A FIZZLE OF FAT MEN .sx Hilary Patel .sx The Honourable Winston Mulembo is a man of many roles .sx With two wives and , at the last count , thirteen children , he can consider himself to be a family man .sx He is also a cabinet minister and has responded to the government's call to return to agriculture by buying a piece of land and calling himself a farmer .sx He does not call himself a businessman , though he is .sx Owning premises for that role is not necessary .sx Instead , he performs 'favours' for people who , in return , 'help' him .sx His official ministerial duties have , this weekend , brought him to Mkushi .sx Even by African standards , it's a dreary little town , wilting in the midst of a vast nowhere .sx He's visited the Member of Central Committee , the Permanent Political Secretary and the District Governor .sx He's delivered all his favourite speeches , done his duty , and now we should leave .sx But we're not going till tomorrow , he says .sx I can't imagine why that should be .sx Sunday afternoon , and the town is sleeping .sx A couple of bars are open but there's no beer in town and a bar without beer is a bar without customers .sx He's not picked up by a prostitute so I know he's not staying for that .sx The habits of the Honourable Mulembo are well known to me .sx They should be ; we've travelled all over the country together during the last ten years .sx I'm his driver .sx You'd call me a chauffeur .sx But here , I'm a driver , and a comrade too .sx We're all comrades here .sx Winston Mulembo is an Honourable comrade .sx I'm a driver , and a comrade too .sx We're all comrades here .sx Winston Mulembo is an Honourable comrade and about all those duties which are not official .sx Now he's calling me and asking if I'm ready to go .sx That surprises me .sx " Back to Lusaka , Sir ?sx " I ask .sx " No , " says he .sx But he wants the flag put on .sx Since it's not an official visit , he must want to impress someone .sx Anyway , I'm spruced up and ready as I always am .sx And the car , a Mercedes , is spick and span .sx That's the reason I like driving for the Honourable Mulembo .sx Driving a Land Rover over long distances on dirt road is extremely uncomfortable .sx But , I tell you , it's hot today .sx It always is , in October , just before the rains .sx Here he comes , wearing one of his tailored suits .sx He won't allow the oppressive heat to stint his style .sx He's a man who believes in the importance of setting standards of respectability .sx He squeezes himself into the car - he's a big man , is the Honourable Mulembo , and squashes himself into the left-hand corner .sx " The filling station , " he says .sx I feel a little peeved .sx He should know that I've already filled up .sx Then the coin drops .sx The heat must have dulled my senses .sx Now I realise what it's all about .sx Chatterjee .sx Chirak Chatterjee .sx The Honourable has had dealings before with comrade Chirak .sx It's been quite a while since he visited him here , but they've met several times in Lusaka since then .sx A deal up their sleeves ?sx Possibly .sx And a chance too for the Honourable to kill two birds with one stone .sx Where else in this barren hole would he find free booze on a Sunday afternoon ?sx And he does get very thirsty on hot afternoons in dreary little towns after promoting the message of the party and instilling the spirit of humanism .sx He's a tricky character is Chirak Chatterjee .sx The Honourable comrade must know he runs a risk of being drawn into promises he won't be able to keep , but must consider a few drinks to be worth that risk .sx Besides , promises can always be revoked , and the Honourable Mulembo is as voluble with his excuses as he is with his promises - almost as clever a crook as Chatterjee .sx I glide away from the government rest house ( you'd call it a sleazy motel , perhaps ) and drive along the dusty roads of the deserted town .sx Without even a murmur of a breeze , the flag with its green background hangs limply on the bonnet as I turn towards the filling station .sx It must be somebody important ; the security guards are in a dilemma .sx Bwana Chirak is sleeping .sx He doesn't like to be disturbed when he is sleeping , unless it's somebody very important .sx They're taking the chance .sx One of them is pressing the button to the intercom system in the bwana's bedroom .sx It's like a fortress in here with the great stone wall and the heavy metal gates .sx It's the highest wall in the country .sx Everybody says so .sx Even the President doesn't have such a high wall around State House .sx The filling station is on the other side .sx That's Bwana Chirak's official business .sx It doesn't look very important and it isn't , except for people needing fuel .sx It isn't from the filling station that Bwana Chirak makes his money .sx The important deals are done at home , mostly on the phone and mostly in his pyjamas .sx The wall was built less to protect his wealth , most of which is out of the country anyway , than to defend the man's privacy and keep out those whom he no longer considers useful .sx Bwana Chirak can be a generous man with those currently in favour - those whom he terms his friends ; his personal friends .sx He can be very charming when he wants something for nothing , but can be equally nasty when he has to pay .sx They've got permission .sx They're opening the gates .sx It's a cabinet minister .sx I can see the flag .sx But I can't be sure yet who it is .sx Ah , yes , it's Winston Mulembo , the Minister of Transport .sx Of course , he's in town this weekend .sx And the driver ?sx Yes , David , that's his name .sx They were here some time back , only he wasn't Minister of Transport then ; Minister of Lands and Natural Resources , I think .sx That was around the time when the tusks arrived .sx Yes , they've been here quite a while now .sx Look at this yard - it's a mess .sx You'd hardly think that , amongst the jumble of junk , there are items of value .sx It's easy not to notice the elephant tusks over there , under the tarpaulins .sx They're valuable though , those tusks , and they quite legally belong to Bwana Chirak .sx With a little help from friends in high places , personal friends , mind you , he's got the documents , authorised and stamped , declaring him the legal owner of that ivory .sx I know .sx I've seen the papers .sx I know quite a lot about what goes on in this house .sx I keep quiet though .sx So does Momma Chirak .sx We both keep quiet .sx It's unfinished business - those tusks , and it's giving him headaches .sx He's got those tusks and they're his , but he's still not got the export licenses to get them out of the country .sx It all depends on who's up there , you see .sx I wouldn't have thought that a transport minister would be able to help with licenses .sx That would be for the department of trade , wouldn't it ?sx Although I don't know ; with these people anything is possible .sx They can wangle most things .sx Or maybe it's something completely different this time .sx You never know .sx Anyway , it's not my problem .sx My problem is all this ginger I've got to peel .sx But sitting here , doing my jobs , I see a lot of things .sx I know quite a lot about what goes on .sx The cabinet minister has gone inside .sx David's coming over .sx I'll get a chair for him - one of the folding canvas ones .sx He'll expect that .sx He greets me , and thanks me , and sits down .sx Bwana Chirak won't be in a good mood .sx He's calling his wife , so she's calling me to take over the roasting of the pappadoms .sx Basically he's a simple man , is Chirak Chatterjee .sx He doesn't drink , doesn't smoke and doesn't have any girlfriends .sx And , being a devout Hindu , he doesn't eat meat .sx The thing he likes best is making money and he's very good at that .sx The house is as shoddy as the yard .sx He doesn't intend to stay here forever .sx He's always telling people that .sx Once he's made enough , he'll leave .sx But he stays .sx He might be a big fish here , but it's going to take a long time to make 'enough' to survive in a bigger pond somewhere else .sx He keeps trying though .sx He's got lots of gadgets in his living room , even an electric organ .sx He doesn't play it , of course ; uses instead as a shelf on which to display some of the ugly ornaments he likes picking up .sx There's an enormous lampshade there too , made from an elephant's tusk .sx These things are a comfort to Chirak Chatterjee and these , I suppose , he can take with him , or sell , if he ever leaves .sx But he won't be able to do that with the paint on the walls .sx So he doesn't bother with paint and the peeling patches don't bother him .sx He's just told Momma Chirak to make some tea for him and to bring some milk for their guest .sx So now she's telling me to make the tea .sx I must leave the pappadoms .sx Momma's pouring the milk and yes , she's spilt some on the floor .sx She always does .sx And of course I'm supposed to mop it up .sx Momma's taking in several different varieties of spiced snacks and the bwana's telling her to bring a bottle of whisky .sx " Local , not imported , " I hear him cluck at her in Hindi .sx I've learnt a lot of Hindi working here .sx He's still crotchety at having been woken .sx The tea's ready now .sx Momma's bringing the snacks back out again .sx I remember now , and Momma should have remembered too :sx Winston Mulembo always has an ulcer .sx Hot , spicy food irritates it .sx So does whisky , but then milk is there to be offset the effects of that .sx I'm clearing up now before I go back outside to the ginger .sx That's a shame - I would have liked to stay and listen .sx I have a quick glance before I go .sx Winston Mulembo is happily gulping down his whisky laced with milk .sx Bwana Chirak is smiling .sx He must be awake now , and scheming .sx It might look as if my husband cares about me - insisting that I come along , but I know Gerald better than that .sx Bringing the wife along provides a veneer of respectability - makes it look as if we are indeed indulging ourselves in nothing more than a pleasant Sunday afternoon jaunt and a little light socialising .sx I can assure you though , it's not that straightforward .sx It never is with my husband .sx " Judith , I think we'll visit Mr Chatterjee this afternoon .sx " he said .sx Not :sx " What do you think ?sx " Not :sx " Would you like to ?sx " But :sx " We will .sx " I will and you will .sx So here we are bouncing unmerrily along :sx Mr Road Engineer and his wife , couped up inside a stuffy Land Rover in the stifling heat of the afternoon , and believe you me , it's horribly hot .sx And the pot-bellied pink blob in the driver's seat is sweating badly and it stinks .sx This is our third contract and Gerald's pushing for a fourth .sx We did the first one for the money :sx expatriate allowance , re-settlement bonus and all that .sx And we did make quite a bit .sx Enough , I thought .sx But Gerald found he likes the life out here .sx He likes acting out the big white bwana stuff .sx So we've stayed , and live in a caravan .sx It's a luxury caravan , mind you and we live in it rent-free , with a lot of other things thrown in free as well .sx There are many perks to be picked up on a foreign aid scheme .sx They're all doing it :sx the Canadians , the Italians , the Swedes , and even the Chinese .sx They're all busy building roads to transport food which isn't being grown .sx Infrastructure's so important for a developing country , don't you know ?sx Now the World Bank is offering a loan to the Government for the construction of another road in some other , faraway forgotten corner of the country , and interested groups are tendering for the contract .sx I don't care who gets it as long as it isn't the British contingent and my husband Gerald .sx