for two years .sx This causes me no pain , nor , I believe , does it distress her .sx We write occasionally .sx I phone at Christmas , Easter and birthdays .sx My father was a diplomat .sx I travelled a great deal as a child .sx I went to school in Sussex , spent my holidays anywhere and everywhere .sx I was not upset when my parents divorced .sx My father , though apparently distressed at the time of my mother's affair with Wilbur , recovered sufficiently to marry a 35-year-old widow with two children .sx They have since produced a daughter , Amelia .sx I visit them occasionally in Devon .sx " .sx " Were you an only child ?sx " .sx " No .sx " .sx I waited .sx " I had a brother .sx Aston .sx He committed suicide by slashing his wrists and throat in the bathroom of our apartment in Rome .sx No chance of misinterpretation .sx It was not a cry for help .sx No one knew why at the time .sx I shall tell you .sx He suffered from an unrequited love of me .sx I tried to soothe him with my body .sx .. " she paused , then continued in staccato , " his pain , my foolishness .sx .. our confusion .sx .. He killed himself .sx Understandably .sx That is my story , simply told .sx Please do not ask again .sx I have told you in order to issue a warning .sx I have been damaged .sx Damaged people are dangerous .sx They know they can survive .sx " .sx For a long time we were silent .sx " Why did you say 'understandably' Aston killed himself ?sx " .sx " Because I understand .sx I carry that knowledge within me .sx It is not a treasure that I jealously guard .sx Simply a story I did not wish to tell , about a boy you have never known .sx " .sx " That makes you dangerous ?sx " .sx " All damaged people are dangerous .sx Survival makes them so .sx " .sx " Why ?sx " .sx " Because they have not pity .sx They know that others can survive , as they did .sx " .sx " But you have warned me .sx " .sx " Yes .sx " .sx " Was that not an act of pity ?sx " .sx " No .sx You have gone so far down the road that all warnings are now useless .sx I will feel better for having told you .sx Though the timing is wrong .sx " .sx " And Martyn ?sx " .sx " Martyn does not need a warning .sx " .sx " Why not ?sx " .sx " Because Martyn asks no questions .sx He is content with me .sx He allows me my secrets .sx " .sx " And if he found out the truth ?sx " .sx " What truth ?sx " .sx " You and I. " .sx " That truth .sx There are other truths .sx " .sx " You seem to ascribe to Martyn qualities of self - sufficiency and maturity I have not noticed .sx " .sx " No .sx You haven't noticed .sx " .sx " And if you are wrong about him ?sx " .sx " That would be a tragedy .sx " .sx Of her body I have little to say .sx It was simply essential .sx I could not bear the absence of it .sx Pleasure was an incidental .sx I threw myself on her , as on to the earth .sx I forced all parts of her to feed my need and watched her grow larger and more powerful , the more she provided .sx Hungry , I would hold her at a distance by hair or breast , sick with anger that I could have what I wanted .sx And round every meeting with her spun a ribbon of certainty that my life had already ended .sx It had ended in the split second of my first sight of her .sx It was time out of life .sx Like an acid it ran through all the years behind me , burning and destroying .sx THIRTEEN I HAD OPENED A DOOR to a secret vault .sx Its treasures were immense .sx Its price would be terrible .sx I knew all the defences I had built so carefully - wife , children , home , vocation - were ramparts built on sand .sx With no knowledge of any other path I had made my journey through the years , seeking and clinging to landmarks of normality .sx Did I always know of this secret room ?sx Was my sin basically one of untruthfulness ?sx Or , more likely , one of cowardice ?sx But the liar knows the truth .sx The coward knows his fear and runs away .sx And if I had not met Anna ?sx Ah , what providence for those who suffered such devastation at my hand !sx .sx But I did meet Anna .sx And I had to , and I did open the door , and enter my own secret vault .sx I wanted my time on earth , now that I had heard the song that sings from head to toe ; and known the wildness that whirls the dancers past the gaze of shocked onlookers ; had fallen deeper and deeper and had soared higher and higher , into a single reality - the dazzling explosion into self .sx What lies are impossible ?sx What trust is so precious ?sx What responsibility is so great that it could deny this single chance in eternity to exist ?sx Alas for me , and for all who knew me , the answer was .sx .. none .sx To be brought into being by another , as I was by Anna , leads to strange , unthought-of needs .sx Breathing became more difficult without her .sx I literally felt I was being born .sx And because birth is always violent , I never looked for , nor ever found , gentleness .sx The outer reaches of our being are arrived at through violence .sx Pain turns into ecstasy .sx