Culture The Irish are keen preservers and promoters of their Celtic heritage , much of which is recorded ( and illustrated ) in the famous ( and illuminated ) Book of Kelts at Dublin .sx Irish Poetry .sx The Irish have a tendency to wax poetical .sx Foremost among Irish poets is W.G. Yeats ( brother of the more famous Jack Keats) .sx William Butler Keats ( pron .sx Yates ) , having a premonition that he might be killed if he joined the Irish Airforce , very sensibly became a poet instead .sx He invented the Limerick and wrote a series of celebrated odes to Autumn , A Grecian Urn , A Night in Galway , etc. English Playwrights .sx All English playwrights since the time of Shakespeare ( or Bacon ) have in fact been Irish ( see esp .sx Sheridan , Oscar Wilde , G.B. Shaw , Samuel a-grave Becket) .sx Their plays are easily recognisable - if not easily distinguishable - on account of the distinct traces of Irish Wit .sx ( NB Not to be confused with Irish Jokes .sx ) .sx From The Importance of Not Speaking Erse .sx Morning-room of Estragon's flat in Half Moon St , London W. Time :sx The Present .sx The room is furnished with an eye for comfort and nose for extravagance .sx The sound of a banjulele is heard in the adjoining room .sx Lane is deranging elevenses on the table .sx Enter ALGERNON , GWENDOLEN , VLADIMIR , MR PUFF , DR DOOLITTLE , ETC. PROFESSOR HIGGINS :sx Have you no cucumber sandwiches , man ?sx DOOLITTLE :sx Can't afford them , Guv'nor .sx Neither could you if you was as poor as me .sx ALGERNON :sx Really , if the lower orders don't set us a good example what on earth are they doing in a play like this ?sx GWENDOLYN :sx Oh , Algy !sx .sx ALGERNON :sx Oh , Cecily !sx ( He sinks to his knees .sx ) .sx ( Enter MRS MALAPERT .sx ) .sx LADY MALADROIT :sx Arise , sir , from that semi-cucumbered posture !sx Come , Gwendolen , we have already missed five , if not six , trains , To miss any more might expose us to cement on the platform .sx BECKETT ( OFFSTAGE , SINGING ) :sx " Happy Days are here again .sx .. " .sx LADY MACKERAL :sx See you later , Allegory .sx ALLIGATOR :sx In a while , crocodile .sx ELIZA DOOLITTLE ( Enunciating carefully ) :sx Not bloody likely .sx PROF .sx HIGGINS :sx Ah , a Lisson Grove burr , if I'm not much mistaken .sx ALGERNON ( Ignoring these remarks ) :sx I have invented an invaluable permanently expected friend called Godot in order that I never have to visit the country .sx MR PUFF :sx This play is terrible .sx I do hope it will last .sx ( Curtain .sx ) .sx CECILY :sx The play ends , happily .sx It was bad , unhappily .sx This is what fiction means .sx VLADIMIR ( Putting on his coat ) :sx That passed the time .sx OSTROGOTH :sx It would have passed in any case .sx LADY CRACKNELL ( Waking up with a start ) :sx A handbag ?sx VLADIMIR :sx Yes , but not so vapidly .sx THE END .sx IRISH TEST PAPER .sx ( OR THE IRISH QUESTIONS ) .sx 1 .sx How far is it to Tipperary ?sx ( a ) A short way ?sx ( b ) A long way ?sx ( c ) Don't know ?sx 2 .sx Discuss with copious reference to the works of W. C. Yeats the relative merits of the Irish Airforce and the Irish Navvy .sx 3 .sx Which popular song is traditionally played at Irish funerals ?sx ( a ) 'Danny boy' ?sx ( b ) 'The Munster Mash' ?sx ( c ) 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go' ?sx 4 .sx Consider the impact on sikh morality of J. M. Singh's The Playboy of the Western World .sx 5 .sx If you were travelling from Meath to Louth would you be more surprised to meet :sx ( a ) a leprechaun ?sx ( b ) a snake ?sx ( c ) Shergar ?sx Great Britain .sx IN 1992 Britain is going to 'Enter Europe' .sx The question has to be asked :sx Are we ready ?sx Britain , by an accident of geography , is not very Continental .sx Its people are by tradition insular - a maritime breed ( or Boat Race ) , unversed in the ways of our European neighbours ( driving on the right , not eating a proper breakfast , ) .sx Nevertheless , there are perhaps signs that the gap is getting narrower .sx Physical Characteristics .sx It has to be admitted that Britain possesses less geography than many other European countries .sx There are no geysers , no fjords , no great mountain ranges ( with the possible exception of the Crampons in Scotland ) and no truly memorable waterfalls .sx There just isn't enough room .sx Instead we have 'The English Countryside' , a green and pleasant belt which surrounds the various dark satanic mills ( now closed ) , suburban developments , new towns , international airports , and Asda superstores that take up most of the available space .sx Economy The British Economy still has many sterling qualities ( just ) , although the currency was decimated in the 1970s to bring it into line with European custom .sx Industry Happily , very little is known about British Industry .sx The Conservative Government's recent policy of privation means that most of the old National Industries ( British Steal , the Lost Office , Telecon , etc. ) have been derationalised , and are now carried on privately .sx Agriculture It is also a time of change for British farming .sx Agriculture is becoming more and more an extension of Big Business .sx British farmers now have less and less time for their traditional rural pursuits - fox hunting , hare splitting , wool gathering , and grousing about the weather .sx Instead they have to devote their energies to trading livestocks and shares , carrying filofaxes ( esp .sx the Diary Farmers ) , fleecing the VAT man , and cultivating EC subsidies .sx Some farming does , of course , remain orrible , but with the emphasis on high-yield crops such as rape , oats , groats , and pop festivals .sx Politics British politics are quite as confused as those in the rest of Europe .sx Indeed , many European countries have based their own Parliamentary systems on the British model .sx All British political institutions are divided very neatly ( and sweetly ) into two parts .sx This is called the bi-caramel system of government .sx It is undoubtedly a good thing as it provides everyone with cheques , balances , photo-opportunities , caramels , etc. Also it prevents anything very much from being done .sx The Bi-Caramel System Explained .sx The are two Houses in Parliament - the Lords and the Commons .sx There are two main parties in each House - conservative and Labour .sx There are two types of Labour MP - the moderate and the petulant .sx There are two types of Conservative MP - the wet(-fish ) and the dry(-sherry , please) .sx There are no two people who can remember the name of the Liberal Demagogic Social Party Party ( est .sx membership :sx two) .sx Recently we have had over a decade of Conservative rule ( for full details see Our Island's Tory ) .sx And during this time Britain has been presided over by the all-too-memorable Mrs Thatcher ( Mrs T. , the Iron Tea Lady , the Mother of Parliaments , etc. ) who , as Prime Minister , lived ( increasingly out of her depth ) at Number Ten Drowning Street .sx The Royal Family .sx Britain's Royal Family is , at present , thoroughly German in origin and thus indisputably European .sx Wales ( W. Cwmbyah-my-lord ) .sx Although fervently Welsh , Wales is also proud of its links with the other Celtic ( i.e. Welsh ) peoples in Europe - the Bretons , Basques , Magyars , Irish , Lapps , etc. Often representatives from these kindred peoples are invited to the great Welsh cultural festivals - or Festiniogs - there to sing and dance , eat rabbits ( covered in melted cheese ) and harp on about the joys of being Welsh .sx Scotland ( and , by extension , Northern Ireland ) .sx Scotland ( previously Caledonia stern and wild ) is a very rugged and romantic country , named after the very rugged and romantic Sir Walter Scot ( explorer , bird-painter , and author of the Waverley novels) .sx Scotland has always enjoyed close links with Europe , especially France ( see 'The Auld Appliance' or 'French Connection') .sx This was partly for romantic reasons ( Mary Queen of Scots was briefly married to a French Dolphin ) and partly to annoy the English .sx Culture British culture , it must be admitted , has often shown a sorry tendency to be insular and un-European .sx Cricket , Carry On Films , warm beer , afternoon tea , Marmite , the Sun , mint sauce , Gilbert and Sullivan , Jennings and Darbishire , Morecambe and Wise , Mrs Thatcher ; none of these popular British institutions has succeeded across the channel .sx There are , of course , exceptions .sx Football , football hooliganism , Les Rolling Stones , and the comedy specials of Benny Hill can all claim to have had a profound impact on the Continent .sx But such instances are rare .sx The tide of influence has more often run in the other direction .sx This is due to Classical Education , the Renaissance , the Grand Tour , Cook's Tours , Foreign Wars , Foreign Films , native indolence .sx The English Poets .sx England is rightly proud of its poets :sx Shakespeare ( or The Swan of Bacon ) , Milton , Wordsridge and Coleworth , Lard George Byron ( 'Mad , fat and murderous to know' ) , Persse Bicy Shelly , Gerard Mandy Hopkins , the Brownings ( Elizabeth , Barrett and Robert ) , Alfred Lawn Tennyson , Sir John Bitumen .sx The list is impressive .sx Although many of the above exhibited a decidedly English sensibility ( i.e. played tennys , wandered lonely as a cloud , lost things - Paradise , Love's Labour , etc. ) , often they drew their subject matter from Renaissance Europe ( i.e. Italy ) or the Classical World ( i.e. Italy or , perhaps , Greece) .sx Many English poets even went so far as to live abroad ( i.e. Italy or , at a pinch , Greece) .sx Some even died there .sx Elizabeth and Barrett Browning are buried in Florence ( It .sx Ferrara ) together with their pet woolf , Flush .sx While Shelly , increasingly under the influence of drink , opprobrium , Byron , etc. , drowned his sorrows in the nearby Gulf of La Speranza .sx Byron himself died in Greece , complaining that he felt , " hot , shot and dangerously low " .sx Other High Points of British Culture .sx The Plays of Shakespeare ( aka Francis Bacon , Christopher Marlowe or what you Will) :sx these very memorable dramas ( tragical , comical , hysterical and pasteurised ) contain many famous parts , including Henry IV Part II , Henry VI Parts I to III , 'Parting is such sweet sorrow' , Henry IV Part I , etc. The Novels of Charles Dickens :sx Dickens was noted for his vivid descriptions of Dickensian ( and hence Victorian ) London , with its smogs , fogs , fugs , Twists , turns , curiously old shops , etc. His books are all very well written ( i.e. in a Copperfield hand) .sx The Landscapes of Constable :sx John Constable ( or P.C. Turner ) was a retired policeman who painted many scenes of a decidedly rural nature , including The Haystack , A View of Salisbury Cathedral , and The Mill on the Floss .sx The Buildings of Sir Christopher Wren :sx although best remembered for designing St. Paul's Cathedral , Wren also founded the Women's Naval Service .sx He used to be commemorated on the farthing , but has since been promoted to the pounds50 note .sx The Hits of The Beatles :sx The Beatles , with their so-called 'Mercybeat' , rescued post-war Britain from being terribly dull .sx Instead they invented 'The Swinging Sixties' , even though they themselves weren't sixty at all , but only teenagers .sx Britain and Abroad .sx Over the years Britain has had considerable experience of dealing with Abroad .sx This , of course , was especially true during the Golden Age of the British Empire , when most of the map was coloured red and the midday sun never set , and the white men ( together with their mad dogs ) would carry enormous burdens in the appalling heat .sx Most of the memorable countries in the British Empire were not , however , in Europe .sx New Zealand ( NZ ) , Australia ( OZ ) , the Cook Islands ( where they cooked the unfortunate Captain Cook ) , the Gilbert-and-Sullivan Islands , the Easter Islands , the Christmas Islands , the August Bank Holiday Islands ; these were ( and , indeed , are ) all in the Antipodes .sx Canada is in North America .sx India is , of course , in India .sx Rhodesia - discovered so providentially by Cecil Rhodes ( n e Cecil Zimbabwe ) - is in Africa .sx All , alas , are far beyond the scope of this book .sx Britain , however , does even now retain some decidedly European possessions :sx Gilbraltar :sx a small and very British rock on the southern tip of Spain , garrisoned by British bobbies and Spanish monkeys .sx Tuscany :sx a small and very British enclave in central Italy , garrisoned with British writers and Italian hill - farmers .sx The Dordogne :sx a small and very British enclave in Southern France , garrisoned with the British writers who couldn't get into Tuscany ( see above) .sx GREAT BRITAIN TEST PAPER .sx 1 .sx With detailed reference to the Continental origins of the Royal Family , compute the relationship between the Battenberg Cake and the Victoria Sponge .sx 2 .sx Anyone for Tennyson ?sx 3 .sx Using protractors and a home-ruler , estimate the relative sizes of Little Britain and Little England .sx 4 .sx Is the concept of 'the Academic Marketplace' best expressed by Oxford University or Oxford Street ?sx 5 .sx Ruminate diligently on ( a ) cattle feed and ( b ) grass .sx 6 .sx What , if anything , is the difference between :sx ( a ) Maynard Keynes ; .sx ( b ) Milton Friedman ; .sx ( c ) Milton Keynes ?sx