Julie Akhurst .sx Small pieces of Alice .sx Emilia took off her spectacles and rubbed the thin skin of her eyelids and across the bridge of her nose .sx Then she replaced her spectacles , blinked sharply and shook back her hair .sx She was beginning to see the dead animals again .sx Of course they weren't there when she swallowed down her fear and walked up to them .sx The splayed , broken form of a rabbit was one of those small weighted sacks used inexplicably wherever men were working on the road ; or she was staring at a flapping piece of newspaper when she had seen a dying gull beating its wings senselessly against a lamppost .sx She always did ask herself what such a proliferation of carelessly squandered wildlife would be doing in W2 , but it was a question without the conviction that it had any right to be asked , used in the face of blind panic like a parasol against the mugger's knife .sx She put her chin down now and walked firmly up to the dead collie whose blood-stained fur was twitching in the breeze ; and it happily resolved itself into an oddly-coloured corner of the shop wall , the tattered remnant of a handkerchief .sx Slowly she let out a shuddering sigh , pretending even to herself that nothing had unnerved her .sx She had already walked on , her small , firm footsteps ringing up the hard pavement of the Bayswater Road .sx Last night she had seen Nell in silhouette in her darkened office , the huge outline of her stomach standing out against the little light that filtered through the window blind .sx Her head was thrown back so that the fall of her hair slid over the desk and just touched the ground .sx She should have been a Madonna with that expression on her face .sx There was a quattrocento serenity in the curve of her lip , the downcast eyelid , that would have spoken of a secret and holy communion with the child within her if it had been found on any bas-relief - or on anybody but Nell .sx Emilia's stomach turned as she followed once more in her mind the shadowy arch that began with Nell's hair , rode the swell of her belly and ended in Clive , kneeling with reverent silence , his tongue worshipping at Nell's generous cunt .sx When the crack of light from the open door had fallen across them , Emilia had stood stony for one long minute on the threshold , then clicked the door shut with a customary neatness , before gathering her gloves , her coat , from the foyer and making towards Bayswater .sx As she passed that side of the building she couldn't help herself glancing up Nell's office , but everything was still in darkness .sx All night the image had returned to her , and now , as she glanced down at the immaculate package in her gloved hand , it superimposed itself on silver ribbon and paper scored to fold at right angles .sx When she had first heard , on the office grapevine , that Nell was pregnant , Emilia's joy had been unbounded .sx And when Clive had asked her , between meetings , " Any gossip , then ?sx " she had inclined her head slightly with that preparatory pause and told him about it with a proprietary pleasure , made sincere through layers and layers of practice over the years of being a personal assistant .sx Clive left his half-drunk coffee on the edge of her desk , lifting the office cat out of his path before bouncing off to meet with the printer .sx " There'll be a collection , of course ?sx " She nodded slightly .sx " Here .sx Take this fiver to start it off .sx " .sx She bent and slid a fresh buff envelope out of her stationery drawer , and held it beneath her downturned palms , feeling through the thin paper all the new paths , new possibilities that were already opening up .sx Slowly she slid in the five-pound note and added one to match it , shining with barely suppressed hope .sx It had been much too early really , but doing it had made it all seem more real .sx She had gone down to Regent Street and spent a fruitless lunch hour sweeping the mother-and-baby departments , sorting briskly through possibilities and as briskly discarding them .sx She thought of the usual gifts - of what she might give to a friend , or to her several godchildren - and imagined the superior half-smile , the amused catch in the voice , if Nell were to unwrap a silver rattle , a tiny bracelet , or , God forbid , a Peter Rabbit breakfast set .sx There seemed to be no room in the girl for sentimental considerations :sx the romance of motherhood apparently meant little or nothing to her .sx There were ways of behaving , and Nell fitted no known pattern .sx When Emilia had asked politely about her home arrangements , and whether she was getting on well with a nursery , there had again been that barely-concealed smile , then the emotionless recital of fact , as though she were communicating with a moron .sx Nell didn't feel it necessary to make a 'nest' for her child ( the inverted commas hovered in the air between them , borne up by sarcasm ) - she was just going to bed it down in her room in an old cot her aunt had passed on .sx When she herself had been a baby , her mother hadn't even found she needed that , but had used a drawer .sx .. Not for one second did Emilia believe her .sx It was just another example of the inverted oneupmanship that Emilia had despised in Nell since the day she had interviewed her in Clive's office one lunchtime .sx They were looking for a secretary to help some of the editors deal with their letters , perhaps to do a little proofreading if bright enough , and Nell , with her Oxbridge degree and her state education seemed useful , if not quite the right face for the job .sx Looking at Nell's endless CV , Emilia had tried to crack the ice :sx " Well , you seem to be quite a bright girl , don't you ?sx " .sx She had seen the younger woman's face harden ever so slightly , and realized with a certain sudden pleasure that she was feeling patronized .sx But Nell had kept her temper , and " I think we may be able to offer you the job , " said Emilia , while at the same time her stomach was lifting and billowing with nerves .sx There seemed a sort of dark purpose in Nell - if Emilia had been fanciful , she might have called it the organized threads of evil - that filled Emilia with a sense of brooding chaos .sx To compensate , she had taken a deep breath , gained a little time , leant back in Clive's swivel chair and spun on the shiny surface of the desk his letter opener that was shaped like a miniature brass sword , so that it pointed first at Nell , then at herself , on and on .sx And while it spun , she talked about her years of publishing experience , until she could see she had cowed Nell into abandoning the hint of righteous rebellion that had been stirring in her eye .sx Nell was unsure of Emilia's status or power - probably thought she was an editor .sx It wasn't until beginning work the following week that Nell discovered Emilia was the managing editor's secretary .sx But by then she was well and truly under her thumb .sx Liberty had yielded an exotic shawl in a soft fabric of twisted reds and yellows , edged in silver thread , and Emilia finally settled on it as being the sort of thing the office would want her to spend their money on .sx It was a gift that would have them imagining a nursing Nell who wore it while she cuddled her baby in a high-backed chair .sx But Emilia found it almost impossible to assemble the idea of Nell in maternal mode - although she could quite see that those hips would have no problem whatsoever in squeezing a little new life into the world .sx God , by the look of her , the girl was born to be fecund !sx But it had taken her long enough .sx At first she had worked for Emilia :sx typing , photocopying , rushing to meet the needs of Emilia's periodic panics in the rush to keep Clive happy .sx For much of the week he was absent , and then he was back , demanding action and accomplishment .sx Emilia knew she was not really as terribly efficient as she seemed .sx When he was away she fell into a lassitude where she was constantly active and achieved next to nothing .sx As soon as Clive breezed in , she needed someone to help her make up lost ground .sx Nell would eye her knowingly , as she flitted purposelessly round her office , leaning insolently against the doorframe , her long hair swinging around her .sx " I'll come back later , when you've got something you want me to do .sx " .sx The following week , she would lift some huge pile of photocopying out of Emilia's arms and do it quickly , without complaint , in half the time it would have taken Emilia .sx Emilia's colleagues - the women with gold braid on their shoes , with whom she habitually shopped at lunchtime - watched with envy .sx " You're lucky to have her , " they said , but Emilia kept her counsel .sx " You'll lose her yet , though .sx That one's got ambition .sx " .sx It filled her with a quiet desperation that they should miss the just-hidden scorn that was directed at her .sx More and more often , she found herself pausing :sx in the small , steamy bathroom of her Bayswater mansion flat , between drinks at a supper party with a few old friends ; as the lights went down for the first act of some play .sx The image of Nell , laughing , cloaked in her own hair , would skate across her mind and leave her with a small bitterness whose after-effects the evening would never quite obliterate , although she often forgot the cause .sx Arriving at work began to seem a triumph over some minor ordeal ; going home at the end of the day was more than pleasure .sx Emilia found that she was counting on Nell's ambition to remove her altogether .sx Frequently she found her leafing surreptitiously through the Guardian jobs pages on a Monday , the paper spread haphazardly across her desk , half-hidden by the waterfall of her hair and the office cat .sx Even the cat seemed to love Nell , along with the rest of the office .sx Emilia wished it good riddance .sx She knew that she would never wear black velour to work when by six o'clock it was so thoroughly coated in the tiny white-rooted , ginger hairs .sx And the cat had always filled her with a sense of discomfort - a thrill of fear that she new had something to do with the possibility that at any moment it could drop down dead .sx She ignored the Guardian reading and resolved that anything was worth it to have the girl finally gone .sx One day , shortly after Nell had been moved full time into the copy-editing room by a perceptive personnel manager , Emilia came out of her office to find Nell sympathizing matily with her replacement over some procedural anomaly .sx The new secretary had been smiling up at her , while Nell's hair hung over the desk , hemming the two of them in like a cloud .sx " The most dreadful system , " Nell had been saying .sx Emilia watched the two of them together , and there was a turn to Nell's head that said how egalitarian , how classless , how mature she was .sx Instantly she was fired with a red and boiling rage that stunned her with its violence .sx Nell looked up , caught Emilia's eye and paused in mid-stream , then smiled .sx " Just which dreadful system ?sx " Emilia had demanded , struggling , and failing , she immediately realized , to keep the anger out of her voice .sx " And what gives you the right to pontificate on it ?sx " It was the smile that had driven her to it .sx For a second , a slightly wounded expression crossed Nell's face , and then the insolence had returned to it , along with the smile .sx In the following days she had become even more distant from Emilia , even more outwardly polite , even more ambitious , and Emilia struggled not to enjoy the small ways in which she could make the other woman's life difficult .sx