And the terror struck again .sx She closed her eyes with the unmanageability of all she had to do without noticing that her terror , only moments before , had been because she had nothing to do .sx She was hungry .sx Well , it was practically lunchtime .sx She had noticed , on her way here yesterday , a fish and chip shop on the main road .sx She decided she needed something to eat before she began the awful tasks that lay ahead of her .sx Sylvie returned with her parcel of fish and chips .sx The curtains were still drawn .sx She left them that way and turned on the lights , declaring it night , although the day was bright and sunny outside .sx As far as she was concerned , it would be night .sx She wanted its safety and comfort .sx It was no more than a hope , some atavistic memory of rolling a stone across a cave entrance and watching the fire spring to life .sx Safe at last .sx Not so for Sylvie .sx The electrical brightness and the imagined darkness outside threw their own fearful shadow over her as she piled her fish and double portion of chips on to a plate and slumped with it into the armchair .sx The emptiness grew inside her in spite of the food she stuffed into her mouth .sx The void expanded and offered her a vista , once again , of a lifetime , an eternity , of nothing .sx That was the fear ; but , in truth , she knew she coped with that daily .sx There were ways of facing time .sx There was another fear , which combined with its impossible opposite , made everything intolerable , utterly insoluble .sx It was the terror of living , of doing anything , of filling the awful-enough void with activity .sx Between Sylvie's aversion to life and its doings , and her horror of what seemed an endless emptiness , there was no room for living at all .sx There was only panic that flickered madly between the one unspeakable option and the other .sx Somehow , the space between , which was where other people seemed to exist and get on with their lives , had been annihilated by the two monsters that fought for control .sx This was how it was for Sylvie .sx She had begun her day fearing the emptiness of the rest of her life .sx Now , the fear reversed .sx The thought of actually achieving the where - withal of a normal existence filled her with terror .sx What if they gave her the rent , a job , the child ?sx Having got those things she needed to lead an independent life , she would then be obliged to get on with it , to cope like everyone else .sx She knew she couldn't .sx Her head filled with images of things breaking down , or needing constant renewal - machines stopped working , sinks blocked and flooded , clothes needed repair and replacement , food ran out , a mouth that had to be fed every day , a body that grew and grew , to be clothed and cleaned , a voice that wanted things , stories , a cuddle , to know where something was .sx She wouldn't know where it was .sx Things would have to be put away in the right place so that they could be found again .sx Simple , practical activities that made life , in the long run , easier .sx But so many of them , so much , for so long .sx Day after day of being in charge of not letting things get out of hand .sx Daily routines , pushing the shopping trolley to the shops , school every morning if she got up in time , fetching every afternoon , in between sorting out , tidying up , renewing , going to work .sx .. For ever and ever , or until she was so old that there would be nothing left but waiting to die .sx Sylvie looked around the room .sx Clothes , towels , sheets , most of them , so far , clean ; things waiting to be put away lay on every surface .sx And she saw how it would be in just a few days' time .sx Newspapers to be thrown out , broken toys , dirty plates , overflowing ashtrays , empty wine and beer bottles , quarter-filled cups of cold tea or coffee .sx It wasn't that she wouldn't notice , at least some of the time , but she knew she wouldn't be able to do anything about it .sx Wouldn't know where to begin .sx And as it got worse , it would become all the more impossible .sx She had held off this nightmare by living a temporary life in other people's houses .sx They cleared up , paid the bills and kept everything going because they knew how to do it .sx She didn't .sx .sx She wanted her independence , and her child , in an abstract sort of way , but she didn't want the reality of a flat for which she was responsible , or a six-year-old who needed .sx .. and needed .sx .. and needed .sx She told herself that she feared these things because she just couldn't cope with the practical attention they required .sx She hadn't the experience .sx She was ready to admit that , it was clearly true .sx But in her guts , where she didn't have to think or give names to the feeling , she just didn't want them .sx She wanted only to be left alone and not to have to do or think about anything .sx That was what the juices inside her screamed , when faced with the prospect of getting what every adult was supposed to want .sx Fully inside her terror of a normal life , she shook with the horror of it , and knew what she really wanted :sx nothing , no plans , just a day-to-day vacuity .sx Until , of course , the thing came full circle and the horror of that overtook her to rack her with the other misery .sx She put the empty plate on the floor .sx Not possible to be like this , to live like this .sx Not possible , at any rate , to allow the day to continue .sx She had no idea of the time , but she went to the bedroom , dragging herself slowly , like a wounded creature , and pulled off her clothes , dropping them on the floor and picking up the nightie she had discarded an hour and a half before .sx She crawled into bed , huddling beneath the blankets .sx " Bastards .sx Bastards , " she whispered into her pillow .sx " They're all bastards .sx " .sx And in seconds she was asleep .sx The rent , the job , the child would have to wait .sx Sylvie fought her way through hours of excessive sleep .sx Sometime in the early hours of the next day she came fully awake , her body at least refreshed by fourteen hours of inactivity .sx Her mind howled , however , and demanded more unconsciousness .sx For a while Sylvie tossed and turned in the dark like a threatened rabbit desperately digging for a lost burrow .sx She gave up finally , and pushed back the covers to go in search of a bottle of Mogadon that she knew she had last seen in the bathroom , or possibly on the sofa under some clothes .sx In the living room , the bathroom proving fruitless , she heard the sound of pacing above her head .sx Slow footsteps moving up and down across the room upstairs .sx There were two floorboards that creaked each time a foot fell on them .sx Creak , creak .sx Creak , creak .sx The rhythm held .sx Six , seven , eight crossings and recrossings of the room .sx She wasn't the only one awake , then .sx Liam couldn't sleep either .sx Well , serve him right for waking her up this morning , Sylvie thought .sx Maybe she ought to go and offer him a Mog .sx That would be neighbourly .sx What's he got to worry about , she grumbled to herself , spilling a tablet , and then , thinking about it , a second , into her palm and heading for the bathroom .sx But there was an unacknowledged comfort in the sound of the regular padding upstairs .sx The evidence of another life warmed Sylvie slightly , though she hardly realized it .sx The sound of human footsteps signalled that she was not totally alone in the world , and everyone else dead in their sleep , or gone away suddenly .sx She wouldn't wake to an empty planet where some cataclysm had happened and no one thought to tell her .sx Even for Sylvie , for whom other people represented most of what made her life insufferable , something was better than nothing at all , and footsteps in the early hours of the morning provided solace of a sort .sx At last , Sylvie's pills began to take effect , so that in spite of her subversive anxiety ( " they're not working .sx .. they're not working .sx .. I'll never get to sleep .sx .. never .sx .. never sleep " ) , she realized her body and mind had grown heavy , as if soft , warm mist had descended , and she headed , semi-conscious and grateful , towards the tumbled haven of her bed .sx Finally , Liam felt the stunning weariness of his unrequited middle-aged lust fall on him with the suddenness of a lift coming to a stop at the basement of a high building .sx He stopped pacing , drank a long draught of water and barely had time to get into bed before blessed unconsciousness brought an end to another of his days .sx It took three days for Sylvie to gather the inner resources to go out and do what had to be done .sx Or rather to create the necessity .sx She was running out of money , and she had promised Liam that he could have the first week's rent before the weekend .sx Promises were easily broken , but she had to have money for food anyway .sx To get that she had to do everything else :sx tell social security that she was in permanent accommodation , get Divya back so that her social security benefit would increase , find a job so that she could have Divya back .sx Round and round .sx There was no way out of it , unless she could find another sofa to sleep on .sx But she discovered after a few phone calls that Sophie had rung people and told them she had organized a flat for her .sx Instead of offering her a bed , everybody congratulated Sylvie on having a place of her own .sx So there was nothing else for it , since she didn't have the energy to go away for long enough to be welcomed back to the sofas , she had to get on with her tasks .sx Sylvie marched down the road , her thick black curls bobbing against her hunched shoulders as if set in motion by an excess of the furious energy that pushed her forward along the street .sx She had worked this energy up for a whole morning , pacing up and down , playing music as loud as it would go , banging drawers shut , before setting out and slamming the front door as hard as she could to give herself a final spurt that would last until she reached her destination .sx It was either that or slouch , drop shouldered and leaden , through the streets to occasional male cries of " Cheer up , love , it may never happen !sx " These wouldn't be enticing calls .sx They were sneers from men who , having been rejected by or not daring to offer themselves to those they fancied on the street , could get their own back on a female too low in spirits to lift a haughty head and stare at them with contempt .sx The " it may never happen " meant , in reality , " it has happened , whatever brings a confident bitch down a peg or two , and we're delighted to see it " .sx But protection against the cries of men in the street was only a side - effect , the build-up of anger and energy was needed for when she got to where she was going .sx " Take a seat .sx We'll call you when it's your turn .sx " .sx It took an hour .sx Sylvie used the time to rehearse what she would say , over and over , and each time , as she imagined the answers , off-putting , downright rejection , the fury increased .sx By the time she was called , she had , in her imagination , been refused a dozen times in succession .sx The social security clerk behind the glass booth , listening to her demands and tone of voice for the first time , registered that the woman was unreasonable , hysterical , and altered his manner and decisions accordingly .sx For Sylvie , however , this was not only the culmination of her fantasy rejections over the last hour , but , realistically , the latest in a long series of such scenes that went back years .sx