The Secret Diary of John Major aged 47 3/4 .sx Wednesday Today is the big day we have all been waiting for .sx The Daily Telegraph coloured map of the world arrives !sx It comes with a note from Mr Hurd saying that I should put it up on the wall behind my desk .sx He says it will help me to know where all the places are when the war starts .sx My first key decision comes almost immediately .sx Should I use drawing pins , or blu-tac ?sx I decide on the latter , as it has always been Mrs Thatcher's favourite colour !sx When the map is finally put up , I spend some considerable period of time studying it .sx Iraq is really quite big , compared with , say , Israel .sx I am glad to see , however , that America is bigger than both of them !sx .sx Wednesday night .sx I get a phone call in the middle of the night on my special grey telephone hotline .sx It is Mr Bush .sx Why do Americans never remember that we are asleep when they are awake ?sx ! He says that he has had to start the war without me , as he couldn't get through earlier , and he hopes that that's alright .sx I tried to think of something memorable to say , and luckily it came to me in a flash .sx " Oh yes , " I said , but he had already hung up .sx Thursday We have the first meeting of our new War Cabinet .sx Me , Douglas , Mr King , my friend Chris Patten and , of course , Norma Lamont from next door .sx Norma kicked things off in great style by telling a joke about Saddam Hussein and a dead camel .sx We all laughed although I did not get the last bit .sx Then Douglas turned to me and said :sx " Well , Prime Minister , what are our war aims ?sx " Honestly , Douglas can be very slow sometimes for someone who's been to Oxford !sx " We are aiming at Iraq of course , " I said firmly , pointing at where it was on the map .sx Then I told them that I had had a very long telephone call from Mr Bush in the middle of the night .sx They were very impressed .sx " Oh yes , " I said , " it went on for some considerable period of time .sx " My friend Chris smiled and said :sx " About a minute , I suppose .sx " .sx " Oh no , " I said , " not that long .sx " .sx Friday We have had a lot of letters about the war .sx It is amazing how many of them forgot to put on the postcode , SW1 1PLC - which you would have thought was pretty easy to remember !sx .sx Saturday Today Norman and I had to go to Chequers ( Mrs Thatcher's country house , which she has lent me while I am Prime Minister) .sx First we had to go back to Graylings - that's our real home in the country - to fetch some towels and my pocket calculator , which I left there last weekend .sx On the way I told Norman about my top-secret phone call from the President of America .sx " But you're not to tell anyone , " I told her , " because it is still meant to be classified .sx " " Don't be silly , " she said .sx " It was on the 9 o'clock news last night .sx " I was very annoyed at this 'leak' .sx In Mrs Thatcher's day someone would have had to spend more time with their family over something like this .sx " If it was a leak , " Norman said , " I bet it was your friend Norma .sx I've never trusted him since that party at Jeffrey Archer's when he and that actress got stuck in the lift together .sx " .sx Sunday Today we had to go to church and be photographed .sx I wore my new grey suit .sx The service was very nice but it went on for a considerable period of time .sx The vicar made a special prayer about peace , and he asked for divine help to strengthen all world leaders in their efforts for peace .sx He then gave me a long hard look .sx I wonder why ?sx Perhaps he thought my choice of tie ( Old Rutlishians - light grey stripe on dark grey background ) was inappropriate .sx Monday Norman is still in a sulk with me .sx While I was eating my Weetabix ( 2 1/2 today ) , I told her :sx " If you go on like this , I shall have to call you Stormin' Norman .sx " This was because of the American in Arabia who has been telling me what my plans are for the war .sx She didn't see the joke , unfortunately .sx Tuesday Today I have to make a Big Speech in the House of Commons .sx Mr O'Donnell says that I should speak for some considerable period of time , and that it is very important that I should not just sound like a dalek .sx " Not that you do , of course , Prime Minister , " he added hurriedly .sx " Oh yes , " I replied , " I am my own man .sx I will obey .sx " .sx Wednesday All the papers said that my speech was a great success .sx One even said I had been quite like Mr Churchill during the war , especially in the bit when I said :sx " If something nasty happened to Mr Saddam then I for one would be quite pleased - oh yes .sx " .sx HEIR OF SORROWS .sx BY SYLVIE KRIN .sx THE STORY SO FAR :sx War has broken out , and Charles is caught up in the tide of events .sx .. .sx " LOOK DIANA , we all have to make sacrifices , you know .sx I mean , there is a war on , after all .sx " Charles watched as Diana stood moodily looking out of the window at the falling dusk .sx " How could they do this ?sx " she asked testily , her pretty mouth pouting in a sulky grimace .sx Charles crossed his arms and tried to explain .sx " It's war .sx You can't expect everything to carry on as normal .sx There are bound to be disruptions , even on the home front .sx " .sx Outside a badger walked warily across the Highgrove lawn and sniffed suspiciously at a discarded croquet mallet , abandoned during more carefree sunlit hours .sx Diana turned and faced Charles defiantly .sx " I don't care .sx I don't see why Top of the Pops should be taken off just so you can watch your war on the telly .sx " .sx Charles bristled as Diana continued .sx " You just sit there night and day glued to the set .sx I'm sick of it on all the time .sx .. " .sx She strode purposefully to where Charles was sitting in his Manfred Mann fin-de-si e-grave cle armchair ( a gift from the Armand Hammer Museum of Money in Illinois) .sx " Look at that old general .sx Yak yak yakety-yak .sx .. " .sx " No , no , " Charles remonstrated .sx " He's awfully knowledgeable .sx I met him once when I was inspecting his regiment in Amstrad in Germany .sx The 17th Queen's Own Paranormals .sx He's explaining the sort of ground plan thingie .sx " .sx But Diana was not listening and she was in no mood for an argument .sx " I for one have had enough of it .sx People want a change , a break .sx Even that awful programme that you and Dr Barkworth did would be better than this .sx .. " .sx " IT'S A THING that Dr Barkworth and I did .sx The ratings were awfully high .sx .. " " Who is it calling ?sx " a young female BBC receptionist enquired impersonally .sx " Er .sx ..my name is Prince Charles .sx " .sx " From where ?sx " .sx " Er .sx ..Highgrove in Gloustershire .sx I haven't got the postcode , I'm afraid .sx " .sx " No .sx What company ?sx " .sx " I'm a prince .sx .. " .sx " Prince ?sx You want Top of the Pops .sx I'll put you through .sx " .sx " No , no .sx Diana wants Top of the Pops .sx I want Mr Botney of the sort of Arts & Architecture bit .sx .. " .sx There was a short silence followed by a piece of music , which Charles immediately recognised as the 17th-century Italian composer Badalamenti with his overture Il Twin Peaks .sx Finally there was a click , and the familiar voice of Mr Alan Botney , the suave impresario of the airwaves , came on his carphone .sx There was traffic noise in the background and it was difficult to hear Mr Botney clearly .sx " Your Highness , what a pleasure .sx Some colleagues and I were just saying , funnily enough , what a great pleasure it was working with you and .sx .. " .sx " That's awfully kind , " Charles interposed impatiently .sx " It's just that I was talking to Diana just now and she's a terrific fan of the hit parade thing you do , the Top of the Jukebox , and she really misses it .sx What I thought was .sx .. " .sx Botney jumped in hurriedly .sx " Yes , Sir .sx You're right , Sir .sx We've had a lot of calls on this one .sx " .sx Charles continued :sx " So I thought that since you've had to take off all these programmes - you know , Hallo , Hallo and The Blackadder .sx .. " .sx Charles read out a list from the Sunday Telegraph of television programmes which has been described as 'too sensitive for transmission' .sx " I thought , " Charles went on trying to establish his point , " this might be just the time to give the viewers another chance to see my documentary about architecture .sx It was terrifically well received .sx .. " .sx There was the sound of a siren , and Mr Botney's voice became indistinct .sx " What was that , Sir ?sx " .sx " It Really Is Appalling :sx " Charles repeated the title .sx " You're right , Sir .sx I'll do something at once .sx " .sx " HE SAID he'd do something at once .sx " Charles and Diana were sitting at Highgrove once more in front of the Ishiguro 42-inch Videotronic Device .sx Charles was feeling pleased with himself .sx It was so rare for him to influence events so directly .sx Mr Botney had promised that the programme would appear that very night .sx How had his old friend and mentor Sir Laurens van der Post described that sensation of achievement ?sx Wasn't it in Chapter 12 of his classic , The Rocks That Speak ?sx " Apples fall from a shaken tree , but trees do not fall from a shaken apple .sx " .sx How very true that was , how very true .sx Diana flicked through the channels with the remote control .sx " So you're telling me it's on , are you ?sx " .sx Charles nodded .sx " Oh yes .sx Myself and Barkworth .sx It's just what the country needs .sx Particularly that bit where we're on the barge in the Thames and Dr Barkworth asks me what the tall building over there is .sx And I smile at him and say 'I don't know , but it Really Is Appalling' .sx " .sx But what was this , appearing suddenly on the screen ?sx A black man gyrating in pink trousers amidst a cloud of smoke .sx He didn't remember this bit .sx Was that Barkworth in the baseball cap and the gold medallion dangling from his chest ?sx A BBC Continuity voice announced :sx " And now due to popular demand , and a very special request indeed , it's .sx .. Top of the Pops !sx " .sx Diana squealed with delight and flung her arms around Charles .sx " Chazza , you're brill !sx " .sx ( To be continued ) .sx NODDY'S NEW LOOK .sx BY Enid Ryton .sx It was a lovely sunny day and Noddy climbed into his car .sx " Hello , " he said .sx " This NUCLEAR POWER NEIN DANKE sticker wasn't here yesterday .sx How strange !sx I don't remember it being a Citroen Deux Chevaux either " , he thought as he drove along the Old Bruce Kent Road into Toytown .sx The first person he met was Mr Tubby Bear .sx " Hello Mr Tubby Bear , you fascist bastard , " he found himself saying .sx " How dare you wear fur ?sx Take that !sx " .sx And little Noddy poured red paint all over Mr Tubby Bear .sx " Gosh .sx I feel a bit different today , " he thought as he turned the corner and was waved down by WPC Plod .sx " Where's Policeman Plod ?sx " he asked .sx " He was sent down for racially harassing Golliwog , " the woman policeperson told him .sx " Golly !sx " Noddy exclaimed .sx " Right .sx You're nicked as well .sx " .sx Oh no !sx Everything seemed to have changed to poor Noddy .sx " You have the right to one phone call , " said WPC Plod .sx " Alright , " he said , unable to stop himself picking up the toy phone .sx " I'll phone Esther .sx Hello Esther ?sx It's about Big Ears .sx He's a perv .sx " .sx " Good little Noddy , " said WPC Plod .sx " I'm letting you off with a caution .sx " .sx So Noddy went on his way and who should he see next but Sailor Doll ?sx " Hello , Sailor , " he said .sx " That's it Noddy !sx " interrupted Sally Social Worker ( n e e Skittle) .sx " That's the last time you introduce gay stereotypes into this story .sx " .sx " Oh dear , Noddy , " said Mr Macpathetic , the Publisher .sx " I'm afraid you haven't been revised enough .sx We're going to have to replace you with someone more socially acceptable who reflects the country's changing cultural fabric in a multi - plural society .sx " .sx Chapter Two .sx Mohammed AlAkbar Noddwallah left the mosque and cycled home for tea and hot toasted copies of The Satanic ( Continued Page 94 ) .sx