Adrian Cole .sx ONLY HUMAN .sx Swarbang burst through the doors and into the stone chamber as though all the demons in Hell were hot on his tail .sx Which was an exaggeration , as most of them ignored his passing , as usual .sx He was not a particularly bright or violent demon himself , but he was nonetheless an ugly brute , capable of chewing the head off a lesser creature of the pantheon if he had to .sx A company of his fellows was gathered in the chamber , and as one , they turned their glaring eyes upon the sweating Swarbang , whose scarlet flesh looked as though it had been roasted over a slow fire .sx " It's just as we feared !sx " he gasped , his long , fat tail slapping the flagstones like an irritated dragon's .sx " They've got Snagubal .sx Trapped him !sx " .sx The demon conclave - there were a dozen of them - hissed and snarled and generally swore crudely and inventively as only demons can .sx Murkrack , largest of them , puffed out his already bloated belly and spat dramatically .sx " This is insufferable !sx How dare they treat one of us , us , Brothers of the Eleventh Grotto , in this way .sx Intolerable !sx " .sx " It's all very well grumbling and spitting and threatening to beat up on the slag imps , Murkrack , " snorted the towering Grossbile .sx " But what in Hell are we going to do about it ?sx " .sx " Do ?sx " snapped Murkrack .sx " Do ?sx We'll go out there and get him back , that's what !sx " .sx " Yes , yes , " said Grossbile , looming impatiently .sx " We know the penalties for not protecting one of our number from sorcery .sx I'm talking about action .sx But you haven't properly considered our dilemma .sx How , precisely , are we supposed to 'go out there' and rescue the hapless Snagubal ?sx " .sx Murkrack screwed his face up into a hideous mask that made even the demons shudder .sx " Uh , well .sx .. we .sx .. we .sx .. " .sx " We can't follow Snagubal , " said Grossbile .sx " He was summoned .sx By a human sorcerer .sx Drawn out of our realm to the human world , no doubt to perform some nauseating task to satisfy the whim of the said sorcerer .sx Unless we are summoned , we can't follow .sx " .sx " And I've checked carefully , " said Swarbang .sx " The sorcerer who's trapped Snagubal has him in a pentacle .sx " .sx " Doesn't the idiot know the code for breaking pentacles ?sx " growled Flutterpaddle , a skeletal , green-skinned being with the voice of a constipated frog .sx " Oh , yes , " nodded Swarbang .sx " But this is a master mage .sx Snagubal can't move , only to go on errands .sx " .sx " Which are ?sx " .sx " Systematically eating certain other sorcerers .sx Snagubal doesn't mind the odd one or two - who wouldn't ?sx - but too many are bad for the digestion .sx " .sx " So , " snorted Grossbile , " we can't get Snagubal back .sx Not unless we invoke Under-Devil Zarb , and he'll be so annoyed at Snagubal's incompetence that he'll say the sorcerer is welcome to him !sx " .sx " You mean , " gulped Swarbang , " that we've lost Snagubal for good ?sx But he's my friend .sx " .sx Grossbile thought quietly while his companions made more snorting noises .sx Eventually he hissed for silence .sx " Ahem !sx There is a possible solution .sx We must fight fire with fire .sx Rather apt , for demons .sx We can't break this pentacle and free Snagubal .sx Only a human can do that .sx Very well .sx We must elicit the aid of a human .sx " .sx " Won't that be seeing a precedent ?sx " grumbled Murkrack .sx " I guess so , " Grossbile nodded .sx " But we could draw a pentacle of our own .sx Humans draw them in their world and summon demons .sx So why shouldn't we draw one and summon a human ?sx To serve us .sx " .sx The demons gaped , but gradually began to chuckle , then laugh , then roar with mirth , as though they had already accomplished their outrageous plan .sx It took considerably longer than they expected , but they finally got their crude pentacle organised .sx Grossbile had very definite ideas on the shape and most of the sigils , but each of the demons added his won cabalistic marking .sx They scoured the corridors , holes and burrows of their demonic terrain and assembled a weird assortment of bones , mostly human , a slightly damaged skull , some hanks of hair , and Swarbang's proud contribution , a shrivelled tongue , albeit that of a bovine quadruped .sx Scattering these unsavoury items about their pentacle , which they drew in their own blood , they stood outside it in wavering torchlight , waiting to see who would suggest the next move .sx " Some sort of chant ?sx " said Flutterpaddle .sx " I can't be sure of the words , " said Grossbile .sx " But they should be fairly basic .sx Let's all hold claws and concentrate .sx " .sx They did this with some reluctance , not being by nature affectionate creatures , but once Grossbile began his sombre , though fairly convincing chant , they focussed their energy in a combined groaning designed to invoke their human , though Swarbang did wonder if their frightful concatenations would raise the dead .sx Around and around the pentacle they shuffled , eyes and teeth gleaming in the torchlight and the air quivered expectantly .sx Oliver Firmly was also engaged in a familiar and not dissimilar ritual at this very time , though he was an entire dimension away .sx He , too , was singing .sx At least , his attempts at impersonating Pavarotti as he luxuriated in his shower roughly approximated to the equivalent of the bizarre chant in the demons' stone chamber .sx It may have been his vocal extemporisation on a theme which somehow breached the void , linking him to the utterings of the hideous gathering .sx At any rate , he suddenly found himself standing not in his shower , but elsewhere .sx The soothing hot jet of water had gone .sx So had most of the lighting .sx Assuming this to be a power failure , he turned to the glass door of the cubicle , but it was also gone .sx Only the steam had not completely dissipated , although it had somehow .sx .. changed .sx It was more like smoke .sx In the absence of the hiss of hot water , Firmly noticed the chanting , or more precisely , croaking , as if a plague of frogs had got loose in the drains .sx But it couldn't be frogs , it was too harmonious .sx No , he decided , that wasn't the word .sx It was horrible .sx " I see something !sx " someone cried , again in batrachian tones .sx The smoke cleared a little .sx Firmly gaped , fingers clutching helplessly at his loofa .sx H was surrounded by the most horrendous collection of .sx .. of .sx .. what in hell were they ?sx They looked like escapees from the set of a Cronenberg movie .sx Jeeze , the realism .sx " Success !sx " gurgled another voice .sx Baleful eyes gleamed .sx Automatically Firmly swung his loofa to cover the tenderest part of his anatomy .sx " What in God's name are you doing in my bathroom ?sx " .sx " Mind your language !sx " hissed tha tallest of the freaks , his chins wobbling , his vast belly bouncing up and down in the smoke .sx Somehting appeared to be keeping both him and his disgusting pink-skinned companions from waddling too close .sx " A human , " another said .sx " Look , will you get the hell out of my goddam bathroom !sx " shouted Firmly , feeling more than a little ridiculous .sx " This is not your world , you repulsive monster , " snapped Grossbile , flexing his claws suggestively .sx " It's ours .sx And if you want to see your world again , you'd better do exactly as you're told .sx We can easily discard you and summon another one , now that we've mastered the technique .sx " .sx Firmly shook his head , baffled .sx But he was in no position to argue .sx " Look , you guys , will someone tell me what this is all about ?sx I have to be in my office in less than an hour .sx " .sx Grossbile scratched his chin with an elongated dirk of a fingernail .sx " Role reversal .sx We demons have conjured us a human .sx That is , you .sx " .sx Firmly nodded slowly .sx Who were these lunatics ?sx " One of our colleagues , Snagubla , has been summoned to your world by a partucularly ambitious sorcerer , name of Wenceslodin .sx Snagubal has become an unwilling slave .sx He can't get back .sx " .sx " It's not fair , " whined Swarbang .sx " He's done what the pact called for , enough maiming and mutilating .sx But Wenceslodin won't release him .sx " .sx " You must know this Wenceslodin ?sx " prompted Grossbile .sx Firmly swallowed .sx " Uh - is he some kind of stage magician ?sx " .sx " Magician , yes .sx So you do know him ?sx " .sx " No , not exactly .sx Who's he with ?sx " .sx " He is supposed to serve King Urtrabrutes .sx But he intends to rule your world for himself .sx He is using Snagubal to eradicate his rivals .sx " .sx Firmly struggled to keep his composure .sx They must be fantasy wargamers .sx That was it King who ?sx Was there a convention in town ?sx " The only way we can help Snagubal , " Grossbile went in , " is by getting a human to break the pentacle that is his prison .sx We will gladly send you back to your world .sx But when you are there , you must free Snagubal .sx " .sx " How do I do that ?sx " .sx " Simply break the pentacle .sx Only a human can do that .sx " .sx Something clicked in Firmly's mind .sx He'd never been a great fan of weird fiction , but he seemed to remember a movie once where some ind of demon broke free of its pentacle and ate the sap who'd summoned it .sx " Hold on , pal .sx If I break this pentacle , what happens to me ?sx This Snagubal is going to eat me , right ?sx " He shook his head .sx What am I saying ?sx I'm getting as dumb as these guys !sx Eat me ?sx Am I kidding ?sx Swarbang giggled , unable to control himself .sx " We hadn't thought of that , but he's right .sx " .sx " We'll just have to make sure Snagubal understands he's being rescued , " said Grossbile .sx " He's reasonably sensible , and should realise .sx And of course , he's already engorged himself on a dozen or so petty sorcerers .sx I can't believe he'll still be hungry , pig that he is .sx " .sx " So all I have to do , " said Firmly , " is release your pal , and then I'll be able to get on with my life ?sx " .sx " Exactly , " said Grossible .sx " Under such an arrangement there's no need for the usual torture , torment , Hellfire and all that stuff .sx " .sx " One question .sx " .sx " Yes ?sx " .sx " Can I have some clothes ?sx " .sx The demons screwed up their faces and Firmly gasped in amusement - boy , what they couldn't do with foam latex these days .sx Really gross stuff .sx " Clothes , " muttered Grossbile .sx " I never understood why you humans had to have second skins .sx We don't bother .sx Mind you , we do generate a lot more body heat , I suppose .sx " .sx " We can get him some skins from the flaying caverns , " someone suggested .sx " I think he want somthing more sophisticated , " said Grosssbile .sx " Look , you'll have to steal something when you get back .sx There'll be plenty of clothes in the Tower of Screamlng Skulls .sx " .sx " Excuse me , " said Firmly .sx " Did I hear that right ?sx Skulls ?sx " .sx " Wenceslodin's retreat .sx You can pick up some clothes when you get there .sx " .sx " Can't I just go back to my apartment - " .sx " No time , no time !sx Just break the pentacle , that's all .sx Or do we get ourselves another human ?sx " said Grossbile impatiently , waving his horrendous claws .sx They , at least , were all too real .sx " Okay , okay , let's go for it , " groaned Firmly , with as much enthusiasm as a cat about to enter a dog pound .sx This time the transition was even more sudden .sx Like someone had flipped a light switch off .sx Darkness .sx Then on again .sx Poor light , a sort of torchlight .sx Torchlight ?sx Firmly shivered .sx He really did need clothes .sx And wherever the hell he was , he needed more than a goddam loofa to defend himself .sx But curiously enough , the corridor in which he now found himself was lined with shields , undercrossed with swords that gleamed .sx He had no time to wonder how he had been brought here , though he assumed he'd been drugged in his shower - that smoke beat the heck out of any incense .sx So now what ?sx He slipped one of the shields from the wall , but it was far too heavy .sx He had better luck with the sword .sx Even so , it was unwieldy .sx As he crept down the passage , he wondered how much had been spent on this place .sx A fortune .sx This was real stonework .sx Daylight slatted through a narrow window and he craned his neck to see out .sx And gaped in disbelief .sx The landscape of bogs , stunted trees and drifting fog looked like bayou country .sx If this was some kind of amusement park it was hidden in a part of the city he never heard of .sx But through a break in the sliding fog he caught a glimpse of distant horizon .sx The truth hit him at last .sx This may be his world , but it sure as heck wasn't his time .sx