Pretty in a cold kind of way .sx I thought about the times in my life when failure had far outstripped success , when I had been alone and feeling as bad about myself as I did about the rest of the world and when there hadn't been any practical , let alone any philosophical , reason for getting up the next morning .sx But it wasn't enough .sx The water still looked cruel , not at all like any kind of way out .sx Maybe I just wasn't trying hard enough .sx Once again I tried to slide my way under her skin , burrow into her brain .sx Whatever her spirit she was still just a young girl in deep financial trouble who'd taken one hell of a gamble and lost .sx Having set out to save herself from debt she had ended up even worse , as a thief taking money under false pretences and not able to give it back .sx And not just a thief :sx very possibly a kind of murderer also .sx Her own child .sx Even if she hadn't wanted it , how could she let it die and stay alive herself afterwards ?sx It or her .sx Her or me .sx Fifteen feet below , the water winked at me .sx I took one hand off the parapet .sx Then the other .sx Then I put them both back .sx She must have been braver than I. Or driven stupid by more despair .sx If I had been her I might have just come here to torment myself , but I would never have followed through .sx Instead I would have hailed the first cab and fled to a hospital , saved both it and me and faced up to everything else when it came looking for me .sx Which , of course , is what she must have been planning to do when she had called Scott that Friday .sx Otherwise why bother to get in touch ?sx Needing somewhere to stay presupposed being alive long enough to stay in it .sx And choosing the father of your child as your host showed at least some sense of coherence in the midst of despair .sx Coherence and strategy .sx She had been careful enough to warn him that someone might come looking for her , had told him to keep quiet about it .sx As late as twenty-four hours before her death she had been ready to fight to keep them off her back .sx Did it really change everything when she realized they had found out ?sx It was still the same baby , still hers , still slowly sliding into unconsciousness .sx Despite or more likely because of that she'd still been plucky enough to get the hell out of there and make her way to London .sx It just didn't make sense to get this far only to give up .sx What she needed was a doctor whose first oath was to medicine rather than Belmont , someone who would help first and ask questions later .sx Except who and where ?sx When the police had plodded their way around the emergency clinics and gynae wards nobody had remembered a long-haired young beauty , eight months pregnant , coming in off the streets that afternoon in the kind of trouble you wouldn't forget .sx And one thing was certain :sx once she'd got in there no doctor in their right mind would have let her out .sx So she hadn't gone for help .sx Could she really have been too scared even for a hospital ?sx But in which case why go all the way home just to write a suicide note ?sx If she was looking for the nearest piece of river why not come straight here from the airport ?sx Equally , if she was at home why the hell travel all the way here when she had her own perfectly good black water just down the road at Westminster or Waterloo .sx Welcome home to the old problem .sx What was Frank's resident cliché ?sx If you can't find the answer then you're not asking the right question .sx Back to the facts .sx Even a slipshod pathologist can tell fresh from sea water diatoms , and the contents of her stomach showed only one sort .sx She had died swallowing water which had not come into contact with the sea .sx Given that and given how long she'd been in the water she must have gone in somewhere around Kew or Hampton Court .sx Science doesn't lie .sx Her stomach proved she'd gone in up river .sx Her note proved she'd been home first .sx But as Daniel had said , home was the first place they would go looking for her .sx And home , was indeed where he had gone .sx He had arrived at Heathrow at 8.40 p.m. From there , according to him , he had driven straight to her house .sx Assuming VIP treatment through airport bureaucracy and customs and Saturday night traffic , Heathrow to Kilburn would have taken what - an hour , hour and half .sx Let's say 10.00 p.m. No , let's say later .sx Let's say it took longer and that he arrived nearer 10.30 p.m. By which time I was sitting back in my car thawing my hands back to life after the ice of her living-room .sx And , as I sat , I was watching the figure of a tall man in a trench-coat walk in through the front gate and up to her door .sx Except he didn't need to ring the bell , or even fiddle the lock .sx Because he had a key .sx Of course .sx How else could they have collected her mail over the last eight months ?sx And then I saw the empty table in her room as it had been half an hour before , illuminated by the brief light of a naked bulb and then the more methodical sweep of my torch beam .sx And last of all I thought of the suicide note , that sad little litany of words .sx With the rumble of the river in the background I recited it out loud , the prelude to a final act of contrition .sx Holy Mary , mother of God , forgive me for I have sinned .sx .. " By the time you read this you will know the truth .sx I am sorry for all the deceit and the trouble I have caused .sx Also for all the money which I cannot repay .sx It seems the only thing I can do is to go .sx Please , if you can , forgive me .sx " .sx .sx .. For these and all the sins of my life I am very sorry .sx But most of all for the sin of stupidity , Hannah .sx " The only thing I can do is go .sx " But a debt to Miss Patrick isn't the same thing as the money owed to the Belmonts , and the deceit of a concealed pregnancy isn't the same thing as deliberately picking the wrong father for the child .sx And most of all , leaving France isn't the same as leaving life , although , given the circumstances , you can see how a coroner might just have been fooled into believing it was .sx I got down from the bridge and walked slowly back to my car .sx She had written the note and left it in the summerhouse .sx Which meant they must have found it after she'd gone .sx But for Daniel to bring it with him to England they must already have appreciated its ambiguity .sx Yet facts are still facts and forensics is still a science .sx According to the pathologist she had died between 4.30 p.m. and 6.30 p.m. Daniel touched down two hours later .sx So let's say for the sake of argument that death was the automatic punishment for betrayal in Belmont's post-resistance world .sx Let's even assume , however much it hurt , that Daniel had the stomach as well as the strength to drown an eight-months pregnant woman just because his uncle asked him to .sx The question remained- how could he possibly have thrown Carolyn Hamilton into the Thames at a time when he was still on the other side of the Channel ?sx And if it wasn't him then who the hell was it ?sx How many times do I have to tell you , Hannah , it's not the answers but the questions .sx .. I tried again .sx And again .sx And eventually I got somewhere .sx This time I drove to Kilburn via Heathrow , just to check the time .sx It worked .sx Shame it was too late to thank Frank personally .sx If it hadn't been for Colin's car I would probably have gone straight back to the airport .sx It was nearly four when I got to Islington .sx In the kitchen the only paper I could find had Amy's abstract doodling on one side , but sometimes art has to suffer for the sake of history .sx It took me the best part of two hours to write the report out twice .sx By that time Benjamin had decided it was time to get up and Kate didn't have much option but to agree .sx When she came down to fill up his bottle she looked more weary than I did and I'd been up all night .sx He on the other hand was radiant , all smiled an top-o'-the-morning-to-you .sx She slumped in the kitchen chair and plugged him in , while I made a pot of tea .sx We sat together and chomped our way through a plate of custard creams and chocolate digestives - midnight feasts postponed from childhood .sx I think now that most of my childhood had been spent trying to catch up with Kate , trying to narrow that eighteen-month gap that meant she did everything before I did .sx And even when I'd managed it , had gone more places , done more things , slept with more men , I could still look back and find her in front of me .sx Three weeks ago I had sat on her staircase , hearing her lecture me about how it couldn't have been suicide , regardless of what any note might have said .sx If I'd listened to her right from the start , I could have saved myself a lot of time and trouble .sx " I went to Finsbury Park , " I heard myself say , " to see a dancer she used to work with , the father of her child .sx Then I went to the river .sx And now I have to go back to France .sx " .sx She studied me for a moment , then said , " You don't have to tell me , you know .sx I didn't ask .sx " .sx I nodded , then pushed one of the small piles of Amy's drawings across the table towards her .sx " Maybe if you get a moment you could read this before you stash it in the airing cupboard .sx " .sx " What is it - a whodunnit ?sx " .sx I shook my head .sx " More a how than a who .sx It's gripping stuff as far as it goes .sx Unfortunately it doesn't have an ending .sx " .sx " Is that why you're going to France ?sx " .sx " Sort of .sx " .sx She smiled .sx " What happened ?sx Did you fall for the bad guy ?sx " .sx Yesterday it would have made me mad .sx Today I allowed myself to give it some thought .sx Without the luxury of sleep to fortify my defences it was a little easier .sx She was right , of course .sx Something had gone down between us .sx I could continue to dismiss it as the attraction of dress sense , adrenalin over vocation , or I could look at it for what it was :sx the break-up of the iceberg , even the first sign of spring .sx Hannah 'Self-Sufficient' Wolfe comes out of hibernation to test the air .sx Admirable stuff if it wasn't for the timing .sx And the man .sx Still , it never stopped Humphrey Bogart from shopping Mary Astor .sx But then she really was one of the bad guys .sx Whereas Daniel .sx .. well , not one of the good guys , certainly , but further than that .sx .. " I don't know , " I said , after a while .sx " I think that's one of the things I'm going to find out .sx " .sx She nodded and shifted Benjamin to her other arm .sx She looked down at him for a second , then back up at me .sx " You know the first six months after Amy was born I used to have this recurring nightmare .sx I was locked in this room .sx I had gone in there voluntarily and closed the door behind me .sx But then I couldn't get out .sx There was a tiny window up high .sx If I climbed up I could just see out of it to a long stretch or road .sx And there was this figure walking along it , away from me .sx