Sushi nice young man !sx .sx KENNETH ROBINSON offers some useful Anglo-Nippon party tips .sx It is said that the Japanese , who are bringing us a festival during the next few weeks - including wrestling at the Albert Hall and robots at the Science Museum - feel closer to Britain at the moment than to any other country .sx They are not pleased by America's plan to commemorate Pearl Harbor with an explicit postage stamp showing sinking ships .sx Nor by the French prime minister's remarks about " little yellow men who sit up all night thinking of ways to screw the Americans and the Europeans .sx " .sx Maybe they are warming to us because their bookshops are currently selling translations of our Debrett's Etiquette and Modern Manners .sx Though the editor of this entertaining work , Elsie Burch Donald , tells me she had no idea the Japanese had got hold of it without paying her .sx And she cannot think what their tourists will make of our good taste bible if they arrive here clutching it .sx After dipping into the original English version I suspect that the Japanese could find our rules for gracious living pretty aggressive compared with their own life-style of courteous bowing , enigmatic smiles and shoes left facing backwards on the door-mat .sx They will discover , for instance , that a well-mannered English hostess sits at dinner with enough old newspapers under the table " to deal with any broken glass or possibly an accident with a plate .sx " .sx Debrett , you see , can make the simplest meal seem like a violent night out .sx It tells hostesses to keep a footman handy with a jug of water for any guests choking over her food .sx And it urges caution in the serving of cocaine , marijuana or heroin in case it puts anyone " in a difficult position .sx " .sx Like under the table no doubt .sx If one of those Japanese visitors found himself in this position he would discover that a Debrett hostess always " delegates a trusted friend to look after the drunks .sx " He could also learn from Debrett that a man who 'fancies' a guest must never use this vulgar word but must say to her , instead , " Let's get it together " .sx And on the way home he must be careful , he is told , " not to berate a bus-driver , or to sing , whistle or argue in the street .sx " .sx If this Debrett guide opens the eyes of Britons who didn't know it existed , they can now have them opened even more - in Tokyo .sx It is here that surgeons are currently employed to create expressions of greater honesty on businessmen .sx This is reported in a guide to Japanese Living , published by Nippon Books to show the British what to expect from their countrymen .sx It seems , for instance , that although the Japanese go bright red when given alcohol , they will leave the house promptly after drinking green tea .sx And any hostess would be happy with a Japanese guest's way of saying " Yes , yes " all the evening , meaning that he doesn't agree but won't argue , and changing the subject frequently so as not to linger on anything that might give offence .sx Even when he says to the hostess " You must come to my house , " he doesn't mean anything of the kind .sx He is just saying that he quite likes her .sx But however much a Japanese may like a hostess his own guide book tells him not to ask the size of her bosom , as he would do at home , or to call her " oi " affectionately - meaning " here you " - as he would his wife .sx And , however great the temptation , he must try not to hold her hand absent-mindedly long after shaking it .sx Not that he would really want to chat up the typical English hostess .sx She is the sort of woman , says his Debrett translation , who was brought up not to use a loo until the chain had stopped swinging .sx At tea-time her sandwiches have never oozed and her cakes have never crumbled .sx On Sundays she has always gone to church in a striking hat and long gloves , smelling ever-so-slightly of camphor .sx And when she invites a man home for a late-night cup of coffee this will " not necessarily " mean she wants him so stay for breakfast as well .sx Anyone planning an Anglo-Nippon party during the Japanese festival could have a lot of fun by handing round these etiquette books for the two nations .sx But I feel a little sad for our illustrious ex-prime minister when I see snide comments about her by Debrett .sx It seems that Mrs Thatcher's vowel sounds are considered just as unspeakably non-U as references to bloater paste , sandwich spread and individual fruit pies .sx Such things , according to Debrett , should never be mentioned in polite company .sx Nor should a true gentleman use phrases like " Suit yourself , I'm sure " , " That's your lot , matey " or " Drop dead " .sx I was thinking how useful Debrett could be to the Japanese if they really sought our help with refined speech when I found , in their own guide to modern etiquette , how the women are supposed to deal with male harassment .sx They are taught to use one very effective oriental expression .sx " Knock it off , buster !sx " .sx And that , I am afraid to say , is the only advice I can offer to you as we tackle the slow merging of British and Japanese cultures .sx But let me just warn you that the Japanese have an ambiguous new word for coffee .sx In future Debrett's perfect woman may well be startled by an innocuous late-night Nippon invitation .sx " Do you fancy a nice quick hotto , then ?sx " .sx Rave new world .sx Are you the type the club doorman shuns ?sx Does the DJ never play your request ?sx Fear no more .sx Here's ANNE NIGHTINGALE's guide to Getting In and Getting Down .sx The two done-up-to-nines bimbettes had teetered their way along the beach to the entrance of The Zap Club , Brighton .sx It was a stormy , hot summer night and inside 300 people were thrashing about to the relentless beat of hard core techno house dance music .sx ( It's that whoomph whoomph whoomph noise you hear coming from the open windows of a boy racer's Escort XR3i .sx ) .sx The two bimbettes were keen on getting in on all this .sx But they were experiencing difficulties in persuading the doorman to let them in .sx Recently I have taken on the role of Friday night DJ in Arch One , the alternative , ambient 'Chill-out' room of The Zap Club .sx chill-out ?sx Well , I suppose you sweat slightly less to music that is only running at 101 beats per minute , than you do to the 182 or so bpm of hard techno which kicks the night away in Arch Two .sx The Zap Club 'happens in these arches under the seafront at Brighton where once seafarin' folk smoked pipes and spun yarns at angling and sailing clubs .sx The Zap changed all that , along with The Ha c-cedille in Manchester , The Milk Bar at al in London , which are the core of Clubland .sx And they perpetuate the rituals which go with it .sx The first of which is :sx The Art Of Getting In .sx The bimbettes were clearly not very experienced in this matter and did not realise that an Elitist Door Policy was in force .sx This sinister euphemism means you don't get in if a ) you're wearing a suit , b ) you've got 'bad attitude' , c ) you're an armed drug dealer with accompanying Rottweiler , or d ) you're simply not cool dead hip enough .sx I had come to the door of the club to do some serious chilling-out and wipe the sweat from my brow after slaving over the Technics 1200 record decks for three hours .sx " How come they're letting you in ?sx " one of the bimbettes demanded of me .sx " Just came out for a breath of air , " I replied in a dead cool way .sx " Oh right , " said Bimbette Two .sx " We'll try that .sx " She turned to the doorman .sx " Erm , we just popped out for some fresh air .sx Can we come back in ?sx " .sx The doorman retained his impenetrable expression set in granite but moved his head almost imperceptibly sideways .sx Bimbette Two turned again on me .sx " So why you and not us ?sx " .sx " Well I work here , " I replied .sx " Wot , bar work ?sx " asked Bimbette Two .sx No , I DJ " ( it's a newish verb ) I said in a chilled-out manner .sx " Oh " said the Bimbettes , defeated .sx It's a cruel unfair world in Clubland .sx You can queue for hours and they won't let you in .sx You can say , " but it's cost me 37 quid on the train from Birmingham , " and they still won't necessarily let you in .sx If , however , you say " I'm on the guest list " and you are on the guest list , you'll be whisked in , in the time it takes to say " extended re-mix " .sx Being got onto the guest list involves a fair amount of industry , including phone calls , general hustling , grovelling , pulling strokes or sheer bluff .sx Saying :sx " I'm a friend of Boy George , " can be effective .sx Possibly .sx Alternatively , being a Face will get you in .sx Being a Face means you are someone who gets regular mentions in the gossip columns of NME and Melody Maker , there's been a feature about you in i-D magazine and you're in a group that has a single-syllable name .sx Viz , Cud , Moose , Top , Ride , Curve , Lush , Bliss , Bleach or Blur .sx Blah hasn't yet been invented .sx In this case you can swan in , past the hapless unhip in the queue , and drink over-priced Sol through the throbbing early hours .sx Once you've run the gauntlet of the doorman ( 'bouncer' in such an unattractive word ) , been ticked off the guestlist , another set of rituals has to be enacted .sx Clubs revolve around the DJ , a now quite exalted figure since the original acid-house raves and not to be confused with radio personalities such as Simon Bates or Steve Wright In The Afternoon , to give him his real name .sx For a start , club DJs do not speak .sx Ever .sx They don't even have microphones .sx And you go and ask him/her to play your favourite Top 20 tune at your peril .sx In fact you go and ask him/her to play anything at your peril .sx It's just not done .sx You actually leave your DJ absolutely alone because he has his headphones clamped to his ear and he's working out the next 'seamless mix' .sx This is in fact quite tricky as you try to match the next record beat-for-beat to the one you're playing currently , so no one can spot the join .sx Timing is crucial and some goon coming up , prodding you in the ribs and asking if you're going to " play some decent music " can put you right off your groove .sx But of course an e litist door policy is supposed to eliminate such insensitive loutism .sx Even more uncool is to ask the DJ what he/she is playing .sx Happening DJs generally play unmarked 'white label' 12-inch pre-release advance copies not yet available to the public .sx The unmarked white labels are also to avoid industrial espionage by rival DJs .sx Chosen DJs are on record company mailing lists which require them to return their comments as to the 'floor-filling potential' of a particular record .sx You tick the appropriate box against 'blinder' through to 'crap' .sx Depending on the response , record companies follow up with a mail-shot to radio stations in photo-copied felt pen hyping , sorry extolling the virtues of said record .sx " Going a storm in the clubs !sx Guaranteed floor-filler !sx ! Check all mixes !sx !! The big summer hit !sx !! " .sx Not that your cool club crowd is fooled by hype .sx One wrong record can be a disastrous 'flaw-klearer' .sx And then there's the club vernacular .sx The 20K sound rig discourages discussion on post-constructivism in Soviet art .sx you merely pass the comment 'sound' or 'top night' or 'cool' ( even though it isn't ) and squeeze your face into some appropriate expression of appreciation if things are 'going good' .sx The management will be keeping a keen eye on your dancing expertise .sx This is the most ritualistic aspect of Clubland .sx You may be a floor dancer or a podium dancer who chooses the raised area of the dance floor to bop the night away amid smoke machines , lasers and other buzz-creating or energy-expanding devices .sx