And because that's how we saw you , unflappable , that's what we've demanded of you .sx It's been an increasing strain for you because it's an increasing load .sx Patterson says you've carried us - emotionally - and have left yourself with no one to share your worries .sx It's too easy to become selfish .sx Now , all that makes sense to me , darling , but there's more , " Duncan warned , pleased to see that Beth was receptive .sx " In fact , we had a long talk because I convinced him I needed to know of any way I could help .sx I couldn't guarantee you'd see him yourself , " he explained .sx " The timing's so significant , Beth .sx Patterson suspects that the wedding's causing you real distress .sx However much you want it for Jennetta , you don't want it for yourself .sx You don't want to lose her .sx " Sudden tears prickled her eyelids and Beth froze into a monument of self-control .sx Duncan saw her stiffen but he had to go on .sx " That makes you feel guilty , so you can't talk about it .sx Patterson wonders whether subconsciously , this is all an expression of your hope , " Duncan took Beth's hands , " not fear , that something will stop the wedding .sx " .sx Beth snatched her hands away and her mouth opened in protest but Duncan forestalled her .sx " I know - I know what you're going to say .sx I've already said it all to Patterson .sx But when I told him that even Penny'd had a rough time , and that this morning you accused me of being in the conspiracy against you , he wasn't surprised .sx He explained that your fear for Penny was an expression of your dread of losing Jennetta , and as for me - well , I'm your 'transferred guilt object' , " Duncan smiled bleakly .sx " Your whipping-boy .sx When I said your behaviour seemed more to me like a persecution complex , he said , 'Self-persecution .sx She's looking for sticks to beat herself with' .sx " " Mother-love's a funny thing , " Patterson had added , and Duncan had no intention of mentioning it to Beth .sx " We think of it as a virtue , but in its perverted form it's the most destructive poison a woman has access to .sx It cripples far more than the object of her mother-love .sx " .sx Beth sat thoughtfully , trying to apply Duncan's half-familiar phrases to herself and feel comfortable in them ; but in one essential respect they simply didn't fit .sx " So no wonder your control's slipping , " he went on , encouraged by Beth's silence .sx " You've had a terrible life - by my standards , anyway - and it's amazing that you've emerged unscathed .sx I realise now that's the result of conscious effort as well as your strength of character .sx I've abused that strength .sx " I didn't realise at first that you were actually fearful of meeting anyone from your past - and no wonder that you were - but even Nick's crooks are 'transferred guilt objects' now .sx You thought you had good reason then , no doubt , but it's a mistake to cut off all your roots .sx If you do , you have to be very certain of your support , and I'm afraid your support wasn't as strong as it might've been .sx It even leaned on you .sx It must've helded , marrying me - I hope it did - but I never knew how much I needed to help .sx I should've encouraged you to screech like a fishwife , " Duncan smiled fleetingly at an image that once would have been unthinkable , " and throw things .sx Instead of which I've sat around admiring your courage or being impatient now because the strain I've helped to impose on you is finally beginning to tell .sx Believe me , Patterson told me a few home-truths !sx .sx " Well , there you are , " Duncan raised his hands and let them fall as he sat back in his chair .sx " You've been very patient and civilised , but so you usually are .sx I can't tell whether you've accepted any of this .sx I hope some of it's made sense and you feel better for understanding yourself .sx But anyway I wish you'd see Patterson .sx It's the - involuntary aspect that's so upsetting , isn't it ?sx But it won't be any less involuntary merely for understanding the cause .sx You need his help to cope , darling .sx " .sx Duncan looked so worried and so loving that impulsively Beth reached towards him .sx " I won't have you blaming yourself for any of this !sx It's shameful of Patterson to put such an idea into your head , Duncan .sx I couldn't have married a more unselfish , understanding man - and if I haven't said that before , " Beth added with a wry smile , " then I should be beaten soundly .sx But some of what you've said sounds logical enough to provoke thought - though of course I deny that I'm hoping Jennetta's wedding falls through .sx Good heavens , I can't begin to tell you how much I want it .sx Even subconsciously that suggestion's horrible !sx " .sx " Quite .sx And that's Patterson's point , " Duncan was ready .sx " Because you find it horrible you're flaying yourself .sx But it's understandable , darling .sx Your whole life and behaviour were geared to Jennetta for so long that your subconscious is saying now , 'What kind of a person shall I revert to when she's gone ?sx Shall I still be the Me I've become and know better than any other self ?sx ' It's a sort of identity crisis Patterson sometimes sees in widows - but they're expected to mourn their loss and take time to readjust , while you , poor love , have to put on a happy face .sx " .sx " But I am happy , Duncan .sx Truly .sx And Jennetta's certainly not the only person in my life .sx " .sx " You don't need to tell me that , darling .sx But she is your oldest root , the only real root .sx In a sense she was your mould too , and now the mould's breaking .sx Don't be afraid .sx I'm longing to meet the butterfly that emerges from the chrysalis .sx A whole new voyage of discovery with you .sx For a start , I've never been to bed with a mother-in-law .sx " .sx " Idiot !sx " Beth snorted with sudden laughter .sx But she recognised the truth of much of what Duncan said about her close relationship with Jennetta .sx In some ways it had perhaps been too close .sx It was a measure of Duncan's generosity that he'd never been jealous .sx He was a truly good man , Beth acknowledged remorsefully to herself .sx " All right , then , I'll go and see Patterson - but it sounds very much as though you two've put your heads together to set me up with a Catch-22 situation .sx If I deny his suggestion it's because my subconscious won't let me admit it , even to myself , because it's irrational .sx But if I express other fears , then they're unreasonable and again I'm being irrational .sx " .sx " No , you can't win , " Duncan laughed as he stood up to go .sx " Just try and be your usual honest self with Patterson , that's all I ask .sx I know he can help .sx " .sx Duncan took Beth's letter with him to the post ; considerate , but more precipitate than she'd intended .sx After some thought she phoned Jane , whose school run it was that afternoon .sx " Why don't you and Jonquil stay on for an hour or so when you drop Penny off ?sx " Beth invited , first clearing a few perfunctory civilities out of the way .sx " Why , Beth , of course !sx " Jane's voice soared with surprise at this change of tack after the polite brush-offs during the past weeks .sx They hadn't met since a day or two after the Mallinsons' return from holiday , Beth realised .sx " It's been ages !sx " Jane echoed her thoughts .sx " I've been expecting to hear more about our haute couture crawl .sx " .sx " Yes , we must discuss that , " Beth murmured vaguely , remembering the suggestion that Jane should help her choose her wedding outfit .sx " See you after school , then .sx " .sx Jane's readiness to rally round was gratifying .sx Beth worked off her relief by preparing a picnic feast for the girls to guzzle out of earshot in the grounds , and a cake and an iced pitcher for Jane .sx It's a mistake to cut off your roots , she reminded herself of what Duncan had said , and she'd been in danger of doing just that again .sx Beth saw belatedly that whereas her retreat had once seemed to be the only route to self-preservation , now it would be a suicidal cutting of communications that could leave her out in the cold , socially , and out of touch .sx Intimacy with Jane had brought unexpected embarrassments in the undelicious shape of her aunt Grace , but only their continued intimacy could provide an antidote to the far greater embarrassments looming between the lines of David Morgan's letter .sx " Make a stranger of Jane , " Beth warned herself aloud , " and you simply won't know what's going on behind your back .sx " .sx " Seems to me you could do with a let-up .sx " Jane gazed clinically into Beth's face as later they settled themselves on the patio .sx " Gamboge around the gills , my dear - An iced drink ?sx What a heavenly idea !sx " She took the frosted glass Beth held out to her and drank gratefully .sx " My God !sx " she gasped , awed .sx " What is this ?sx " .sx " My mother-in-law's recipe , " Beth smiled .sx " She calls it Singapore Swamp , on account of the floating vegetation .sx " She poured a glass for herself .sx " It's reasonably innocuous .sx " .sx " It's ab solute ambrosia , Beth - and not all that innocuous .sx What's under the cover ?sx " .sx " Your cake , " Beth murmured , uncovering the plate .sx " Not - my cake ?sx How I've missed you !sx " Jane laughed .sx " So .sx Last lap ?sx Only just in time , I'd say .sx Aren't you sleeping ?sx " .sx " Much better now the heat's less , " Beth tried not to sound irritated .sx Why did people imagine they showed their concern best through bossy personal remarks ?sx " But I had - rather a shock today , " she admitted , " and I suppose I'm tired enough for it to show .sx " .sx Jane looked away towards the paddock where the girls could be heard .sx " Anything you can talk about ?sx " she asked quietly .sx " Oh , it's nothing private , " Beth assured her .sx " Just - unexpected .sx I had a letter from a solicitor asking about a friend I was at school with in Fulham .sx There's a legacy , apparently .sx Unfortunately I lost touch with her when I was seventeen so I can't help .sx What stunned me , though , was how he'd found me after all this time .sx " She glanced uncomfortably at Jane .sx " You know - a sort of Big Brother sensation .sx Well , good heavens - I've changed my name twice since then .sx " .sx " Hell , how unnerving !sx " Jane sympathised .sx " But I'm sure you've the right to ask how he managed it .sx " .sx " Well , he did say in passing - Are you ready for some cake ?sx " .sx " Need you ask ?sx " Jane grinned .sx Beth helped her to cake and sat back with her own plate while Jane moaned appreciation .sx " So what did the solicitor say ?sx " she prompted thickly .sx " Oh , he'd traced my friend to a hostel in south London , a place called High Bank .sx " Beth munched tidily on and ignored Jane's quiet exclamation .sx " That's where I last knew of her myself .sx He turned up the woman in charge at the time and she put him on to me .sx You see , my friend - she was rather a live-wire - just upped and left , so after a bit this woman returned my letters with a note to say what'd happened .sx I wrote to her a couple of times in case there was any news , but there never was .sx It seems she'd filed away my letters , signed in my maiden name , and they were enough for the solicitor to work on .sx Amazing , really .sx " Beth picked up the cake-knife and looked enquiringly at Jane ; but Jane merely replaced her half-eaten cake on the table .sx " When was it you lost touch with your friend ?sx " she asked in a strained voice .sx " About - about twenty years ago , " Beth gave her a puzzled stare .sx " Jane , is something wrong with the cake ?sx " .sx " No , - Just let me think a minute .sx I mean - it's lovely .sx About 1969 ?sx " she muttered , calculating .sx " Did this solicitor mention the Warden's name ?sx " Beth shook her head wonderingly .sx " Can you remember what she told you about your friend ?sx " .sx " Er - that she'd gone to find work in East Anglia , as I recall .sx Look - " .sx " Did she tell you that your friend left with just the clothes on her back - after hitching a lift while she was visiting away from the hostel ?sx " Jane leaned forward , her eyes intent .sx " She was seeing her foster-sister , " Beth nodded , wondering how much detail Jane knew to fill in that outline .sx