Baby Love .sx JULIE BURCHILL .sx " THERE THERE , " SHE said , as she stroked his bulging brow .sx " Poor baby .sx Brave little soldier .sx Who's a brave little soldier for Mama ?sx " .sx Baby pointed a wobbly finger at his chest , not trusting his quivering lips to transmit the message .sx He lay across the bed , damp and distressed , a casualty of his own luxuriant daring .sx Baby had been showing off when disaster struck ; bouncing on the bed before attempting a death-defying leap on to the sofa .sx He had slipped and hurt his ankle ; she had bestowed a magic-mend kiss .sx Baby had been well pleased .sx " Baby have new hurt , " he announced now .sx " Kiss better .sx " .sx " Oh ?sx Where ?sx " .sx Baby laughed ; not his normal shrill squeal but a deep , dirty cackle , a dead ringer for that of Sid James contemplating Barbara Windsor's bosom .sx He lowered his pyjama bottoms to display a fully erect nine-inch penis , looking like something matrons from Montana would ooh and ahh over at Stonehenge .sx " There !sx " Baby cackled , grabbing her head and thrusting it up against his groin .sx Maria awoke to The Wonderful World of Disney blaring from the cable channel .sx Daniel lay on the sofa on his stomach , naked , a joint dangling from his lips and a can of cola fizzing in his hand , sniggering at the antics of a posse of unlikely mice .sx She groaned , pulling the pillow over her head .sx Then peeping out , she cased the room in one short guilty sweep , like a shoplifter sizing up her prey .sx My God , she thought , what a mess .sx Now they were on the point of packing up and checking out , she could visualise the room as it had been the day they arrived ; with cleanliness crackling like static from its fittings and fixtures , a room which seemed to hum , smug with satisfaction , at its ersatz elegance .sx It now looked as if a legion of Roman emperors , pursued by a package tour of heavy metal groups , had passed through it .sx It had been a whole seven days ago when Maria and Daniel arrived in Brighton ; it now seemed like nothing more than a slice of morning , a scoop of afternoon and a creamy dream - topping of night .sx They had dropped their suitcases and sat bouncing on the big bed , inarticulate with glee at having escaped London - she exclaiming over the delights of a room service , he in ecstasy over the offerings of the 24-hour cable TV .sx Soon two separate tables groaned " Enough !sx " under the weight of their very different KP rations ; champagne and cola , smoked salmon and Smarties , Camembert and crisps , Rioja and Ribena , hot black coffee in silver pots and a rainbow of Italian ice cream in silver dishes .sx The TV stared blankly at the food .sx Out came the cocaine ; on went the Do Not Disturb sign ; off came their clothes .sx Everything else could wait .sx On the train back to London he was silent .sx Sulkiness thickened the air like pollen , making her feel sleepy .sx He sighed ceaselessly and kicked his feet against the opposite seat .sx She didn't ask what the matter was ; she knew the answer .sx Last night , as they had walked back from the Palace Pier to the Grand , he had said , " Maria - I don't want to go home .sx Let's stay here .sx We could , you know .sx Just stay .sx Just carry on having fun .sx There's a million things we haven't done yet .sx " .sx She hugged him .sx She had always adored his enthusiasm .sx " I'm not joking .sx We could have a brilliant time .sx " .sx This was Daniel's Holy Grail ; the ultimate Brilliant Time .sx She felt like a wet blanket damping the bonfire of his hedonism as she recited the rules and regulations of adulthood - work , money and mortgage .sx Daniel considered her answer thoughtfully .sx Then he puckered up the lips that had made grown men plead and beg on two continents , and , having carefully weighed the two viewpoints , he replied with a measured , moist raspberry .sx On the mat Maria found a welcome-home present ; a letter confirming her promotion to the post of editorial director of Metro Books plc .sx Gotcha !sx she snickered to herself , not wanting to flaunt her triumph in mixed company .sx For she was successful , and Daniel was unsuccessful ; and that was about as mixed as it got these days .sx Her success could so easily remind him of his latest failure .sx Only a month ago he had auditioned for a part in a primetime hospital drama that could have taken his career off the critical list once and for all .sx When the bad news came , he simply shrugged and said , " That's cool .sx Something will turn up .sx " .sx It did ; a demand from the Inland Revenue for pounds40,000 in back taxes .sx Daniel's past was forever on his trail , like David Janssen chasing the one-armed man in The Fugitive .sx It sniffed after him like a bloodhound after a bitch or a burglar .sx After many false leads , letters were constantly scratching at the door of Maria's flat , addressed to Daniel :sx unpaid parking tickets , library-book reminders , determinedly cheerful postcards from old girlfriends .sx He looked at them all with the same absent-minded frown ; as though someone else should have taken care of it .sx " You're the most babyish man I know , " she teased him one night in bed .sx " Babyish , moi ?sx " he said , taking her nipple into his mouth .sx In the beginning it had been part of his charm .sx But now she couldn't help wondering if it had all gone a bit too far .sx It was she who had started it , calling him Bad Baby in affectionate recognition of his inability to function outside the plush playpen of her apartment .sx The way the label always hung out of his sweater ; the way she couldn't take him out to dinner without taking his clothes to the dry cleaner the morning after ; the way his attempts at DIY turned the air blue and his thumbs purple .sx He called her Mama because of the effortless efficiency with which she did everything ; she made life look like ice-dancing , a smooth glide to a full-marks finish .sx She was the grown-up he would never be ; even though he was 31 and she was 26 .sx Mama and Baby games became a way of erasing their separate pasts .sx It also smoothed out the differences between them in the here and now .sx Only by shedding their old selves could they be born again with each other , tender enough to touch .sx Men were all big babies anyway , reasoned Maria as they went deeper into their private world .sx But Daniel was more honest than most .sx He could laugh at himself .sx Soon after he moved in with her , they stopped seeing people .sx Every night when she got home from work at seven , he'd be in bed .sx She would drop her clothes on the floor and join him .sx After three hours of sex they would order in pizza , open a good red , play boardgames , watch TV with the sound off and the Velvet Underground blasting , smoke dope and snort coke till around three , all the while singing their own songs and speaking their own language .sx Maria was mystified as to why everyone didn't live this way , just pigging out on pure pleasure ; mystified as to why she had spent so many evenings standing up in crowded rooms with a glass of cheap white wine in her hand , being bored by masters of the art , when she could have been staying in , enjoying herself .sx But then , how could she have done it before she had Daniel ?sx He had given her back her youth ; helped her shut out the dreary adult world of dinner parties , blind dates , barbecues , house prices and holiday plans - all those sad adult pleasures , all those envious adult responsibilities which tried to make their love sit up straight , stop playing with itself and behave .sx On her first day at her new job , he called her at work .sx " I just called to say I love you , " he sang .sx " Okay baby , that's enough , " she said on the third call .sx When he called again , demanding that she sing him his favourite song , You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby , she hung up .sx When she returned from lunch , her secretary Jill said , " Oh , Maria - you had six calls .sx From a Mr Bad Baby .sx " .sx " Oh ?sx And did Mr Bad Baby leave any message ?sx " Maria asked , trying to sound as cool and casual as was humanly possible for one covered from head to toe in a scalding red stain of agony .sx " Yes .sx He said .sx .. " Jill consulted her note pad , making no attempt to hide the relish she took in her boss's acute embarrassment .sx " Ah , here it is .sx He said , 'Tell Mommy Bunny that Bad Baby doesn't love her any more .sx ' " .sx " Thank you , Jill , " said Maria calmly .sx She was just about to gain sanctuary behind the safety of her own door when Jill said clearly , " If Mr Bad Baby phones again , should I give him a message from Mommy Bunny ?sx " .sx " Yes , " said Maria , turning to her tormentor .sx " Tell Mr Bad Baby to grow up .sx " .sx At her desk , Maria tossed a coin to decide between sobbing and screaming .sx She should have pretended that Mr Bad Baby was just some unknown pervert !sx In ten minutes , the story would plummet down from her penthouse through the building like an elevator out of control .sx As it happened , she was wrong .sx The coin fell to the floor and she was on her knees under her desk peering at it when Suzy from Publicity popped her head round the door , only five minutes later .sx " Hi .sx Has Mommy Bunny got a minute to discuss publication scheduling ?sx " .sx Daniel was in bed when she got home .sx The room was strewn with cola cans , sweet wrappers and comics .sx " Mama !sx " he cried , holding his arms out for a hug .sx " Don't ever do that to me again !sx " .sx " Why ?sx " he squealed , panic pinging across his face and voice like a ping pong ball across a table .sx " Because it's bloody embarrassing !sx " .sx " But .sx .. " He burst into tears .sx She was horrified .sx " Can't you take a joke anymore ?sx Can't you ?sx " he shouted defiantly .sx " Yes .sx But not in public .sx Do you understand that there is a difference ?sx " .sx " Yes !sx " he snapped back , and went into the sitting room to play with his train set .sx Sometimes Maria wondered whether he was waving or drowning .sx It was so very hard to tell .sx He didn't seem to be worried about his life ; that he was now grid-locked in the outer suburbs of youth , that his trust fund was drier than a good martini and that he hadn't worked in six months .sx He'd been born into a minor showbiz dynasty and been a hot child movie star for a season during one of their temporary moves to Los Angeles .sx After a string of flops , his family returned to England .sx In the mid-seventies , the teenage Daniel was considered by the demimonde to be 'the most beautiful boy in London' .sx The capital was a soft city then , and a boy with his beauty and charm could ride the perfect pleasure wave of parties , premieres and people for a thousand and one crazy nights , working now and then - a play on the fringe one year , a film on the Riviera the next .sx For years he was considered 'a promising actor' - though one jealous wag said this was " because he's always promising to sleep with directors " .sx Some also muttered that he was " a fag of convenience " .sx But his beauty and charm were enough to lift him up above such pettiness .sx Until the eighties , that is .sx In the eighties , something happened .sx Slowly but surely , all his crazy actor friends were cleaning up their acts ; quitting drugs , drinking spritzers , marrying Born Again Christians , having children , moving to smallholdings in Surrey - working hard .sx They gave him big hugs , but little time .sx Only the unemployed had time to play these days .sx He had never been a fireball of blind ambition , and Maria liked that .sx Men on the make repelled her ; their passion went into their projects , rendering them humourless and diminishing their capacity for extra-curricular fun .sx She was ambitious - but only because of the freedom success could buy .sx